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2 Bumps

Motivating my almost 24 year old to move on his own has no affect whatsoever. Why?

Motivating my almost 24 year old to move on his own; while not moving out of my life has been a major stressor for me and would appreciate some help. Mind you, I love my son with all my heart and have always been there for him and my girls. The problem is, my kids are young adults and living with them has not been a picnic. I often wonder if they forgot that I'm their Mom instead of their maid, ATM machine, and someone to scream at when things don't go their way.
While I am getting older and would like to enjoy my post parenthood days before I'm blessed with potential grandchildren and/or the signs of aging lands me in a wheelchair, perhaps muscle aches, or just simply slowing down.
All of my kids and I suffer from ADHD. Mine is undercontrol with the medical help I have, however, my kids refuse this help nor can I force them because of their age. For me, I am stressed out and envy those Moms who have. Can I walk away?

Answer Question

Asked by Susanilow at 8:22 PM on Aug. 9, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • why don't you just tell them to get a job and a place of their own? they are adults now..... i know it's hard to do tough love, but in a situation like this i think it will be the best for everyone. don't you?

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 8:27 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • You don't need to walk away, just refuse to be used as a door mat anymore. Whoever is over 18 and not in school gets a written notce. In 30 days they must have a job and start paying a modest rent (we chose$200) and purchase their own food, and split utilities...or they can move out. One of those two things will happen in 30 days. Have them sign it and date it with a third party witness. Sometimes you just have to play hardball. They aren't kids. 23 is grown.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 8:27 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • When my little sister showed no signs of leaving the nest by age 21, my parents gave her a time frame to leave. They gave her one year to move out. In that time, she saved enough for a down payment on a house and when her year was up she bought a townhouse all on her own.
    I think that a move out date is a great thing for adult kids still living at home. In your situation, I would give 6 months to be out. Make it clear that on the the day...let's say Feb 10th, if they have not moved out, you will move their things onto the street corner and they will not be allowed back.
    At 24 he is plenty old enough to move out on his own.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 8:34 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • They should be paying rent, helping with expenses, and do a major portion of the chores. Your life should be pretty cushy by now with all of these adults in the house helping to support the household. If they refuse to pay or help, then help them look up some places where they will be on their own. They'll find that regardless, as adults they have to pay to play.

    Answer by Bmat at 8:36 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I wouldnt want to leave either...MAN you are giving them money and cleaning up after them...sounds like they have it made in the shade!

    You dont push them out...24 is ridiculous for you to still be giving money and cleaning up!

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 8:37 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • Cut him off of all money, stop doing his laundry and paying his bills for him. Stop letting him use the vehicals...make his life a living HELL at ur house...

    Oh and to add alittle spice, if your married/SO start having sex in the house while hes in there and be abnoviously loud...or pretend. thats fun too!

    Answer by SunShineMoMM at 8:49 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I have a 23 year old son who lives at home, he does not contribute with money and I feel blessed he is still around, he does his own laundry and cleans after himself, does the dishes once a week and is a joy to have around. I will never understand why any parent is so eager to be rid of their own flesh and blood, and before anyone says he has to be independent, he has, lived on his own for 4 years and graduated from the University cum laude, with a scholarship.
    If they treat you like a maid, ATM machine, and someone to scream at when things don't go their way, it is because you have allowed it, now you want to kick him out?

    Answer by older at 8:50 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • You need to give them a firm deadline. I moved out when I was 20, married when I was 23 and had my ds when I was 25.

    Tell them, they have until January 1st to 1) get a decent job. NOT MikeyD's or Walmart but a REAL job. 2) save enough for a deposit on an Apt and utilities 3) MOVE out. Tell them they may RENT their bedroom furniture from you for an additional 6mths while they save for furniture of their own.

    In the meantime, STOP taking care of them STOP paying their bill, cooking for them, cleaning for them, doing laundry....they are not children

    Answer by Maureen-MD at 8:51 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • I've tried all of the above and we live in a small apartment due to my husband simply not coming home one day. I was totally shocked and was forced to maintain an entire household alone. Time tables, contracts, and demands go in one ear and out the other. They do help with rent and utilities but chores are left for me. Granted, stop doing the chores but if I did, 'my' place would look like a war zone before long and something, I simply can not live with. Being an apartment and my attempt to move them out has me asking myself, why I shouldn't move out and let them take over the rent & expenses.

    Comment by Susanilow (original poster) at 8:52 PM on Aug. 9, 2010

  • can walk away, BUT remember that YOUR credit rating will hit the tank if they don't pay the rent and expenses.

    Stop doing their chores, stop giving them money, stop doing all the things that they are capable of doing. They are adults - set the down with a written "contract" saying that they DO this and that OR they leave and if necessary legally evict them.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:22 AM on Aug. 10, 2010

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