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How to tell your friend without hurting her feelings?

I have a friend who has TERRIBLE luck with men. She just throws herself at one after another, and never finds one that wants to be with her. She makes all the classic mistakes. Stalking him, not taking no for an answer, etc. Now I know the reason this is happening, she is about 60 Lbs over weight. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Men, especially in their early 20's, want to be with someone in shape and healthy. It just pains me to act like I don't know why she isn't having any luck. She tells me she met a new guy and she "just knows" he is interested in her even though she has asked him on a date and he says "okay, but just as friends". She thinks the mere fact that he is talking to her is enough to prove he wants to be with her. If he wanted to be with her, he would! She still insists that he is for some odd reason playing hard to get, but really wants her. How do I tell her nicely that she needs to move on?

 
pixiestix21

Asked by pixiestix21 at 9:42 AM on Aug. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Level 11 (585 Credits)
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Answers (14)
  • You can get a good man at any weight. Trust me ;) Seems to me that the problem is that she is throwing herself at men that aren't attracted to her not to mention desperation is absolutely the worst deterrent of men. There is a book called The Rules. It's basically a manual on how not to be a clingy, desperate female with low self esteem. Even with an extra 60 pounds, the woman who acts like (or better yet, actually IS) a Lady, is cool and confident will snag the man of her dreams. On the other hand, she also needs to understand that if she wants men to look beyond the extra curves, she will have to be willing to look beyond as well :) Lots...probably MOST good men are not Brad Pitt look-alikes.
    TessaBianca

    Answer by TessaBianca at 3:41 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It doesn't have to be because of her weight and I wouldn't go in with that.
    I would definately talk to her about her bad habits though. Someone needs to intervene, she's headed down a horrible path.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:59 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Oh wow!!!! Sounds like she needs some counseling... sad but true there is a reason behind her throwing herself at men that don't want her, she truly believes that these men want her, i bet she sleeps with em too and that is one reason why they kick her to the curb.. Maybe you should leave out the lose weight part but be very blunt as they have said above just explain how you see things going down, your from the outside looking in... It's better a good friend tells her before some dude lets her have it and she becomes even more damaged.. True friends can be bluntly honest... Would you want to see her worse off in years from now or see her in a healthy relationship of some sort?
    BobbieJo286

    Answer by BobbieJo286 at 10:02 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I think that you can tell her that she needs to focus on herself before she needs to get hooked up to a man! Being straight forward is the best thing in a friendship, you don't have to tell her she is overweight, but tell her most people don't play hard to get and she is being a little stalkerish! She probably has low self esteem, and doesn't need to hear that losi g weight would help her, beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
    koltensmom

    Answer by koltensmom at 10:02 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Honestly. It's kind of like a friend saying "does this skirt make my ass look fat?" If it does, a true friend will tell you YES.
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 10:12 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • You know, her luck with men may have more to do with the stalking and not taking no for an answer moreso than her weight. There are guys that wouldn't be attracted to her because of that, but I guarantee you that there are good guys that would. Has she tried e-Harmony, or a similar dating site?
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 10:22 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It may not have a thing to do with her weight. I would tell her that she needs to work on being happy with herself and who she is as a person. That will make her more confident and self-assured and those are the kind of women that real men who are looking for wives are really interested in. I would tell her that the kind she can attract with flirtatious actions and good looks are the kind that will always be looking for the next more exciting gal. You have the perfect opportunity to talk to her about the things that really matter in committed relationships, and it really has nothing to do with looks at all.

    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:23 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • There is no nice way of doing this, you got to be blunt and tell her what you think is happening, and that she should loose some weight to feel better about herself, and that you can help her with it.
    older

    Answer by older at 9:45 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I don't feel comfortable telling her to lose weight. I wouldn't say her and I were really close, but just good friends. I talk with her maybe once a week or so. We live in different countries so I never see her. I feel terrible for her though, she is a great person.
    pixiestix21

    Comment by pixiestix21 (original poster) at 9:49 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Well, there is the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You.'

    Otherwise, it would be more helpful to say positive, kind and supportive things about her, rather than acting as if you think she's right for 11 years and then telling her what's wrong with her and her methods.

    Imagine being in her position, for a moment. All along you've listened and said nothing (which she'll have heard as agreement and support) or said mildly agreeable things... and then suddenly out of nowhere, you start being critical and harsh. What changed?

    I often advise that people never put up with anything for 17 seconds that they are not fully prepared to put up with for 17 years, because to suddenly have 'had enough' out of nowhere is disorienting for people, and they often experience it as disloyalty.

    Well, that and stop her from talking about what 'he wants' unless she can demonstrate his agreement with her --if he didn't say it, it's probably not his.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 9:53 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

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