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How do you regain trust in your child?

My daughter, we found out recently, lied to us about something very important and has been doing so for a few months now. After a heated confrontation she acknowledged the true. Although my daughter is 19 going on twenty and has the right to live her own life she is still my baby and finding out that she lied to me has broken my heart. How do I go about regaining my trust in her. Don't get me wrong my love for her has in no way lessened but my trust......

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debnich501960

Asked by debnich501960 at 12:06 PM on Aug. 11, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 12 (861 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • There are no short-cuts. She will have to re-earn your trust in her, and that's exactly what you should tell her. Is she sorry for what she's done? If she's not, there's no need to even worry about trusting her again. Unless she realizes the seriousness of what she's done, it's a moot point, because she doesn't care that you don't trust her.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:09 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Just like anyone else. She has to earn trust again.

    For me personally. Whether I lost truth (or faith) in my son would really depend on : what he lied to me about, and why he chose to lie instead of being honest... Since he is an adult, it is his life to live, his choices to make..etc.. I may not agree with everything he does, but losing faith in him would take a pretty big thing happening.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:13 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I agree with NannyB. trust is something you have to earn. My kids are 18, 21 & 27, and I know exactly what you mean. We had trust issues with one, and he continued to break our trust repeatedly, and to this day I feel terrible, but don't trust him. On the other hand, one of them broke our trust a few years back, and seemed to really learn from the situation, and as far as I know he's never lied or done what he lied about again, and I do trust him again.

    I think the ages from 17 to the early 20's, are the hardest of all. You have to let them be adults.......they still are learning how to be an adult (I don't think we ever stop learning that lesson) if they live at home, they still have to follow our rules and respect our home, and yet, we still have to let go. It's a very challenging time, but hopefully in the long run rewarding.

    Good luck while you go through this time......I'm right there with you!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:16 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • We all make mistakes in judgement, even old wise people who know better, forgive and monitor her for any more half truths.  She is now an adult and not obligated to confess to you her every move, she might have her reasons for not telling the truth.

    older

    Answer by older at 2:33 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It takes time. End of story.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 3:16 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • They have to earn it back...it will be a while. One of those tough life lessons.
    lizard111

    Answer by lizard111 at 11:24 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Ask her why she felt the need to lie to you.It's all about communication.
    bvannkissy

    Answer by bvannkissy at 2:58 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • It depends on what she was lying about. You don't say in your question so please excuse any assumptions on my part.

    If she was hiding something from you because she feared YOUR judgement, then you might need to think about your own views and how you can earn HER trust. If she was affraid to tell you something about her life (living with boyfriend, quit college, gay, got tatoo, preggy, crash car) or something else related to HER life then you need to figure out how you can treat her as an adult and let her know that even if you do not agree 100% with things that she does, you are willing to listen and help her think through big decisions. Let her know that you love and support her and any toughness on your side is only because you want the best, easiest life for her.

    If she lied about something to decieve you or with malicious intent, then I agree with the other that she will need to work to earn your trust back.
    Niki_sd

    Answer by Niki_sd at 4:40 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • I agree with Niki sd, it would all depend on the lie and WHY she felt she needed to not tell me the truth.
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 3:57 AM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • I for one think that if you dont clean the slate with her about this lie you will never trust her again. TIme heals all wounds and mature is another. Unless this is about drugs, everything else shall pass. Dont lose faith in your parenting her during the last 19 years...
    Rosivick

    Answer by Rosivick at 9:50 PM on Aug. 13, 2010

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