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have no idea what to do next

well I dont quite know where to start...my dh and i have been married 7 years and have two kids. He is army(currently in the middle east..going on 14months now)and I have been a stay at home mom for a little over a year. He is distant and detached normally, always has been.It is not out of the norm for him to only call once a week or so, even skip a week here and there. 6 weeks went by with no word,even on our anniversery. He has boughts of serious depression and I was worred sick.I had no bad intentions when i did what follows,i simply wanted to know before i went to his work and said anything to them. I decided to log into his email acount and see if he'd been using it/make sure my only quick way to communicate was stil open...i found pictures of another woman. they are not pornigrafic but one is sugestive(her thong panties are very perpousful visable from the front).

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:02 AM on Jun. 29, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • When you married I'm sure the person presiding over the ceremony said something along the lines of "the two shall become as one". That includes emails and IMs. You do have the right to read his emails. You have the right to know what he is doing and with whom he is doing it. (even just talking online) I suggest you speak to him and let him know that you at least know about her. Be prepared for him to make it seem like nothing. It's not nothing if she disrepects your request for her to quit contacting him then turns around and contacts him/you via IM. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him to cease all communication with her immediately or suffer the consequences. Don't tell him what consequences you might be considering. Let him think about them on his own. Tell him what you expect from him (fidelity) and that when he gets home you will discuss this and his depression in further detail but for now reinforce how much you love him and believe in your marriage.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:59 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • she sent them from a cell phone so I had her number and called.Asked her if she knew he was married and had two small children she said she didnt.asked the nature of there realationship and she said they only talked.(refered to me as mam the whole time)told her id prefer if shed stop talking to my husband and she said she would. well since i found the pics i requested some info and found out about another email addy and ended up breaking into that one and getting on the im...when she poped up and told me(thinking i was him) all about the conversation we had.in the same breath she said whats the problem there only friends as she said that if he wants it to ever go further than that he will have to cut all strings with me....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:03 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • then she says that i(as in me the wife not as him) never would have called her pointing the finger if i wasnt up to something myself! the nerve! well i was pretty pissed off as you can imagain and change all his passwords. he gets online and cant log on so he changes them...this goes back and forth he borows some ones cell and calls me and tells me he can be friends with who ever he wants and he dosnt like that i get angry when we fight and if i do ever again hes leaving me and that it was illegal for me to accsess his personal information...ect.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • well belive it or not i love this guy, i think he needs some mental heath and to just be home with us for a while and get his head strait.these deployments for such lengths of time are not healthy for someone with no issues,they are dangerous when someone goes into them with some. I want to work thew any issus we or I have and will support him thew working on his.I'm a fool in love but I dont want to be blindsided if he dose decide its trully over.how and what do i do to prep for the worst while stil hopping it all works out for the best? what specificly towards the military do I do,mind you infidelity in the military is illegal,?was i breaking the law by looking at my spouses email without expressed promision?
    thank you for ready my mini book and I would love to hear from anyone whos willing to lend me there ear...i could really use someone to talk to.
    thanks
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • first of all it was not illegal lmmfao!!! unfortunately he is not bright when it comes to law lol, it's the same as bills, and mortgages, in a marriage it is between both of ya'll lol.... it sounds to me like he has some serious commitment issues, considering he's married to you and wants to look or speak with other women in an unorderly fashion. and what's even better is who does this other woman think she is!?. sweetie you have the right to tell him he needs to change or you will leave him. because what he is doing is telling you, you need to bend to his wants and wills which in the end will lead to a one way street.. and you will not be happy. just a suggestion lol. i have kinda the same problems lol
    enjen

    Answer by enjen at 1:19 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • Your initial motive was to see if you could find out what was up so I wouldn't look back on how this all started. You will not know what is going on with him unitl he is back. Maybe you are right but it is unfortunate that he is not in touch with you instead of these women. I had a neighbor who talked to the army chaplain about some issues concerning her husband. He was good to talk to because he really knew what the military meant to families, couples and the men. He had some insight for her too. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It's worth the effort to work it out and see if you can get him help. Find help for yourself to start and take it from there. You will know what to do.
    manna1qd

    Answer by manna1qd at 1:20 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • P.S. I hope you aren't going to take his threat to leave you as a reason to back away from confronting him with the truth. You deserve a man who is commited to you and your children. He does have issues that he needs to deal with, otherwise, it is you who will need to think about where the marriage is going to go. Don't ever let him guilt you into thinking what he is doing is ok because it is not. Take care of yourself.
    manna1qd

    Answer by manna1qd at 1:24 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • Him being overseas is no excuse, if he will do it there he will do it at home too. I would go talk to the chaplain, they are a great place for advice. I guarantee you that he has heard it all before.
    AKEllen

    Answer by AKEllen at 1:28 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • I agree the chaplain would be a good place to start. On another note I know that if its his army email you and/or him can get in trouble because it sometimes has sensitive information in it.
    ErpsMom

    Answer by ErpsMom at 2:36 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • Only you know the answer as to what you will accept from him. However, these personal conversations and phone calls may start off innocent but their is always a motive in life. I have lost a job because I hung out with a male friend at my work while I am in a bad marriage. What started off as friendship led to complete regret. Depression can lead us down a road that we don't want to be in. With the shoe on the other foot be a strong woman and tell him what you will accept. If him chatting with another woman is unacceptable leave, or if you see this as harmless then that is your answer. The question you ask seems to have the answer within. From someone who has suffered a lot in the last few years. However, the blame in my marriage falls on both of us. Good luck...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:36 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

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