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3 Bumps

My 12 year old (13 in 2 mths) seems to hate my guts


My ex-husband and I have been divorced since she was 2. Up to the age of 6, I became and active alcoholic. Since then I have maintained sobriety and I am an active member of AA. My daugter was placed in her fathers custody during my active disease. When I became sober, I realized the long drawn out battle to gain custody of her was not about her but it was about me and my selfishness. I then realized all I want for my child is to develope and maintain a loving relationship and be the mother that she never had. After letting go of this fight, my ex-husband and I live in the same town and share custody. At this time, my daughter thinks the moon of her father and I seem to be such a burden. I have done some 12 step work around this but I can't seem to think that her behavior towards me, the not wanting to be around me (except

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:52 PM on Jul. 22, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • Being the daughter of an alcohol from a very similar situation, counseling really helped me and my mother out. It got a lot of my resentments out and we were able to work through them.

    I will tell you my main problem was the feeling of being abandoned by my mother. It felt like she chose alcohol over me, and that really bothered me.

    She did get custody of me again when I was 8 but I was quite screwed up at that point already. My stepmother was the evil step mom and abused us all. That probably didn't help my problems and resentment.
    DarkFaery131

    Answer by DarkFaery131 at 6:58 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • I would think she's old enough to try to understand your disease and what you've been through. She probably sees that she was abandoned by her mom for years and now resents you. I would guess all you can do is talk to her, try to do interesting things with her and tell her you love her. Over time, hopefully she'll believe you.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 6:59 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • I have family members who have been through a simular situation. Their mom had to let her ex take the children into his care. She too decided it was in their best benefit for them to stay with their father. The children had issues of abandonment and felt like their Mom choose alcohol over them. The mom eventually remarried and was a good Step Mother to her new husbands children, of course this did not help her relationship with her own children at all. It was a mess. Not until the children AND Mom got into therapy did things begin to get better. They are doing great today but it took a long time to get there. Keep telling her and showing her how much she means to you. It can be done Momma, hang in there
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 7:08 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • It may take some time for your daughter to get to know you all over again. If you have changed as a person, she will have to see how you have changed for herself to become more accepting of you. As you know she is still a child, about to become a teenager, and like it or not she was put in the middle of it all whether she liked it or not. The fact she will become a teenager in a couple of months may be a good thing for you.
    CafeMochaMom1

    Answer by CafeMochaMom1 at 7:10 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • I so sorry, please remember your daughter is going through a weird period also, puberty is starting and kids can say the same thing to parents who haven't had the struggles you have.


    I would try counseling, even if it's just for yourself right now. Maybe the counselor can give you positive ways to approach your daughter. I think counselling with your DD would be wonderful too. Depending how close you are to your ex-husband, maybe you can enlist his help in talking to your DD. 

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 7:20 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • Your daughter is going through a tough age and has so much to deal with - you have been sober since she was 6 and have probably been there for her. Have you read "Reviving Ophelia" It sheds a lot of light on this period of her life and may be helpful to you. I'm sorry for you pain in this difficult time.
    SandraD101

    Answer by SandraD101 at 11:00 PM on Jul. 22, 2010

  • This happens at this time with girls. It's a separation from mom to be her own person. It shouldn't be taken personally. I agree with reading Reviving Ophelia. GREAT BOOK for moms who have girls this age
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:32 AM on Jul. 23, 2010

  • I don't have daughters but I have boys, I left them with their father a year ago when I snapped and my bipolar became evident. They didn't know why I left at the time, and while I tried to assure them then that it wasn't them they were very angry with me. I could tell by the way they talked to me, how they acted around me...I did finally come home and its been a struggle since I've been in the house. What I can tell you is taking the time to talk to them about why I left and my mental illness put a perspective on what happened for them. I don't think we've been closer than we have now. I truly believe its issues of abandonment and the only way to resolve that in my opinion is to have open discussions. If you and your ex are on good terms I'd suggest talking to him too so he can back up what you're telling her if it comes up in his home. Counseling may be another avenue as well. She's 12 she is ready to know the truth.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 1:25 PM on Jul. 23, 2010

  • I'm also a recovering addict & alcoholic.Have you taken her to an ALONON meeting? She doesn't hate you sweetie, she's hurt.& its going to take some time.It's not going to be easy.But once she sees that you are serious about not drinking,she'll come around.I had 3 boys while i was actively drinking & drugging.They saw alot and when i stopped, it took awhile,but they finally came around.With the help of a third party,all 3 told me how I hurt them.And that was really hard on me,but once they were able to get all the hurt & resentment out,they forgave me.Hang in there & she'll come around.Good luck.& you are not a bad person. : )
    bvannkissy

    Answer by bvannkissy at 1:33 PM on Jul. 23, 2010

  • my mom walked out on me and my dad when i was 5 she slammed the door right in my face and from then on i lived with my dad though as a child i was very very gullible and when i would see my mom she would always tell me these awful stories about my dad to make me hate him and i would fight so much with both of them. now i'm 21 and my mom and i are not close at all i learned more about her than i wanted and feel that she doesn't even deserve to be my parent or a parent at all. you are showing you care for your daughter and not for anything other than you love her. she doesn't see it now but she will and she will most likely regret the hate she held in. the best way to get past it is to just sit down with her and talk let her get everything out but tell her to still be respectful when she does because you never know what she will say and hopefully it will help her knowing your willing to make the effort to fix things.
    avasmommie711

    Answer by avasmommie711 at 3:58 AM on Jul. 24, 2010

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