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How can I handle my teen daughters selfishness?

My 14 year old daughter can be sweet, kind and compassionate - to anyone outside her family. She exhibits these qualities with me, her dad or sister, only when she wants something from us.

Is this just normal teen behavior...do other moms struggle with this? All my friends daughters seem so kind and considerate, but I feel my daughter only uses me to get what she wants.

I keep loving her...but I must admit sometimes it is hard to do so. How much abuse must a mother take?

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barbmom420

Asked by barbmom420 at 11:02 AM on Jul. 28, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • well was she spoiled as a small child..?
    oppsdiditagain

    Answer by oppsdiditagain at 11:08 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • You are not alone on this one. My daughter will be 14 on the 7th and we have the same here. If she wants something she will do her chores without asking but if she doesn't it's like puling teeth to get her to do anything. I get why should I do chores you don't pay me to do them. or why do I have to watch him(her brother) he can watch himself. She has become a person that I am not really liking these days and I don't know why. I look at what she says or does and go I know I didn't teach her that. What happened to the sweet little girl that would do anything for just a hug. All of my friends who have older daughters say it's just a phase but boy would I like for her to get out of it.

    Is your daughter in highschool yet? and how old is her sister?
    Koronk1

    Answer by Koronk1 at 11:08 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Well my kids are like that too. Usually when they are more tired. My youngest is the queen meanie. She seems to think talking mean is okay. I tell her when she is calmed down and in a different place --I say "hey cool it off a bit, your mean to me and I take it personally. When you say mean stuff to me I don't brush it off so easily. I am only human"..
    Other times I tell her you know there is a whole big mean world out there your family is on your side, even though you think not we are. We can choose to be mean or nice, we love you and care about you try to a little nicer to us. I keep saying stuff like this. HOpefully it sinks in. My job as a parent is not to take too much crap. My husband is a little more lenient. However one time he took her aside and said "now your really scaring me with how mean you are, you need to really think about what kind of person you want to be'.
    It is rough, some times they get it.
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 11:10 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • When I was a teen I was a major pain in my families back side...I think it's normal.
    And it does NOT have anything to do with being spoiled as a child...We had nothing growing up.
    Good luck!
    chupachyps

    Answer by chupachyps at 11:12 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I think the teen years are the hardest of all. To some degree I think that selfishness is just part of being a teen....although I don't think that makes it okay. I have 3 sons, ages 27, 20 (21 next week) & 18. They've all gone through this to some degree. I think that very often they don't even know they are being selfish....but they want what they want. I always kind of compare teens to the terrible twos. In their head the whole world revolves around them, & even the most giving, responsible teens, are'nt always mature enough to see beyond themselves.

    I also think hormones have a lot to do with the behavior. I have sons, but my friends with girls, tell me that it's often even tougher with the hormone changes a young girl goes through. I try to remember how I felt & behaved as a teen. I was a good kid, got good grades, didn't get into trouble, did what I was told, followed the rules but I could be demanding.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:15 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • I don't consider this to be normal teen-aged behavior. By the time a child reaches this age, she should have grasped the concept of family loyalty and the knowledge that when everyone else has disappeared, family is who you can count on. It may be that she has been given too much without having had to earn any of it, and so she sees you as existing solely for her purposes and benefit. If that is the case, it is a lot harder to unteach these concepts than it is to teach the idea of helping and being helped from the beginning. If you retrain her at this point, it will be painful for her and for the rest of you. I think I would start by having a sit-down with her and telling her that disrespect would no longer be tolerated from her, and that every instance of it will be met with the removal of something that she holds dear--something that has been given her by the same folks she has no use for. This will get ugly, so be ready!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:19 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Contined:

    Anyway, at that age, most kids have been pretty much taken care of by their parents, they haven't had to stand entirely on their own two feet, and won't for a few more years. They don't fully appreciate the responsibilities their parents have, the work, expense, and stress of adult life, until they are on their own, so they're still selfish. They are between being a child and an adult, and suddenly want adult privileges, but don't understand the responsibilties.

    Keep loving her, even if you have to make a conscious decision to do so, don't give up on her yet. But, don't be to hard on yourself. I think the teen years are the hardest, and take the most out of you, so I hope you have a lot of support, and if you need an ear...holler, I'm not quite done with it myself!!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:20 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Sounds like a typical teen.

    I am sure your friends go through the same, just not saying anything about it...

    I know I am right now, she is not getting nothing, until she starts treating me like everyone else.

    They know who they can get away with it, and guess what she know she can with you... Stay strong, don't argue and demand respect and try once in a while joking with her after she cools down.
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 11:23 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Sounds like me at 14 lol. My mom just loved me! That was all. You may think your friends kids are not like that but I can bet they are. Love your DD and tell her how she is actting is not OK. She will see when she is a mom just like I did!!!! I sometimes call my mom to say sorry for how I was and my DD is ony 2 1/2! It will be OK!
    delilahsmom1177

    Answer by delilahsmom1177 at 11:23 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

  • Girl..Pray, stay strong, it is true for just about all teenagers, she hopefully will grow out of it..I did..
    2ndtimearound4

    Answer by 2ndtimearound4 at 11:29 AM on Jul. 28, 2010

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