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8 Bumps

Need Help (Warning: Not Pretty) adult content

In a nutshell:
-Age 11-12 I was molested. Nothing more, still traumatic.
-Told DH when we were dating (2nd person I told). He was sweet and understanding. He thought that it would be easy for me to get over since it never progressed to worse (he recently told me his thoughts then).
-Twice a month I have a total breakdown (now DH understands that it's not easy to get).
-Had counseling, did not help (I'm sure there are psychological reasons for that).
-DH wants to try certain sexual things, but I cannot bring myself to try it (nothing to do with preteen trauma).
-This upsets DH (of course) but he is understanding. I've asked him not to bring it up, since not doing what he wants makes me feel like a bad wife, but he still asks.
-I've been dreaming of him leaving me since I don't meet his sexual needs.
-I feel like a bad wife.
-I can't get over my past.
-Should it be easy to get over since it didn't progress?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:52 PM on Jul. 31, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • Counseling won't work if it's not the right "match" ... match between client and therapist, match between type of therapy and client, match by being the right time to address the problem. Counseling isn't about finding a "fix", it's an ongoing process. It may be time to go back, to make a new effort.

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 12:56 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • "should" it be easy to get over? well, everyone is different. If you are not "over it" then NO. it shouldn't be easy for you to get over.

    How many therapy techniques have you tried? How many different therapists?

    I was molested from the age of 3 or 4 until i was 10 years old. And i know that these things take time. you can't just say therapy didn't help and give up on it. You have to keep trying. You never stop trying to heal yourself. I suggest you look into Mindfulness Meditation. And possibly some EMDR therapy.
    Best wishes for you dear.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 12:58 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • Please find a new therapist. If you are in the Chicago metro area, contact me; I have a friend who is a therapist and specializes in treathing women who have been traumatized.

    Answer by rkoloms at 1:05 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • I think you need to try another therapist and maybe even couples therapy. You have to also allow yourself to stop feeling guilty, you are not a bad wife. We are all different and we aren't all comfortable with the same things.


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 1:06 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • This is something only you can answer. I agree with the person who said therapy has to fit. I see people with all diferent problems and different solutions. Some don`t want to fix it and dont. Keep looking you will find what you need.

    Answer by GoGreen6210 at 1:08 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • No it shouldn't be easy to get over sexual molestation whatever formit is just that and can be very tramatic on anyone. I feel bad for you & I hope you will continue to finding out what can work for you. I would say find a new therapist you'll have to start all over again but stick it out until you feel that you are getting this issuse resolved.
    I have never been in any kind of situation like that ever in my life. If my dh told me he wanted to try different things I was not comfortable with you can beleive I wouldn't even try them out. It's my body and no one is going to do something to me I don't like or want.
    You are not a bad wife or mother just because of those things you have stated.
    Only you can know if it's right for you to leave him. You will have to think long and hard what you want for your Life. I wanted to say Good Luck on everything!

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 1:15 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • I think understanding would not be asking you to do sexual things that make you uncomfortable for the moment. And give you a break. You may need therapy or a new person in your life.
    Sorry but it is what I think.

    Answer by tryin2BGOOD at 1:16 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • i don't have any answers for you...sorry, i just wanted to send you some HUGS & KISSES!
    you're a strong woman, and you'll find a way to help yourself.
    best wishes :)

    Answer by chupachyps at 4:08 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • First you do not have to do anything sexual you do not want to do. Period. It doesn't make you a bad wife. Second, if you are having breakdowns twice a month you need some help. Therapy is hard work! You have to find someone you trust and then make a commitment to work hard on your issues. It takes time to get over any trama. Take good care of yourself. If you feel like you are going to have a breakdown, find a quiet place to relax and allow yourself to feel upset and deal with the emotions. Read books on recovering from this kind of trama. Get involved in a support group of women who have suffered as you have. You will get over it. It just takes time.

    Answer by bjane01 at 4:13 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

  • I don't understand why any husband would ask their wife to do something sexual that they are uncomfortable keep asking is disrespectful. I would understand if you were withholding sex from him and not trying to do a minimal amount of foreplay, kissing, and being passionate. But this whole I gotta have it up the butt, or I gotta cum on your face is just outta line (though I'm not sure what he has asked..just stating). I feel that you probably need to spend time with another therapist that can be of more help to you. I also want to say that I was also molested from about the age of 10-12 so I know a little of what you faced. One thing I do know that allowing the past to haunt you robs you of the joy you could be having today, and whoever victimized you is not worth your suffering today. You are worth the moving on, pressing forward, and finding the happiness in your life. Wishing you all the best:)

    Answer by Heathercurlz at 7:28 PM on Jul. 31, 2010

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