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5 Bumps

How would you feel?

My SO and I have lived together for a year, I have a 4 yr old DD, my SO is not her biodad. Where we live, I don't have any family or friends that can babysit or help out when I need it. I rarely ask my SO to help, in the year we have lived together, he has watched my DD once, I never even ask him too. Last night I needed a break, I was really stressed, My So was going over to his friends house who has a DS my DD's age and they love to play. I asked my SO if he could take my DD with him and give me a little break. He said no, said he already made plans to go over there and my DD wasn't in the plan. He said I didn't ask him soon enough and that he'd be happy to help as long as I give him enough advanced notice. He was just going over there to sit and hang out, it wouldn't have been a big deal to let the kids play. I told my SO I knew he wasn't her father but he is a parent now and that I shouldn't have to feel like a (cont)

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Asked by allfiller at 10:37 AM on Aug. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 12 (802 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • single parent anymore. I should be able to ask him for help and rely on him. He told me that I was a single parent, I got upset and said 'then I guess i'm single'. We fought, and I had an emotional breakdown. Things have been hard on me lately and I just needed a little break and some me-time. I don't understand why he wouldn't help me. Now I feel alone... we ended up breaking up last night. How would you have felt?

    Comment by allfiller (original poster) at 10:39 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • id tell him to shape up or ship out! if you do everything yourself anyways i wouldnt worry about loosing him! moms need breaks and he should be willing to help out! it is very hard to make premade families work! Good luck and i hope that he acts right soon!

    Answer by babymaddy at 10:41 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I would have felt the same way as you. He was being selfish and I'm quite sure he knew that being with you meant being with your DD as well. If he isn't willing to be there for you when you need it most, then he probably isn't a good person to begin with. Stay strong and best wishes to you and your sweet DD:)

    Answer by shanlaree at 10:42 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • You are thinking like a married lady. He's thinking like a single guy. You are on opposite ends of the spectrum and there is a great gulf in between. You have all the responsibility and he has all the freedom. Resentment is building, as it usually does. II would be taking a long hard look at this arrangement and I would be looking for ways to fix it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:42 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I would have felt disappointed that I couldn't rely on my SO. I see both sides, but I feel like a SO should be able to sense your stress and when you need help. I think he should have stepped up and helped you last night instead of being selfish. I don't see this as a matter of being a single parent or not, I think he should want to make you feel better when your down and he should help you when you need it. No, it's not his daughter, but you are his SO and you needed him and he let you down.

    Answer by kaylan010 at 10:44 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • i answered before iread the rest of your question...i would feel like crap because you spent a year of your life with him, but is till feel if he doesnt want to help then you dont need to be with him. he knew that you had a child before getting involved with you and if he didnt want the responsibility he shouldnt have gotten involved! hope you feel better soon!! look into getting to know some neighbors for sitters! we all need breaks as moms i dont care what anyone says its the hardest job there is!

    Answer by babymaddy at 10:44 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • It's REALLY hard getting used to step children. If he does not have children of his own, then he is still in the process of learning how to deal with having a young one running around, & it's a lot harder to do if it's not your child. I don't think you should have asked him & i DO think that if you want him to take your DD over there, then you should definitely plan it way ahead of time. You guys are not married yet, he is not her step father & he does not have responsibility for her. You do. He didn't help you because he did not feel comfortable. You cannot FORCE him to feel comfortable when he is not. Baby steps! Taking responsibility for a child that is not yours is HUGE & you should not expect him to do it. Had you told me you'd been married for a few years, i'd feel differently. But, a year is still new for a relationship & you should not be expecting him to take on more responsibility than he is willing to take.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:45 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • He watched once because everyone else has helped and he didn't HAVE to. No offense but somehow things turned way before. (this) he knew when and who, or how it worked our for things to turn for him, he isn't stupid but is a user. I know men are not the best option for people when little girls are factored in. But if it's something of help, did you try to get some community help. Her age to hang out with just some convenient relatives will wear thin. people are stressed every place you go. I usually try to have sleepovers once a week with our child. We switch nights . One here/one there. And we switch child's friends so it doesn't get worn out. Girl scouts , we have an upcoming event this week, just join, they will never turn down a girl recruit brownie.

    here's a list.)))
    Friends sleepovers night
    camps {still 2 weeks left}
    big sister organization,
    mentoring organization
    family services, weekly trips


    Answer by coffeeyum at 10:51 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I had the same feeling only SO was their father. I left for 8 years and when we got back together. I would not count on him and yes I know the frustration I was in a relationship and single its hard. I would pick a couple days and start to plan the me days it helps even if its just once and a while start a playgroup so your daughter will have friends and you will meet mothers to trade babysitting with. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:56 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • He's just selfish all around. You REALLY DO NEED help.
    Please look over my list ....;

    please I am urged on to urge you, look into these they ARE GOOD SOURCES. Big sister is available, if you ask. It's ok

    Answer by coffeeyum at 10:57 AM on Aug. 9, 2010

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