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is this wrong of me?

my husband and I have been having some issues lately. such as he has been looking at porn A LOT and going on adult dating sites talking to girls about hooking up. I know this will not prevent him from cheating on me if that is his intention. I activated the Parental Controls on our computer so neither he or I can look at any adult or mature content. That makes it fair. Also I am throwing away all of our adult movies we have bought and all dirty magazines. Is this wrong of me and am I treating him like a child? I just don't want it in my home anymore. I do no want our boys seeing this our thinking this is the right way to treat women. any input? please no bashing. I don't believe in divorce unless completely necessary and as for now this is something that can be worked on and fixed.

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travisnowensmom

Asked by travisnowensmom at 12:13 PM on Aug. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,379 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I would sit down and talk to him and find out why he is doing this. It's ok to enjoy porn together. I don't understand why he would be looking at dating sites though. If he asks why you did that to the computer, I would just say that once you start using porn sites, computers get viruses, or even worse, a porn site might pop up when the kids are using it. I would talk to him and maybe consider counseling.
    JGRIMMER

    Answer by JGRIMMER at 12:17 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • Right or wrong. Only the two of you can decide that.

    If these actions are something that you both have mutually agreed to.. Then maybe there's a chance it can help your relationship in some way.

    If these actions aren't something that both of you have mutually agreed to.. Then maybe there's a chance that these actions will make frictions/issues in your marriage worse.

    It all depends on the two of you. Your communication levels. And . His reasons for watching porn and cruising adult websites. And if he really and truly wants to stop doing those things or not. There is a possibility that his doing this things is a symptom of/reaction to issues that are going on in your relationship. Doesn't make it right or justified by any means. But if that is the case, then those core reasons need to be addressed and rectified in order for the symptoms/reactions to go away for good.

    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:19 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • It's not wrong if you have BOTH decided that you want the parental controls activated, and don't want porn in your home. If this is something you did on your own, I could imagine him being pretty angry; not necessarily because he wants it, but because you are treating him like a child. This situation can only be worked on and fixed if he wants to change things as much as you do, if that makes sense?
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 12:21 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • You are not going to solve anything by taking away the porn stash, or putting the parental controls on the computer. And why would it be horrible for your children to see that you guys have an active sex life by finding out you have porn? I mean, I understand not wanting them to find it and watching it, or finding it at too young of an age, but honestly, I know my dad watched porn, at least, and it didn't bother me. He's a man, and many men like porn. If watching porn keeps him happy, i say let it be.

    However, on the concept that he is on dating sites, that's the real issue. He should not be doing this and the fact that he is should be a cry for help. He obviously has an addiction and should talk to someone about it. He should not be thinking about hooking up with someone else while married. I'd recommend he see a sex therapist as soon as possible. There might be underlying reasons to why he did that. Good luck.
    kathria

    Answer by kathria at 12:21 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • i want to start going to church. We have sat down and talked about it and he keeps doing it. I even told him I would be looking at the history everyday lol. Maybe he just doesnt care? He tells me he loves and can be the sweetest guy on most days. I know when he asks I'm just going to tell him the truth, because I don't want it in my house anymore. I'm done with it. If he wants to see a naked girl I'm right here lol. Even though I am 9 months preggo and don't look my best. I do love him very much, I layed and cried in bed last night just looking at him because I am in love with him. He's my best friend. I just don't understand it. I don't want to argue because we do have our son at home. I was thinking tonight we have to go to court for a speeding ticket I got and my inlaws will have our son. Maybe we will go park somewhere and just talk.
    travisnowensmom

    Comment by travisnowensmom (original poster) at 12:21 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • I hate to tell you this hunny but for one if he is looking at dating sites and talking to people about hooking up you need to get rid of his sorry ass. That's just fucked up. That IS cheating right there!
    Secondly, if you have condoned it in the past he will not see why you now think it is not okay.
    If you have discussed not wanting it in the home then I don't see a problem with using the parental controls.
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 12:28 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • As far as the parental controls on the computer and removing all porn from the home so that your children won't have access to it..I think thats a great idea.
    As far as limiting or prohibiting any and all access to porn to your husband...as long as it is something he has agreed to, I think thats fine. But if he doesnt fully agree with it..then he can go anywhere to find what he is looking for, it doesnt just have to be from home.If it is a true addiction...where there is will, there is a way.Just remember that.
    I'm glad you guys are working on your marriage..and I really hope that it works out. The best of luck to you.
    kimberlyinberea

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 12:42 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • all you have done is give him a little incentive to get more creative about hiding his tracks. this doesn't change the fact that he is disrespectful of you and looking to cheat on you at a time when you are most vulnerable and he should be more concerned with getting ready for the baby. church isn't going to solve your problems either... in fact, alot of the thumpers on this site tend to recommend turning a blind eye and forgiving their husbands' transgressions and disrespect since that is what their role as the little woman is defined as in the bible. treating him like a child will only continue childlike behavior. expect him to be a man and to be your husband and lay down the law about what is and is not acceptable in your marriage.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 12:58 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • This is the way I see it .. If an adult is acting like a child then they get treated like a child. Period.
    I think that it is a step in the right direction, but a previous post may be right. That you're just giving him more incentive to cover his tracks better. He clearly is looking for some tail on those dating sites, so is it really best to just push him into sneaking around? I think that you need to sit down with him and talk to him about his actions. See what his intentions are and why he's been talking to other women about hooking up. This isn't just a matter of throwing out the porn, this is about your husband emotionall cheating on you with intention of physically cheating.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 1:07 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

  • i know this maybe odd but I have talked to his mother about this. His mother was beaten my her husband and treated like shit. She doesnt understand why he would stoop to his level. I think instead of just me & him sitting down I am going to have some type of intervention with her, me & him. She supports me. and if more people are in the picture he is less likely to lie and make excuses. Idk this is just ridiculous. I am currently looking into welfare options and such just in case I decide to divorce him. I don't deserve this and can't take it anymore
    travisnowensmom

    Comment by travisnowensmom (original poster) at 1:17 PM on Aug. 11, 2010

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