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What do you say to your exs new girlfriend when she comes to you for advice about him?

I posted yesterday about my childrens father coming back after 12 years. Well there leaving today to travel im kool with that. But now shes upset with him so she text me last night about it. Though i told her not to worry about it we'll talk im sure. But how far do I take it?

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apiegurl

Asked by apiegurl at 7:45 AM on Aug. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Level 12 (674 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • I think if you're going to have this conversation with her, you need to try to be as calm and fair as possible, because anything you say to her, she may eventually repeat to him. Remember that she is not you, and what is a make-or-break issue for you may not be for her, and vice versa. And keep in mind that no two relationships are the same; since she isn't you, the dynamics will be different. Remember that people change over time, and what he was like with you, years ago, may not be what he is like with her. Mostly, you should just listen, and let her say what she thinks she needs to.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 7:54 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I like SWasson's advice. He may have changed. She is not you. Anything you say may be repeated to him, and whether she means to or not, repeated to him with her own agenda, so not necessarily what you meant. I feel that it is inappropriate of her to ask him. If your break up was completely friendly and you have no bitter feelings toward him... I still can't see why a new girlfriend would want advice from someone who's relationship with him was unsuccessful. Whatever you decide to do, your best bet is to be kind and generous.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 8:22 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I would say honesty is the best policy. Why sugar coat anything. And even if things would be repeated to him, if they are the truth, you are only giving your honest answer to it all. She would be the one asking the questions in the first place.
    CafeMochaMom1

    Answer by CafeMochaMom1 at 9:25 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I personally would not want to be dragged into my ex's drama with his woman, that is just drama waiting to happen. I would tell her that i don't want to be involved & to go to someone else for advice. You helping her could backfire in your face. I think it's a bad idea to talk to her about anything besides your kids. My advice is don't get involved. It's none of your business & it surely should not become your business. I know you want to be nice to her, but she should understand that you are his ex & mother of his children & you do not want to create unwanted drama with him.

    Remeber this too "never tell a woman something you don't want her husband to know"

    We tell our DH's a lot. I can guarantee that your ex will find out that she came to you with advice & most men would be very upset about that. My DH would kill me if i EVER went to one of his ex's for advice. She's fishing for info from you, i would leave her alone!
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:32 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I would avoid tht...

    Judmr

    Answer by Judmr at 9:54 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I think I'd just say he's yours now, we had our differences which may not be the same for you. I'd advise you fine out on your own and maybe things will work out for the better. Bad mouthing will just make her think your jealous.
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 10:09 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • Honestly, I think that I would tell her something like this "I really like you, I think you're a very nice person, and I hope that you and ___ will be very happy. However, Anything I could say about ___ would be old news from a dead relationship, which won't help you at all... I think, if you really want to figure this out, you should talk to him... "

    Or, "I really like you and I hope we can be friends, and one thing I've learned is, as a friend, the most respectful thing I can do is to stay out of their relationship with their SO, that way, nobody is put into an awkward position if you break up or if you work things out - and I promise I'll never put you in that position, either!" Say it very bright and cheerful, like you're giving her this gift (lol - which, honestly, you are - if she's got a gripe or problem with him, she should talk about it with him, not you...)

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:21 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • Stay out of their relationship. It was very inappropriate for her to be asking you questions about him - she needs to talk to someone else about her problems.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 10:46 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I would tell her that you don't want to get involved.
    LovingSAHMommy

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 11:34 AM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • You also have to keep in mind that she may not be completely honest with what the problem is. If she knows what issues you and your ex had, she may want you on her side with this problem they have, and she may blow it out of proportion. So if you talk with her, take what ever she says with a grain of salt. But, it would be best to just listen. That way, any advice you give can not come back and bite you in the ass, on either side. Maybe let him know you talked, and JUST LISTENED. So he knows, so she can't play both sides like a child. IDK what either of them is like, that's why I say clue him in. This is a tricky situation. Wow.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 12:19 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

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