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What should I have done?

I adopted my daughter at her birth. That was 18 years ago. I always told myself that it wasn't fair to continue lying to her so I told myself that when she turned 18 (NOT the exact DAY she turned 18...how cruel to do that on her b'day) that she was adopted. Well, I asked my pals what they thought I should do and they all said to tell her before she found out elsewhere and hated me for it. I listened to them and told her. Now my daughter is VERY upset with me for telling her. She said that she would have rather not ever have known and now she won't talk to me. What do I do? Did I do the right thing by telling her?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:54 AM on Oct. 3, 2008 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Yes you did, though she is hurt right now. She will be glad you are the one who told her later in life. Just remeber it isn't you she is mad at, she just has alot of feelings she needs to sort through and prob. doesn't know how, or what to feel yet. So she is having a hard time dealing with it. Don't worry she will come around. Just make sure she knows you just want the best for her and reassure her of your love. And tell her you support her. Just don't worry, things will turn out alright. Will be praying for you both.
    lovinmomto3

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 6:38 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • I'm not adopted, but I would imagine that being told that you are would be a huge shock if you had no clue up to that point. I know when I am shocked by something I'm told, my first reaction is to get angry. I think that's all she's doing. She's angry b/c this is such a shock to her, and she doesn't know how to handle it yet. I have one friend who is adopted, and he told me one time that he'd always known he was adopted, that it was part of his identity. Maybe she feels a little bit like she's lost her identity now, hence the wishing you'd never told her. I think you need to just give her some time. Tell her you're there for her, and you'll help her with this however she wants, and then just give her some time and some space to process and deal with it. I'm sure, in the end, everything will be ok. I wish you both the best.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:51 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • I guess this should be a lesson to people that lies bring no good. Now she is upset because her whole idea of who she was has been shaken. You should have let her know all along she was adopted. Imagine how you would feel if the person you loved and trusted as your mom told you she's lied about who you are your whole life? You'd be upset too. Yes, eventually she may forgive you. Are you going to help her bio mom if that is what she wants? Everyone is entitled to know where they came from if they want to know.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:02 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • What should you have done? You should have been telling her her whole life. All you can do know is apologise for lying to her. If you want to help her now google "late discovery adoptees". You will find a wealth of info on how learning about one's adoption late effects the adoptee and maybe even some support groups your daughter may want to join.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 10:03 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • yes you did the right thing what if she gets sick it may be some thing in her family that you may not know about.
    madcat500

    Answer by madcat500 at 10:39 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • Well, we have two adopted children and I it will be pretty hard to keep it a secret since they're only 5 months apart LOL! Even if they weren't that close in age, we would still tell them. Everyone has there reasons for either keeping it from the child or telling the child. I personally don't think you lied to her at any point in time...you did what you thought was best for her and your family. Now that she knows, it will take awhile for her to process the fact that she has another family out there somewhere and she knows nothing about them.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 11:02 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • Continued...Give her some time, I can only imagine what a shock it is to learn that you are adopted at this age. Eighteen is a hard age anyway, so many changes going on in life at this time and now there's something else she has to deal with in her own way and at her own pace. I think you did the right thing telling her, I think it would have been even more devastating to find out from someone else. She will come around, you ARE her mother and you've been there her entire life....she'll realize that and come back to you!
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 11:03 AM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • Give her some time. I have always made sure my son knows that his dad is not his biodad and he understands what adoption is because I was afraid a scenario like this would play out. Good Luck. I think she will be ok.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 1:42 PM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • Give her time and get a family counselor. She is hurt and upset and you have to heal that pain. Being right or wrong won't help now. Heal the pain. There was know way you could have known her reaction. Try to imagine her pain.
    debyduz

    Answer by debyduz at 3:04 PM on Oct. 3, 2008

  • At her age, she may not yet realize that it is important for her to know the truth. You did the right thing in telling her, but you waited too long. Children should never need to be told that they are adopted, it should be a fact of their life from the very beginning. You lied to her by omission and lots of adopted children take that very hard as your daughter is. Hopefully, as your daughter matures, she will realize that even though she should have been told sooner, that you meant her no harm.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 4:14 PM on Oct. 3, 2008

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