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Feeling a little unsure today...

I am getting married to my son's father and also my boyfriend of 7 years (on and off), in June of next year. We have our good days and bad days, and I really DO want to make this work...for our son at least. But it seems like whenever I see and x boyfriend, have a dream about someone, or things like that...I get unsure if I want to marry him. I had a boyfriend 3 years ago (we were together for 2 years) who cheated on me and did a lot of shady things, which is ultimately how I ended up back with my fiance. Well I haven't seen this x in a long time, until recently when I saw him ALOT because of a tragedy in our mutual friend's family. Now I am thinking about him a lot and feel like I want to talk to him. I had a dream about him last night that isn't helping me today either. I also am recently wondering about other people I've dated and lost touch with, just wanting to catch up. I also kind of feel like I want to "be" with cont..

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:48 AM on Aug. 11, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • IF I were you..

    I would call off the marriage. And end the engagement now.

    First reason, marry someone for the sake of someone else (even children) is a mistake brewing. Marriage should be because of love, wanting to be together, wanting to share a life with one another. Not about trying to make the best of out of a bad situation for someone else (even our children). I could not marry for someone else's interest, only my own.

    Second. Being so unsure of feelings and not sure about my reasons for actually entering the marriage, would be a big red flag for me.

    My personal experience has shown me this: If I'm wondering about other people, questioning "what if's" etc. That means that I'm not happy, satisfied or fulfilled in my present relationship for some reason. The for me, has been figuring out that key reason(s) adn trying to work them out. If unable to work them out, I end the relationship.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:10 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Marriage is probably not the best option for you right now. If you aren't 100% sure about marrying him, it will only get worse once you are married. Maybe you need to take a step back from this relationship and get yourself to the place you need to be. Good luck:)
    shanlaree

    Answer by shanlaree at 11:52 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Call off the engagement. You are not ready to be married to anyone! I would further advise that you stop having contact with any of them until you figure out what you want in a husband. There's way too much indecision in you for you to ever be satisfied with anyone. You first must learn to be happy all by yourself before you will ever be happy with anyone else.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:53 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It sounds like you are NOT ready to be married to this guy. If you are wanting to have sex with others before you settle down, then you aren't truely committed to this man regardless of the 'feelings' you are having about an ex.

    I also don't thing that "I really DO want to make this work...for our son at least." is a good reason to get married. The marriage has to be about the 2 of you...if you 2 get along well, it will benefit your son. Marriage has to be about the people getting married first and the children second.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:54 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • just 1 more person before we get married ( if you know what I mean.) I don't know why I feel like this sometimes. Some days everything is good, and other days I just keep wondering about other people.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:50 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Don't get married if you are having any doubts (unless it's just cold feet, and many brides-to-be get that). If you are honestly thinking about hooking up with other people, you have to be honest with your fiance and let him know that you aren't ready to be exclusive and getting married. If it was meant to be, you'll both be single again in the future and you can try again then. But do know that if you do break up with him for this reason, he may not want you back later on. It is a choice you have to make. Good luck mama, I hope you find what you are looking for.
    kathria

    Answer by kathria at 11:55 AM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I completely understand where you're at. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not mature enough to get married. You won't be happy if you get married now and will constantly be looking for a way out instead of focusing on how wonderful it is. There's no reason to get married if you aren't sure. Just let him know that you want to wait so that you can be the best wife you can be. I recommend marriage or premarriage counseling. A lot of churches have this for free. Marriage is not something to be forced into and feel like you have to do. It has to be a decision you both make because you want to proclaim your love to God, friends, and family. You have something lacking in your life but you won't find it anywhere but inside yourself. Love yourself before you swear to love another for the rest of this life.
    Cassarah

    Answer by Cassarah at 12:03 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It sounds to me like you're having a very rational response to the reality of real love.

    Real love is terrifying, and for good reason. It takes courage (which is not a lack of fear) to walk the path of real love --it means being open and vulnerable, essentially giving someone else the keys to your own destruction. It means really caring if that person is happy, rather than only caring if you are, which is hard enough, but more than that it means knowing in advance that unless a miracle occurs and you die first, their death will crush you.

    It's tempting to wreck it, before it wrecks you. It's a great idea to sabbotage that before you're ruined. It's cowardly, but super-popular.

    Oh, and in case you're hoping for courses or a miracle to occur or something, the only way to learn how to really love someone is to brave it. So, you'll be ready to marry when you really do it.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:08 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I feel the same way at times... But for you, you need to figure out what it is you like or don't like about being with your fiance. You having feeling or thinking about other people is an indication that you want something more. Your satisfied with what you got you want something more, and that's fine as long as your honest with yourself and your fiance before it's to late. You need to do what is going to make you happy and in return make your son happy. Good luck and think positive :)
    inezmm2000

    Answer by inezmm2000 at 12:12 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • sounds like the bottom line is you are not ready to get married. you are looking for reasons to mess it up, even though you know that your ex is an ex for a reason, etc. every relationship goes through ups and downs. running away into a little fantasy world doesn't do anything except create more problems. if you are getting married solely because you think it's the right thing to do for your son, you need to rethink that - it's not fair to anyone involved. it is natural to get nervous about making a huge commitment like that, but if you're not ready, you're not ready, and that's okay, but you need to be honest about it. however, i would strongly advise against pursuing other relationships if you want anything to have a chance in the future. you ended your previous relationship because the guy cheated - why would you expect any different from your fiance?
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:03 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

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