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i have a 22 year old daughter that was diagnosed with rheumatiod arthritis. she also almost died from a sinus infection that went septic. She is going through some painful things right now but sometimes it just hurts too much to be around her. sometimes I just need to leave. I feel like a bad Mom because of this. i know it isn't her fault and feel guilty cause I go do things with my friends. any suggestions on how to deal with all these conflicting emotions?

She lives with me and has been really mopey lately. She doesn't have insurance so we are waiting on SSD.


Asked by dragonlady44 at 10:06 AM on Jul. 28, 2010 in Health

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Answers (10)
  • Mommy guilt is a plague that we can't cure. First and foremost you need to take care of your physical and mental well-being. Exercise, meet with friends, read a book. Keep yourself engaged, alert, and healthy. We love our children and sometimes feel powerless to help them -- but we will be completely useless if we don't stay strong.

    Answer by EvesMom731 at 10:23 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I suppose I am not as" nice" as the previous posters. I think you need to suck it up and be there for your daughter. Family is family and being there for them means the bad times as well as the good. I would never be so selfish where my own children are concerned...and yes I have been there, I have a special needs child.

    Answer by yourspecialkid at 10:18 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I'm really sorry. I think it is perfectly acceptable and understandable that you need to get away sometimes, there is nothing to feel guilty about. That doesn't mean you can't be there for your daughter to support her emotionally sometimes, but you can't be there all the time and she probably needs time and space for herself to help her deal with her health issues. Over time both of you will come to terms with her diagnosis. Now that she knows what she has there are treatments for her but it can take time for them to become effective, also make sure she talks to someone about the possibility that she might have Lupus. 


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 10:12 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Recognize that you're human, and you need release, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you'll be a better mother for taking care of yourself. Have you been assigned a medical social worker? If so, the medical social worker can help you find affordable counseling for both you and your daughter. Rheumatoid arthritis is a difficult disease to manage properly and it's going to take you and your daughter some time to learn and adjust.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 10:13 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I think you also need to take care of yourself in order to help her through this. I have a nephew who was paralyzed and it is still heartbreaking to see, I do not live him but I have a sense of what you are going through, it is hard to see your child in pain no matter what the situation. Another thing, i have two aunts with lupas and rhuematoid arthiritis and both now are doing well and working, I am sure it is a shock now but I think one day you two will be better able to cope with her situation.

    Answer by MS5909 at 10:15 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • you don't have to be with her around the clock. she is still an adult, although a young one : )
    have you looked into an antiinflammatory diet?
    have you looked into alternative healthcare?
    what has her diet been like?
    has she been on any medications in the past few birth control? get her off of it!
    she is far too young to be living like this.
    tell her she needs to take her health into her own hands, and don't continue on the same path that lead to this!

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 10:19 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I think time apart could be good for both of you sometimes. Everyone needs alone time.

    Answer by shay1130 at 10:19 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • You are not a bad mom-its hard to see your child suffering. I am the mom of 2 special needs boys, and I have health issues-fibro, asthma are the main ones. It can be emotionally difficult to care for a child with special problems. I just try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to take time for myself when I can. Going out with you friends is a good idea-you need to recharge. Don't feel guilty-she knows you are coming back. A support group online or locally for parents in your situation would be a great idea for you-to get your frustrations out and get ideas. The key is a balance, caring for your daughter, taking time for yourself, and also talking about your situation. I'm sorry your daughter is suffering so-I hope she will have much better days ahead.

    Answer by tiger123 at 10:21 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • My older sister was diagnosed with lupus when she was 15 - emotionally she became a train wreck. There was a good support group at our hospital and my parents and I would go with her. She refused to follow her doc's instructions (avoid temperature extremes, get enough sleep, healthy diet, take her medication) because she was naturally rebellious and hated the world anyway. It didn't end well for her, so if you daughter does have lupus it is very important to stress that she follow her doc's instructions. The support group was for the family as well as the afflicted, it really was great because caregivers could talk to other caregivers and relieve some of that burden. good luck!

    Answer by plylerjones at 10:21 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I agree that you do not need to be around her 24/7 and you need time for yourself... BUT she needs your support now more than ever!! Believe me it is NO FUN having RA, I have it plus osteoarthritis and Fibro. I can't even explain how this makes a person feel mentally and physically. I understand that it's a "downer" for you, but think about how she feels... She can't just walk away from it and get a break from the daily pain and fatigue.


    Answer by mom2maddie06 at 3:15 AM on Sep. 20, 2010