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2 Bumps

He doesn't get it!

Hubby had an emotional affair...there was no physical intimacy (which I believe based upon the details) but he admits that he' knew he wanted to on some level, thought about, etc. He's not proud of this fact and we are working on things...but, why doesn't he understands that to me, the fact that they didn't physically connect has little meaning...the point is that he wanted to and was heading in that direction!!! That's what matters to me. Do you agree?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Aug. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Maybe he thinks that he did well by having the restraint not to let it get physical. I'm sorry you're in that situation it sounds really tough.
    MamaSarah1104

    Answer by MamaSarah1104 at 2:49 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • I neither agree or disagree with you. I'm not you, I'm not married to you, and not being a real part of the situation, makes it impossible for me to agree or disagree.

    I will share this.. I have been cheated on before (my husband of 25 yr, cheated on me over 15yrs ago).. In the long run. What his intentions were, aren't nearly as important as "WHY" he had developed those intentions to begin with. That's the heart of the matte. "WHY" he wanted to and considerd doing these things."WHY" he became emotionally involved with someone else..etc.

    Only knowing "WHY" can help both learn from the experience, understand why things happened they way they did, and "HOW" to rebuild and move forward from here (if that's what you guys want to do).

    You are on and will be on what is called an "Emotional rollercoaster" (with good reason it's called that.lol) right now. Your mind is full of ?'s and will be for awhile.
    Hang in there!!
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 2:53 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • i agree with mamasarah. he doesn't think it's that bad because he wanted & could have done more. he sounds like an idiot for having an emotional affair & then not realizing that you're going to be really hurt & need time to trust him again. i'm sorry that you have to go through that. good luck.
    rAbella

    Answer by rAbella at 2:55 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • I agree with you and hope you're getting some counseling, both individually and together.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 3:40 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • I agree. I think the fact that he was emotionally involved with another women is just as important as if he were physically involved. The point is he was involved with another women, the details don't matter. He should be ashamed of what he's done and possibly was intending to do.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 3:44 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • im sorry to hear what you are going thruw everything is going to be ok you just have to hang in there
    Ricanmami1

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 3:48 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • Maybe you have to give him some sort of analogy. Like his having an emotional affair hurts as though he had broken your leg. Perhaps it would have hurt like having both legs broken if he had gotten physical as well, but because he only broke one leg doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt like hell. Maybe that doesn't make much sense, but do you see what I mean? Like he punched you in the face and it hurts just as bad even though he didn't then kick you too. He went outside your marriage for comfort and intimacy, whether it was physical or emotional or whatever, and that is a betrayal of your trust. Maybe if he imagined you doing the same, talking late nights with some man about every detail of your person, he could start to understand how that would hurt. Best of luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:00 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • i would find an emotional affair at least as hard to deal with as physical. but you can get through it. i recommend that you both get counseling - he needs to learn how to handle his insecurities and relationship issues in a different way and you need help to find a way to forgive if you both want to move on and try to keep it together.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 4:27 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

  • I'd be asking myself why did he have to go to someone else to fill his needs? Is there something lacking in your relationship? I don't believe in emotional affairs. My husband has female friends and that's what they are. How did you find out?
    QuillingDiva

    Answer by QuillingDiva at 5:02 PM on Aug. 5, 2010

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