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For women who have been with their SO for over 5years before getting married, or have not married yet...

Basically someone who has been with their SO for a while before marriage, or those who have been with their SO for a while and still decided to not marry...

I have been with my SO for 4 year, going on 4, and I have decided a while ago that 4 years is the max. I will stay with him without being married, after that a decision needs to be made, I need to marry him or be single.

He is ready for marriage, I on the other hand am hesitant.

Please share your stories, I know one should be 100% ready but I think the fact that I have never seen a marriage that works out may have something to do with it. My mom never married, she just sticks around a long time until the guy is done, longest being 12yrs with my dad. I don't want that in my future which is why I give myself the ultimatum.

Im confused


Asked by DomoniqueWS at 2:07 PM on Jul. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Level 25 (23,109 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Me & DH were together 7years, had a baby, but didnt get married for another 2 years (so 9yrs total)... We have been married now 2 yrs (together 11 yrs total)... You will never feel like you are 100% ready, especially if you are already sleeping together, living together & pretty much doing everything but share last names.. Everything that makes a "marriage" has already been done.. The only thing you dont have is his last name & any right to his stuff if something happens to him, you have no say-so over him legally if he gets put in the hospital (and visa/versa)...


    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 2:40 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • if you dont really want to marry him, then dont.
    but dont live your life in fear because of the mistakes your mom has made or because other marriages dont work.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 2:11 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • Why 4yrs? I say if you're happy now, stay together and be happy. There's no need to put time limits on things, marry when you both are ready.

    Answer by bumblebeestingu at 2:12 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • The reason I put a time limit is because I don't want to just keep being content and not making a decision, so this is the choice, ultimatum I give myself. Some people don't put time limits on anything and are content doing the same thing for years with no decision, which is why I wanted some words from personal experience

    Comment by DomoniqueWS (original poster) at 2:17 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • If your SO is ready to get married and your not don't be upset if the tables turn and you decide that your ready and he is not. It is much harder to change the mind of a man once he gets use to things the way that they are. The saying goes that a man knows six months into dating you whether he wants to marry you are not. If you are not sure don't hem him up move on.
    I can tell you this much you are never 100 percent ready. Marriage takes love and hard work if you have those two ingredients what are you waiting for. Don't be afraid just dive right in with the attitude that this will work.

    Answer by grownsexy at 2:18 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • I was with my DH for 5 yaers before marrying him.. I didn't really want to get married and honestly.. I shouldn't have.. I was 23 and needed time to grow up- we went through many rough patches.. after almost losing him, I realized he had my heart... we have been together for 13 years now total - its up and down and I was never CERTAIN until it was almost too late, but I never believed you HAD to be married either.. if he didn't want it so bad, we would still not be married and just as happy now

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 2:18 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • So even if you are in love with him, you put this rule on yourself to break up if you aren't married (and you are the holdout on the getting married part)? Sounds like in a way, you are recreating your mother's life.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 2:38 PM on Jul. 27, 2010

  • @kathyartist2007, there is no way you can say I am reliving my mothers life, there are so many more details you would need to know to make that judgement.

    @ PP's

    I guess I'm just ready to take a leap either way, cafemom is literally the only way I get to hear advice from other married people unless I talk to my friends parents. Thanks for the insight

    Comment by DomoniqueWS (original poster) at 3:06 PM on Jul. 27, 2010