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Should a step parent earn the right to discipline thier step child(ren?

Scenario: Step dad rarely says anything to step son other than to tell him to do something.Take out the trash.Close the door.Put your plate away.Pick up your stuff.
And he says it just like that,simple phrases or commands.The step son is a tween.The step dad never says hello to him,never speaks to him and even seems to pretend to not hear him when step son asks a question.
Mom finally has enough when step dad tells the son to turn off the a/c in his room when it was hot.Mom waits till the son leaves the room and then she tells the step dad that shes tired of him treating her son that way and if he doesnt love them both (mom and stepson) then he can leave.She says that she wants him to be part of her sons life,not just a person in the house that orders him around.She says, you have to earn the right to tell him to do stuff,earn his respect,pat him on his back once in awhile,ask how you doin buddy,show he cares.The boy is sad

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:31 PM on Aug. 5, 2010 in Parenting Debate

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • The key word is earn. And yes, the privileges of parents must be earned. You must have a real relationship with the child to discipline or make decisions. I think it applies to birth parents too. You can't ignore your kids all the time and only wanna come around when they've done something wrong. You can't come into your child's life after years of absence and be the boss. And adults who are NOT parents and such CAN take those privileges if they know, love, understand, and respect the child. It's never about the label. Mom, dad, step mom, step dad, grandma, uncle Joe, etc. It's about who takes all the jobs and responsibilities of being a parent who should have the right to discipline. My mom married a jerk who is just like this to my younger siblings. They don't exist unless he's telling them to do something or yelling at them. He's even hit them before. They were already teenagers when my mom married him. We hate him.
    jus1jess

    Answer by jus1jess at 7:37 AM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • You are absolutely right! And I am not convinced that the step dad should EVER really be the one in charge of the tween boy! Especially if the mom and step dad got together when he was older....not a small child.

    You stick to your guns and teach step dad how to be a good father first and then maybe he can step into the role of commander just a bit.
    mom2twobabes

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 2:34 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • Well in this case I dont know. If the step parent isnt showing love and affection as well as disicipling the child then no they shouldnt have the right to disipline him or her. The mother is 100% correct her and I am glad she said something to her husband. I couldnt be married to a man who treated my tween son like that.
    navyjen

    Answer by navyjen at 2:36 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • Put yourself in your sons shoes. How would you feel if at 10 yrs old somebody came into the house and started treating you like crap everyday. Never showing you love and affection, acting like you are a burden. Of course he is sad. Either step-dad steps back, or I would get out of this relationship. Do it for your son, I promise this is going to have a lasting impact on your kid and in a short amount of time he is going to start acting out in defiance. Once his hormones start kicking in, he is going to be done with this guy, unless things cool off some.
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 2:39 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • If every effort has been made you have to think about how this is hurting the child and how the child might start to feel isolated no matter how the child is reassured. This kind of pain goes right down to the bone if he is alive with his own child and will not make any effort to be kind to this child it will be known and felt kids don't have to be told they know. If you have made every effort if you are going to stay with him you need to make a counseling appointment. If it were me I would not be with a man who did not value my child.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 2:43 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • BTW the mom should NOT stay in that marriage or ever have entered it without knowing the man would be a good step father. The child WILL resent the mom for it. My siblings and I were always very hurt and very angry when our mom chose men over us. None of us have a good relationship with her. I was out of the house at 16. I doubt my siblings will make the full 18 years either. Mom has to ask herself who is worth more. Allowing her child to have a step parent who shows no affection or who is mean is the same as hurting her child.
    jus1jess

    Answer by jus1jess at 8:07 AM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • He will never change, it will never change, good luck to your son-and pray he don't hate you and everybody around him for it.

    It is a shame you have to tell a grown man, how child is too be treated. Not blaming you, it is hard but you need to get out.

    Hit the doors for your son and your self. Good luck!!!!
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 2:34 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • (OP CONT): The boy is sad and mom can tell. Mom feels like shes givin step dad way more than enough time to form a bond with her son.She's talked to her son, reassuring him that step dad does like and love him he just has a hard time showing it. But because of the way step dad acts, step son doesnt believe it. Step son always listens to what step dad tells him to do, though but at times he does get an attitude because of the way he is told to do something.
    Mom has tried to get them to go to counseling, but step dad refuses to go.
    With his own children, he is alive,active and happy.Moms heart is breaking.Step dad is a really good man.He's just bad at showing his emotions.How does one explain this to a 10 year old to where they can understand and no tbe hurting?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:34 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • As for The question,

    Yes, as long as they are a parent-not a boss.

    A parent whether it be step, adopted or what ever has the right to displine his or her child. If not you might as well not call him a parent or her.
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 2:35 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • that sounds like my mom and stepdad. that ended in fist fights and arguments between me and my stepfather and mother, running away, group homes & hospitals, and i havent lived with them since i was 16. we all get along good now but there marriage is shot.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 2:37 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

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