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2 Bumps

Are You Uncomfortable When Someone

Dies? I use to be, until my daughter was killed. I never knew what to say. Would I say the wrong thing, would I upset them? Then unfortunately I learned, it's better to say at least something, " I'm for your loss." BUT, if it's a child, don't say " I know how you feel," unless you have lost a child. I think we should be taught, maybe in late High School, how to deal with the death of people, we are all so very uncomfortable. When we cry your really not hurting or upsetting the person per say, your just reminding them of their love for that deceased person they loved and miss so very much.


Asked by MyAngel003 at 12:09 PM on Aug. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Level 26 (25,899 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • I agree wholeheartedly with you. I lost my husband when I was 24 and it felt very comforting when people I knew came to me and simply said "I'm sorry for your loss."

    And I would like to add that I'm very sorry for your loss too. I hope that you are doing OK.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 8:33 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I agree about being taught how to deal with it. It would be helpful if people were taught. It depends on who died on whether or not I'm uncomfortable. Sorry about your daughter. :(

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 12:14 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • As I get older I am more comfortable with it. We learn from each other. We always spoke to our sons about what was appropriate to say no matter how uncomfortable they were. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope you are doing OK.

    Answer by elizabr at 12:16 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • Im very hurt and sad and so many other emotions when someone in my family dies we had a death in our Family a few yrs back our niece passed awayand the day of the funeral all I heard was she was in a better place it was gods will I was hurt sad and didnt understand why a little baby was taken...My daughters never got to meet this beautiful little girl who was there cousin we only have pictures and memories sometimes people dont know what to say because they never experienced a loss or just plain dont know what to say It can be an uncomfortable thing to talk about....

    Answer by Truelove77 at 12:16 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I am so sorry for your loss, but you are completely right. One of my friends recently lost her young daughter and at first I was nervous to contact her because I didn't know what to say, but then I realized that my feeling a bit uncomfortable is nothing compared to the pain that she is in. I think it's important just to be there, even if I don't know exactly what to do or say.
    Again, I'm so sorry about your daughter- I can't even imagine what you are going through but you are in my thoughts.

    Answer by skittles1108 at 12:18 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I'm not uncomfortable about being around a person who has lost a loved one. Sad for them, of course! But not uncomfortable. I do try to respect their space though and let them sort of "take the lead" on how they choose to deal with it, because not everyone grieves the same way. Usually, I tell them that I'm so sorry, and that I can only imagine their grief enough to know that it's impossible to imagine how much they're hurting right now. But that I'm there if they need me, whether it's to bring dinner, do the laundry, if they want to talk, or if they just want to go grab a pizza and NOT talk about it. Then, depending on how well I know them, I bring the dinner, help them out with chores sort of thing, but I don't push, because I don't want to intrude on their grief, either.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:24 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I have lost people in my family. I know not to ever say "I know how you feel", EVEN if I've lost the same. Because even if I said that to, say, my sister about losing a family member, we had different relationships with that family member. You NEVER know how someone feels. I guess you have to play it by ear, so to speak, with the person. For me, I would not want to hear "I know how you feel". You'd likely be clobbered for saying that to me. Seriously. I think that when dealing with someone that has lost someone, it's those that are trying to console them that are the most uncomfortable. And that is their problem. IMO. We talked about this stuff when my hubby was deployed, we had dinners for deployed spouses. IMO, when someone loses someone, say a child or spouse, they should be able to be quiet, or talk, when they want to. It's nice to hear that people care though. But ppl can take it too far. KWIM?

    Answer by Raine2001 at 12:27 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • Taking cues is very important. It starts there.
    I don't know when your daughter was killed, or what the circumstances were, but I am very sorry. I would hug you if I could. I hope you do have people around you that can give you the support you need.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 12:30 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • I'm not uncomfortable with it I am just sad and cry with them It's ok to say I'm sorry for your loss is there anything I ca do to help you out. That's all it takes is for someone to know that you'll be there for them. I think if you say nothing at all people think you don't care about them

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 1:16 PM on Aug. 8, 2010

  • The Western culture is very death-denying and very death-avoidant. People say stupid things because they don't know what to say. And let's face it, they don't know what to say because they don't bother learning.
    Following my husband's death, one woman said "I know just how you feel, my cat died last week".
    And people saying nothing can be worse - it's not as if this person didn't exist.
    My widow's group speaks a lot of how society treats this subject, it's really quite sad.

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 1:32 PM on Aug. 8, 2010