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Amoms with bio and adopted children

Before you adopted, were there any mentions by social workers or other parents who had adopted with bio children as well about sibling rivalery?
Have any of you experienced your children fighting with each other, not in over a toy or not over 'he's looking at me' - but over status in the family? Real vs unreal?

How did you or would you handle it? How would you deal with one of your children who is using this weapon against the other?


Asked by adopteeme at 4:17 AM on Aug. 6, 2010 in Adoption

Level 16 (3,092 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I don't think it is wrong to have a biological child after you adopt or have a biological child and then adopt.....but I do think that you have to consider what will work for the child you do have now and for any future children you wish to have (adopted or other wise). I knew a biological child that hated the fact her parents fostered children from the state. She really did not care for it, did not enjoy the experiences she had, and now chooses as an adult to never foster. Her parents even knew she had a difficult time during the time they fostered.

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:48 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • We didn't experience that kind of thing but then when we adopted out daughter, our natural children were already teens and they loved having a little sister. Actually I think that 'chosen child" thing is about the worst thing an adoptive parent can tell a kid...think about it, while you're telling them you "chose" them, they are also getting the message that others did not want them, they tend to take it like there is something wrong with them. As for the situation you describe. That can happen in any family for a variety of reasons. Take a child who is quiet and well behaved vs a sibling who is out-spoken and very active. If the quiet one is always praised and kind of held as an example...there are going to be problems with the other's self-esteem, sense of whether or not they are loved, etc, . Showing favortism of one child over another for ANY reason will always turn out badly.

    Answer by meriana at 10:00 AM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • Our daughter that is adopted is the oldest and only 4 1/2. We haven't experienced anything like that.

    Lilly is very secure in her adoption story at this age. I know that this may change as she ages and I hope that she is always secure enough to tell us how she feels and that we always validate her feelings. I also hope that her little sister ( 2 yrs old currently) understands that we don't love either of them more than the other due to biology and the Lilly IS her sister...period.

    Answer by mcginnisc at 4:57 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • Sometimes I think my amoms chosen child story that she started out telling to make me feel better went terribly wrong and backfired. If her bio son kept hearing your special and we chose you- did that give him the feeling that the parents got STUCK with him? Is that what made him snap?

    some how and somewhere down the line something changed and it was then very large doses of favor in his direction for being born to his mother. It all turned out to be a very toxic family and household


    Comment by adopteeme (original poster) at 4:42 AM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • Adopteeme, I would be interested in hearing what you think would be a good way to handle these things if they come up. We don't have any bio children at this time, but the plumbing is still there, lol, so you never know. I would send a very clear message to the child who is making the others feel "less than". That would absolutely not be tolerated without some sort of consequence. I would rather never get pregnant than have my kids feel hurt like that. I would like to hear some of your ideas, since unfortunately you did experience that when you were growing up.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:46 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • I do not plan to have a biological child because I do not think it would be fair to either child, a biological child or my son through adoption. In our case we have a transracial family and our son is black. Many white children in transracial family have reported feeling left out or ugly. All the attention was reported to be given to the child of color: I love your hair, your skin is so smooth, your so beautiful....all by well intentioned family, friends, and people they run into in general. But imagine your white child who never gets complimented or feels special. This has been reported so often in several surveys and interviews by the siblings of adoptees. I would not do that to a child nor would I want my son to think that he wasn't good enough so I had to have a white child to complete our family. There are several sources that cite bio children being jealous of their adopted sibling. 


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:44 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • i was adopted my older brother was NOT. we never fought over who was real and who was not he was just as happy to have me there as my parents where. i had more problems with other kids at school than any thing. but that was also the age diff. kids are mean to each other that's just how it is. one thing my mom and dad would always tell me when i was having probs from being adopted was "do you think we love you any lass than we do your brother? or do you thing we love you any more?" the answer to that was always no. i would say handle it the same as "Hes looking at me!" tell them its not important who shares blood or who doesn't. family is love and they are there bothers or sister no mater what they want to say so that would be that. and just love them all the same.

    Answer by Manda_Evans at 12:23 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • quote:
    i would say handle it the same as "Hes looking at me!" tell them its not important who shares blood

    if it had only been that easy manda!
    it probably started out being 'simple', but amom had her own hangups about being a real mother. she never addressed the problem when it was small. even way back when, it was very apparent to friends of the family and extended family that there was a need for help, and intervention. no one ever stepped in.... it escalated into abuse and criminal acts.

    I will say that people have validated for me (now that both aps are deceased) that they saw the signs of problems, but never had the balls to act. It was good to know that I wasnt imagining all of this, and that i wasnt crazy for thinking something was VERY wrong with my family.

    Comment by adopteeme (original poster) at 3:00 AM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • iam,
    I'd like to think that nip it in the bud would always work.

    In my case and family. I think the agency did a very POOR job of screening my aps for their motivation to adopt.
    They wanted to "fix" their infertility (adad was infertile) My am was bitter that I didnt come from her womb. She reinforced to her son that blood DOES count. She never nipped it when he acted out. funny.....maybe she had some guilt or fear about how she got her 'real' child. maybe...
    she went outside her marriage with adads blessing to get her real child. with a former foster child she had cared for! (gasp)
    sometimes, I'd like to b#$*& slap him with the proof that HE's not soo real, either . but, its just not worth the energy to give him his truth.
    I'm done with this part of my family and life.


    Comment by adopteeme (original poster) at 3:49 AM on Aug. 13, 2010