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How can I help my insecure 16 yo daughter in her first real relationship?

She is in love with her boyfriend and he loves her. The problem is when he says something or looks at another girl, she goes ballistic. Today he took a facebook quiz and the question was "would you choose your buddies over your girl?" He chose the answer "Bros before Hos." She freaked. She called him crying her eyes out. She is so needy of his attention constant confirmation of his love that he told her a few weeks ago that he "needed some space, but he still loved her." Her boyfriend has so much drama at home - his dad just lost his job and things are tense there, so I have told her to dial it down a bit. Instead, she dialed it way up. I don't want him to break up with her because I know what it would do to her, but she has behaved the same in other relationships and she has gotten dumped both times. She is smart, pretty, talented, but insecure in her relationships. DH and I want to help her but don't know how.

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neebug3766

Asked by neebug3766 at 10:37 PM on Aug. 10, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 17 (4,587 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Her first boyfriend cheated on her and broke up with her for the other girl, so I think that is where her insecurity is coming from, but she was pretty intense with him about other girls before he did that. I think she's so afraid she is going to get dumped again that she needs constant reassurance. Dh and i have been happily married for 20+ years, so I don't think it is a parental issue.
    neebug3766

    Comment by neebug3766 (original poster) at 10:41 PM on Aug. 10, 2010

  • You need to work on who she wants to be as a person, apart from any guy. As long as her identification is tied up in anyone other than in herself, she is going to be in big trouble. I would encourage her to dump this guy before he has the chance to dump her. I would then spend every waking moment talking to her about the importance of getting a good education and learning how to do something with her life for herself. Then she will be ready for a relationship. Now she is not. Only whole people need to start looking for a mate, and your daughter is not there yet.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:44 PM on Aug. 10, 2010

  • I agree that she is not yet mature enough to handle a mature relationship. Still, I cannot keep her from falling in love. Dh and I plan to do things with her that she enjoys (riding her horse, painting, etc.) to help her develop her own sense of self. Her bf honestly does love her, but she just cannot handle any hint that he does not love her. I don't want her to get to the point of obsession, but I fear that she is headed in that direction.
    neebug3766

    Comment by neebug3766 (original poster) at 10:51 PM on Aug. 10, 2010

  • Unfortunately I don't have daughters only boys who don't wish to date until they are ready to look for a wife (according to them). However i was similiar to your daughter, and my issue was insecurity and lack of self esteem I was constantly seeking out someone to love me, and I was obsessive if they didn't. I agree with NannyB, while you can't keep her from falling in love, nor can you keep her from getting her heart broken, you can help her to learn that her self worth and identity are seperate from having a boy in her life. Continue to talk with her about the importance of her education and her future and the things that she enjoys and how obsessing can put those things at risk. Good luck, I have to admit I'm glad that I don't have girls, my boys are just obsessed with sports even at 15 I haven't had to deal with heart break yet.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 2:09 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I would strongly encouarge her to not worry about guys and just work on being a teenager and all the exciting decisions she will have to make. My daughter wasted a lot of years on a high school boyfriend and now has decided during her Senior year that she is not going to date at all but instead just enjoy her friends and make college decisions. My duaghter has read and loved the book Dateable - Am I ? Is He? and she loved it. Good luck!
    msmaddox

    Answer by msmaddox at 5:06 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Wow, NannyB I for once completely agree with you. Your advice is spot on.

    jspy72

    Answer by jspy72 at 11:42 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

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