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2 Bumps

how do you know when your not in love anymore?

Ive been married for 6 years now and my DH and i have 3 boys altogether..2 bio and he has a son from a previous relationship. There is alot of favortism shown towards the oldest which is my step son and my younger two are treated VERY differently. Just for expample xmas for him can be 15 gifts and the younger 2 may get 1 or 2 a piece. Bdays are the same way! He also gets special visits to grandmas to spend the night and the other 2 never have...she used the excuse for a long time they are still babies..well here are their ages....8, 6, and 4!!!! Between that and the family just simply not liking me bc according to them i took "my husband and his son" away from them...its always been conflict between us and i feel it will never change..my husbands excuse is you will understand one day...we r a close family and im the baby! I feel as if things will never change n thinking i should throw the towel in. has anyone ever ex this

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:05 PM on Aug. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • None of that stuff you talked about has to do with love. You talked about monetary things that are given to your kids and how his family feels about you. Aboslutely none of that has to do with your relationship with your husband or love.

    Real love takes work and consistancy to keep together. I'll say that again. Real love takes WORK and CONSISTANCY to keep together.

    Real love is not the warm fuzzies you get during the chemical attraction phase of your relationship. So many people throw away a marriage and tear apart their children's family because they excitement and gushy feeling goes away. Love is more about commitment and loyalty than romance.

    It sounds like you've placed a lot of stipulations on whether you'll love your husband or not. His family must like you. He must give your kids X number of gifts, etc. None of that has to do with love.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 4:16 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • As far gifts. The oldest probably gets more gifts because he's older. I don't know how young your kids are, but my toddlers only get two gifts each at Christmas. Money is tight for us and it doesn't make much sense to spend a lot of money overwhelming our kids with stuff that distracts from the true meaning of Christmas. Also, if your stepson lives with his mom or has shared custody with Dad, he may buy him more because he's trying to make up for lost time.

    Try to focus on what you appreciate in your family and then ask yourself what you've done lately to nurture your marriage. So often wives think they've fallen out of love when the marriage gets neglected. But tending to our marriages is as much our responsibility as it is our husbands. Unless your husband is a jerk, if you change your attitude to one of respect and gratitude and treat him with dignity and love, he'll also change the way he treats you for the better.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 4:21 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • ok maybe i didnt word this right...my MIL shows all the favortism to this one child and NO his bio mother is NOT in his life at all...i have raised him since he was 6 mo old....and he gets treated equally ..what they are doing is enabling this child ..the younger two's feelings are constantly being hurt...and the oldest is 8 middle is 6 and youngest is 4..so age should have nothing to do with it...ya know.... my husband just says shes set in her ways....is not exceptable to me..sorry..thanks for the advice....maybe this will help clear some of this up
    HOTMOMS23

    Answer by HOTMOMS23 at 4:33 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • Your question was about loving your husband and all your complaints have to do with your mother in law, and you sound very hostile. I'm sorry my advice angered you, but I've learned a lot in my nearly 12 years of marriage and from watching my mom's failed marriage to my dad. Your children need you and your husband to nurture you marriage and strengthen your immediate family bond and stop worrying so much about what your MIL does or says.

    My family is insane. They favor my niece over my kids and can't stand my husband, but that has absolutely zero to do with our marriage and our children. My husband has the misfortune of feeling like he's in your shoes due to my family, but thankfully he doesn't let it get to him. This is our home. These are our kids. And this is our marriage. My in-laws and his in-laws are irrelevant to what is essential to raising our kids in a loving and nurturing home.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 4:41 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • Having an issue with the MIL shouldn't define the love you have your husband. While it is annoying that she acts this way - it shouldn't be a reflection of your marriage or really have any bearing on it. Don't let how is family acts impact your own family, what they think doesn't really matter. As ThrivingMom said its your home, your kids, your marriage that matters and the inlaws shouldn't have any bearing on your family.
    My MIL does a lot of things I don't like, I don't hold it inside because it annoys me and then I explode so I talk about it, with my husband he says he's sorry and we move on. My parents do things that annoy him as well and we handle it the same way. The younger children will see it and eventually won't want anything to do with their grandparents (my children are this way with my mom, and when she asks why they don't want to see her I tell her exactly why)
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:47 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • It sounds like the real issue is your "step" situation, not love. (Although being in a tough situation could definitely harm a relationship.) It sounds like your DH doesn't back you up with his family, that he has a lot of guilt about being divorced, and that you are made to feel like an outsider when it comes to your stepson. I would recommend a therapist that deals with blended families, and go from there. I'm so sorry.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 5:02 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • Your issues may make you resent your husband for his favortism and I understand why you may not feel like you are in love with him, do you feel like you want to fight to fix the problem or would you rather let it continue until you get to the point that you want to walk away from the relationship? If your are truly in love with your husband than you'd fight to make it work. Discuss marriage and family counseling with your husband, he claims you don't understand and its obvious that he doesn't understand either. Counseling will force him to see your point of view and how his actions are hurting his two younger children, it may also help you better understand why he feels like he needs to favor his oldest.
    momof2inCT2007

    Answer by momof2inCT2007 at 5:24 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • I think you need to separate yourself as much as possible from the MIL situation and then look at your relationship with your husband away from all that. It sounds like the peripheral family is blighting your own family life.
    jackdaw

    Answer by jackdaw at 5:31 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • none of that has to do with love... talk to him about how you feel about him playing favorites and the way his family treats you.
    3xangel

    Answer by 3xangel at 11:22 PM on Aug. 3, 2010

  • A lot of people are saying how your posts has nothing to do with love, but it does. You feel like he doesn`t love your children enough, they are his children too, and especially children are a reflection of ourselves and we always want them to be treated better than ourselves.. How is he treating you? (and, btw, I think, 4 and 6 is old enough to get an equal amount of presents) Also, his family not watching your kids and only the oldest? bs. It is rude. But that isn`t your husband. Just say that the oldest can`t stay over any more without the others, and maybe the will have a change of heart..
    Either way.. I can see where you are coming from. All I can say is, talk, talk, & talk to him about it and if nothing is resolved, there are only two things you can do, stay or go. I don`t know your situation, but being unhappy in a relationship is never good. :( Hope everything works out ok for you..
    mellimay

    Answer by mellimay at 11:59 PM on Aug. 4, 2010

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