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Funeral ?

My dh's uncle died recently. He lived 2 hrs away & the funeral was held on a Sat, a work day for my hubby. Seems quite a few of his relatives are really pissed off that we didn't attend the funeral. A month before the funeral his uncle's oldest got married. Out of our immediate family my hubby was the only one that wasn't invited. His younger sister said the wedding was pretty much everybody knew he was dying & they attended to say goodbye (should add the wedding was also 2 hrs away & on sat). Here's my ?, if we weren't "good" enough to invite to attend the happy times why would we show up to the sad ones? My hubby & his uncle were not close, hadn't spoken in years, neither of us like attending funerals & didn't want to go anyways & my dd's still breastfeeding (both of his sisters left their kids w/ nanny cuz "a funeral's no place for kids"). What do you think? Should we have gone?

 
Nyx7

Asked by Nyx7 at 9:35 AM on Jul. 25, 2010 in Relationships

Level 23 (16,272 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • if the cousins were that concerned over your husband being able to say his goodbyes, then he should have been invited to the wedding when that apparently was the place to do it when he was alive. he should have been invited if every other family member was invited. i've missed funerals for people i was close to, but like katie says, funerals are about the living - since the living appear to be assholes, why would he attend?
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:12 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • nope..you only go to funerals to pay respect to a life lived, a person mourned, and to comfort the remaining family. apparently, there's no need for you/dh to do any of that. don't feel bad..
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 9:37 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • If it were just a matter of it being on a work day I would say yes, you should have taken the time. But, with all of the back story I think you shouldn't feel bad about missing it. It would be a personal choice on whether or not to say good bye in a situation like that, end of story. Just ignore anyone that says otherwise. :)
    Jessica157

    Answer by Jessica157 at 9:40 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • You shouldn't feel bad, he had to work and they were not close. I think the family is looking for an excuse to be upset with you guys, they already must have some ill feelings since you were not invited to that wedding.
    mommymela87

    Answer by mommymela87 at 9:41 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • Funerals are meant for people to reminisce and say good-bye to their deceased loved one. If your husband were good with not attending the funeral, then there shouldn't be a problem. However, that's said without taking into consideration the drama and triteness of family.

    My grandmother died a few days before Christmas a couple years ago. I was nothing more to her than just one of her many grandchildren (my dad has 11 brothers and sisters, so there are a lot) and I never cared much for her. So for me to take my not yet 2 year old 4 hours to a funeral of a person that I honestly didn't like didn't make sense to me. I didn't go and the family talked. Heck, they even had a fit that my parents didn't charter a helicopter to get them off their Caribbean cruise to attend the funeral, so obviously nothing would have made them happy.

    Point being...if your husband is okay with not attending, that's what matters. :-)
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 10:52 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • My dad used to say "if you don't visit me when I'm alive then don't bother coming when I'm dead". He didn't attend funerals. Funerals are for the living not for the dead imho. I agree with you, if they didn't want you there while he was alive then why sacrifice for a funeral where he won't even know you were there? I would not have gone either
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:00 PM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • No, you were not obligated to go. I wouldn't feel guilty either. My dad's one uncle recently passed away in an accident. He did not go as he had not spoken to him in years and wasn't that close to that side of the family. My mom, who is usually the "do what everyone will think it correct' type of person had no problem with this.

    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:39 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • I have always had a hard time getting to funerals because of my work schedule. We are only "allowed" bereavement time for parents, siblings or children...so no aunts/uncles OR GRANDPARENTS. (I guess everyone's grandparents are expected to die, so you can't give someone time off for 4 or more grandparents during a work assignment, I don't know, I'm just talking gibberish).

    I have aunts/uncles that I didn't care that I missed the funeral, but others that I felt terrible about missing. It really just comes down to you two...if you feel okay, what other people think shouldn't matter.
    kjrn79

    Answer by kjrn79 at 9:41 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • I think your husband should have taken the day off and gone for himself if work would have allowed it and your family could have afforded it. If your children didn't know him and you didn't know him I wouldn't have bothered going or taking them. But funerals are a big deal even if in the end they weren't close. In fact even if his uncle had beat him he probably should have gone to go and make peace with the fact that he will never see that man again. It has jack diddly squat to do with the rest of that whacked out family and their wedding i wouldn't worry about them. Don't give it another thought. But I would advise your husband and maybe even all of you as a family to take a trip to his grave say your goodbyes and get closure. Funerals aren't about the dead. They are about the living. Who gives a rats butt about that family, but later on down the road your hubby will need closure on this death so take the time to do it now
    katiekruschke

    Answer by katiekruschke at 10:03 AM on Jul. 25, 2010

  • I think you should have went. Although they weren't close his uncle would have been a sibling to one of his parents right? I personally would have wanted to be there for my parent. I have taken my babies to funerals bc they were nursing. No body is obligated to go to things like that and you can't change anything. Don't feel badly it was ultimately your decision to make. I would have just made a different decision personally
    CLewis1226

    Answer by CLewis1226 at 10:10 AM on Jul. 25, 2010