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6 Bumps

choosing celebacy

this's hard to explain so i'll start by saying i come from a VERY traditional family. im in a VERY UNtraditional relationship. i love my relationship but i am not satisfied with it. probably due to my traditional upbringing. bf and i have been living together for the past 3 years. we've talked about it. i think we've had every talk in the world about it. but he comes from untraditional backround and has never been exposed to traditional way of life. so, that is his excuse for not pursuing romance or engagement even if we have a son together.

i know i should have not have gotten into this in the first place. i wish i could make different choices now, saving myself for marriage. but i knew i was going to marry him. well, now there is no incentive for marriage in his eyes other than to shut up our friends. is it too late to turn back? should i choose celebacy till marriage? or is it just stupid now and a plee for attention?

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spazlilsister

Asked by spazlilsister at 12:05 PM on Aug. 7, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (47 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • If you have had a relationship with this man for 3 years now and have a son, celibacy now would be a deal breaker, he sounds he is one of those who will never be ready for a commitment.
    older

    Answer by older at 12:15 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • You should continue the relationship in the manner you have been if you choose to continue it.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 12:22 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • to him, in his family, commitment has nothing to do with marriage. he is totally committed to me.he just thinks that marriage is nothing more than a celebration of a bond. well, we already have that bond and celebrate it every day. we can have the big celebration any time, no rush. which yeah, makes sense but i am still female and would really appreciate him consider my family's traditionalness. btw, he doesn't even care about sex. i just think that because we knew from the beginning we'd be together forever, we have really taken everything for granted.
    spazlilsister

    Comment by spazlilsister (original poster) at 12:22 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • I tend to share his believe that commitment and marriage have nothing to do with one another. Marriage is simply a legal agreement. If you are really that worried about it, approach it from that angle. Explain to him the legal and financial benefits of marriage. My DH and I are very much in love, but we would never have gotten married if it hadn't been for the legal benefits. I simply didn't want anyone by him to have a say in my healthcare, or that of my baby, had something gone wrong during labor - so we got married. I would say he may be more open to marriage as a "legal" deal over marriage as a traditional one. I see no reason for marriage beyond legal reasons either, but those reasons are enough for me to have done it. For me, I don't need a piece of paper to say I love someone or that I am committed.

    My question to you is are you wanting to get married for YOU and HE or for your family & friends?
    SabrinaMBowen

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:32 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • well, if you always do what you've always done, won't you get what you always got? i just feel like we have lost our direction and don't know what to do to reclaim our origional intentions.
    spazlilsister

    Comment by spazlilsister (original poster) at 12:32 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • Sorry, I ran out of room...

    I would think that at this point, trying to go back to a sexless relationship would do more harm than good. Whether you and he choose to admit it or not the physicality of your relationship is a big thing, to remove that would remove a part of who you are and strain the relationship as a whole.

    I would suggest that rather than do something which will ultimately strain your relationship, find a middle ground. Express to him your reasons - beyond tradition, family & friends - for wanting to get married. The benefits to both of you both legally and financially, since his beliefs seem to be more commonsensical than traditionally motivated. And suggest a JP marriage over a big ta-do which is off putting for many many men.
    SabrinaMBowen

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:37 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • oh he is all for marriage for any purpose. he doesn't care one way or the other. like i said, it is the way i was brought up that if you are a good girl, you will find a good guy who will marry you and you two can face this world together. i am a good girl and he snatched me up but that was it. he has committed to me as a verbal agreement. if today i wanted to go to the justice of the peace he would pause his video game and go with me. but i just wouldn't feel as if we have accomplished anything as a couple. we just...exsist. he is very happy exsisting. maybe i need to prove something to myself but i just feel as if my God is saying i am not on the right path. but i don't know what to do...
    spazlilsister

    Comment by spazlilsister (original poster) at 12:38 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • It sounds to me though that these were YOUR original intentions - not his... He has what he originally intended - love, companionship & family... That's enough for him apparently and what he wants and sees as necessary.

    Why is marriage so important to you? You said you come from a traditional family, but what does that mean? My mother was always a firm preacher of "no sex before marriage" and is celibate until marriage with her current SO. But I never believed or agreed with that. So HER traditional values didn't have any bearing on my relationship or my choices, even though she pushed for marriage from the moment I started dating anyone. Those were HER beliefs, not mine. My point is, are your reasons YOURS or your FAMILIES? If they were really truly yours, I don't think you would have broken them in the first place or let it go on this long. And your reasons should be YOURS!
    SabrinaMBowen

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:44 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • what is hilarious though is for a wedding, he actually wants TWO. he actually wants a carnival wedding with our friends because we are apart of an actors troupe. he wants to get on stillts and have an audience. then he wants the normal wedding that he can see me in a white dress and violins play. but even if he is all excited about it, he isn't motivated to do anything. i don't care how we get married... i just don't want to fall into it as a last resort. i want to feel like i have accomplished it. which i don't feel as if i have.
    spazlilsister

    Comment by spazlilsister (original poster) at 12:44 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

  • Okay, I see - So you want the BIG TA-DO! and he's not really wanting all that? He's happy to get married but doesn't want the work? Is that the issue?

    I thought you were saying he just didn't see a reason to get married at all...
    SabrinaMBowen

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:46 PM on Aug. 7, 2010

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