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3 Bumps

How do I get my Mother to stop trying to push my sisters life on me?

I am 27 and I am the mother of a 10 month old little girl. From the day i found out that i was pregnant my mother has done nothing but tell me not to put my boyfriends name on the Birth Certificate and that he won't be there for me. Then when i have her my family threw me a baby shower and he came and my sisters big mouth started a whole boat load of trouble. What she did was take my baby away from her father without even asking if she could hold her(just snached her i should say) and now he is the worst person in the world to my family because he said something a couple of days after the party about it. Now he does everything wrong by them. I am so sick of my mother standing up for her and saying look at her she does this she does that, you should do that. and every thing is about her and her kids(who are nothing but trouble)i can't take it anymore someone help me before i lose my head Please!!

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jmmb825

Asked by jmmb825 at 12:24 PM on Aug. 6, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 3 (13 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • Just tell your mother...(with sarcasm) "I am so sorry that you are so disappointed in me, but my daughter and boyfriend are not, and they're the ones who REALLY matter!!" :o)

    You can't turn back the clock, so your mother needs to decide if her bitching is worth destroying your relationship with her or not! She might be surprised that you actually have a backbone and will NOT choose her!! :o) You're 27 years old...time to put your foot down!!
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 12:28 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • You don't.

    You are no more in control of your mother than she is of you.

    Whenever this kind of thing comes up, look placidly at her until she changes the subject. If it helps, examine the lines on her face, the color flecks in her eyes, or the shape of her nose while you're waiting for her to change the subject. Wonder how the shirt she is wearing was made...like how do they get all those different colored threads in the right order to make that pattern, or was it stamped on with dye... is that a separate piece of fabric making the collar, or the same one from the shirt front... or count the hairs in her eyebrows...et cetera.

    Eventually she'll get tired of saying the same things and getting absolutely no response, and actually prefer to talk with you about the things you talk with her about...or go away and find a more sympathetic audience.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:29 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • You and your boyfriend are now a family and if staying together and living happily ever after means getting away from your mom and sister, then I guess that would be the best thing. Give yourselves some distance from them and if they ask about it, let them know what they are doing to you. Good luck!
    shanlaree

    Answer by shanlaree at 12:30 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • This, my dear, is the reason that I limit my interaction with my family... My sister is married, with 6 children she can not feed, has refused to work since the birth of her first child 10 years ago, does not properly care for her children (if CPS saw her home, the kids would be GONE- all 8 of them live in a 2 br condo). She has concussion syndrome from having been very ill when she was a teen, and having had so many concussions from losing consciousness and falling (you should google it to see what I mean, she shouldn't be left in the care of ANY child!).

    The simple fact that she is married, is enough for my family. Because I am not, and I have been divorced, somehow negates the fact that my children are well behaved, well cared for, generally respectful, and that my SO and I love and care for them- and provide them with as much opportunity as possible... but since we're not married, none of that matters.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 12:32 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • Take a deep breath and give your baby girl a hug. Your family sounds incredibly judgmental. No one's perfect and they shouldn't be pushing her life and decisions on you. I'd recommend pulling each person aside and calmly telling them how you feel. Tell them it hurts you to be compared to your sister and that you are not her and that you get to make your own choices, no matter what your decision ends up being. You are a grown woman, they shouldn't treat you like a child, nor should they be mean to your boyfriend.

    What did you say when they took your daughter out of his arms? I think he should be commended for not saying anything at the time and waiting until later to express his hurt by it. In the long run, this is your baby, your family, your boyfriend, your life. You need to be able to stand up for it. And if that doesn't work, distance yourself from them. Your daughter doesn't need to be around that negativity. Good luck!
    kathria

    Answer by kathria at 12:35 PM on Aug. 6, 2010

  • Every single time she brings it up, suddenly your baby will start crying. Or pooping. Or is hungry. Or you are.

    DO NOT engage any conversation that is remotely related to your sister or bashing your boyfriend.

    The second she starts, but in and say "I'm sorry you feel that way, have to go! :) Love you!" or "That's too bad, have to go, love you:)"
    Always make it cheerful, never engage, and don't just change the subject; instead leave or hang up.

    Never say accusitory things, because she does not care and it will only result in an unresolvable argument.

    Put your own feelings and your boyfriends above your mother and sister's.

    Focus on what matters most: creating a loving home environment for your child. :)

    squish

    Answer by squish at 3:09 AM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • your mother sounds like mine did,no matter what you do it is not enough so time to let her go if father of your chid want to be in your life go for it .you are 27 you can think for self you are strong person and you can let your family go you now have new family .built that one it be strong you just have to belive in your self and mom keep her and your sister at arms lenght
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 1:10 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • Let her know exactly what you will no longer tolerate. Say mom I do not like it when you compare me to my sister, I need you to stop talking to me about that. If she does it again, end the conversation and leave. Do not give any explanations to her at that time. just say goodbye and keep walking. If you're on the phone just say goodbye mom and end the conversation. You cannot make her do anything, and you cannot control another person. You can however control yourself and choose not to be a part of that conversation once you see it's going negative. Overtime she will notice that she is not able to even talk about this to you. And it will stop because you've taken the actions necessary to make stop it by not listening or sticking around.

    SylviaNCali

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 2:48 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • If your mom is becoming toxic to you perhaps you should avoid her for a bit. She needs to learn it is your life and she needs to respect that. You only get one life sister, live it your way, don't spend precious time fretting about what others think.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 10:44 AM on Aug. 10, 2010

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