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Adopted kids in the divorce

my oldest is 4 and we have had him from day one he is my husbands but not mine.. I adopted him but now that we are diovercing he is moving 3 states over. and wants to take his son I know legally that I have the same rights as he does even if it isnt my child BUT deep down I feel like i should let him take his son.. :-( any advice..

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Asked by miss_nevin at 10:59 PM on Jul. 26, 2010 in Adoption

Level 4 (42 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • What about the child though? You are the only mother he knows... That doesn't seem fair to him.

    Answer by Erin814 at 11:02 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • thats sorta my point.. but i feel bad keeping him here to away from his dad.. i am not sure what to do.. :-( which would be why the question is up.. hoping maybe someone else been thru this

    Comment by miss_nevin (original poster) at 11:04 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • I haven't been through it, but I would think that you should have some sort of custody arrangement. I know some who have their kids for the entire Summer, for instance.

    Answer by Erin814 at 11:07 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • oh i wouldnt not ever see him he would just go with his dad most the time.. and i would get visitations just having a hard time with letting him go but also having a hard time with keeping him here.. so im lost on what to do

    Comment by miss_nevin (original poster) at 11:11 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • I wouldn't be able to let him go, personally. I hope it all works out for you!

    Answer by Erin814 at 11:11 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • As a parent of a child through adoption, I am cringing. All ideas of him being adopted should be thrown out the window and you should treat and feel for this child as though you birthed him yourself. So I guess I'll answer your question with a question of my own.......what would you do if this was your biological child? Whatever your answer to that is would be my answer to your question.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:21 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • honestly I would let him go with his dad.. im sure im gonna get bashed, but he has behavioral problems and he dad is the only one that can handle him well.. I love him... I am just having a hard time trying to do the right thing.. while doing whats best for my child..

    Comment by miss_nevin (original poster) at 11:25 PM on Jul. 26, 2010

  • If you can't handle him because of behavior issues, then you may be conveniently using DNA over adoption to solve your own "dilemma". I won't bash you for putting the child's needs above your own. If his dad will genuinely take care of him, and if you can live with visitation only, then maybe that is best. It is your decision.

    Personally, I have been in this situation, but with my niece that my DH & I were raising. Well, HIS niece that we were raising. She moved in with us at age 11 and we divorced when she was 14. She stayed with ME. It was her decision. DH and I made some drastic changes in our lives & did eventually remarry 1-1/2 years later. She stayed with us until she was 18. Have you tried counseling???

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:12 AM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • I'm re-reading your question and am struck by "my oldest is 4 and WE have had him from DAY ONE he is my husbands BUT NOT MINE." Can I ask where his bio mom is and how & why you adopted him? You have had him from day one, but he's not yours? Is there more to the story that might explain the divorce plans AND your son's behavior problems? PM me if you'd rather say privately, and of course, if you'd rather not say at all, you have a right to privacy. I have had a friend in a similar position though. If I can help in any way, let me know.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:18 AM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • bio mom isnt around.. she didnt want him and my husband and i were married when she got pregnant.. mmm that explains part of our issues.. he wanted too take him and I did too.. mother did drugs when she was pregnant.. we do have one other child together and i recently had a baby a few months ago.. we havent lived together for 2 years.. our problem now is he hits me and kicks me and hits his sisters and his father is now out of the military and wanting to take him home, I have buyed a house here and do not want to move on top of that I dont know if i can handle him.. some days are fine others arent.. I am trying to talk his dad in to too staying here.. and he can take him and I can have him 2 or 3 days at a time.. maybe.. its hard when you no longer can handle him.. and i have other kids to worry about as well..

    Comment by miss_nevin (original poster) at 1:59 AM on Jul. 27, 2010

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