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How to deal?

My BF of 7 yrs was abused as a child in more ways than you can imagine. Molested by and one in the family knows. He was forced to sleep in an attic as a child, sweltering heat and ice on the ceiling in winter. On the floor because you could not stand up anyway without hitting your head. He was left in the car in the parking garage of the hospital at 2 with his then 5 yr old sis while the parents were in hospital having the next one for about 8 hours. He has been beaten. Gone hungry(sent to school with no lunch) wearing the same dirty sox from the week before. Due to these last things was basically a social outcast. No friends allowed to come over, no sports, nothing associated with normal childhood. He is such a mess it is a wonder to me he functions at all. He is afraid to seek help because he says if they find out what is in his head they will lock him up. How do I help him?


Asked by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Oct. 6, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I would just stand by him and help support him. You can not force him to get help or to talk about the things that happened to him. He may want to seek help in the future. If you are in a happy relationship and things are going well then I would just support him until the time comes when he is ready to get help.

    Good Luck

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 3:34 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • well, i wouldnt be having kids with him anytime soon if HE thinks hes that unstable.. yikes. sorry..

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:41 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • sometimes people that were abused tend to abuse later in life also. make sure thats not how he is. if he shows signs of this get out fast! If not he needs to get counseling cause these memories will haunt him and determine the way he is as a parent himself. they wont lock him up cause its confidential unless hes a danger to himself or someone else. is he comfortable talking with a pastor or someone religious? if so call someone up and mabey they can help. be careful cause i know someone that was w a guy with that kind of abuse to and he ended up being a real mental and physical abuser himself cause thats what he knew.

    Answer by marykaysauer at 3:49 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • You cannot help someone that does not want to help themselves. You can offer your support to him but other than that, there's pretty much nothing else that you can do. He's refusing treatment and making excuses...he needs help to deal with the issues of the past. Sooner or later those skeletons will begin creepin out the closet...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 3:50 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • Encourage him that he really needs help to deal with all that has happened to him. Reassure him that you will go with him or do whatever he needs you to do to support him. Tell him that you think his fears about being locked up are unfounded. You can also tell him that until he deals with his past, he is not likely to have much of a future. You can't force him to do anything, but you can be supportive.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:09 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • Honestly you got some good answers. There is not much you can do but help him by being there. Just let him know when he is ready to seek help that you are there. Having a bad life is hard and the mind lets us forget things. There is alot of things that may have happen to him that he does not even know. I know for experince what it is like to live in a house with some that abuses you and having some one close that thought of you as their sex toy. It is hard on some one but when I got help I did not realize how much I was getting hurt and forgot. Just remember he tells him self that it was his fault when he was a child. Now that he is adult and hears how it is not. Not easy to realize that it is not his fault. We as children blame our selves for our parents and family mistakes. Just give him all the love that you been doing and be there for him. I will have your family in my prayers.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:21 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • dont let anyone tell you he will be an abuser because he was abused!!!!! That is just bullshit. If you love this man then stand by him. Let him know that you love him and that you will be there for him. Make sure he knows that you will support him in seeking help. Also tell him that they are not going to lock him up because of what happend or how he feels about it.

    Answer by lovemybabys1106 at 4:24 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • my mother had a terrible life as well. she got her hands tied behind her back and was forced to eat out of a slup bucket like a pig and was called a pig and a louse. she was touched and abused as well and her mother had lots of men around all the time.bunch of drunks as well as my grandmother. she was sent away and no one ever visited her for the months she was stuck there. they went to bed at 5-6 when it was light out and had no friends. she has turned out alright but i think she is that type of person. you should try to convince him to get therapy. i don't believe that they would lock him up. they are to keep everything secret. it's normal to hate and want to kill someone for hurting you. i agree not all people who are abused abuse people. my mother never abused us. she raise 8 of us all on her own. she is a mother to be proud of. which i am.

    Answer by melody77 at 4:35 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • You can love him and support him, but he has to WANT help. He has to find a way to let go of the fear, and get the help he needs. Let him know that what happened to him was NOT his fault, and if he will allow it, have other people let him know this as well, such as your family doctor. Tell him you love him and will be there for him every step of the way, but if you're going to raise a family together you need for him to get the help he so desperately needs so that your children don't have the kind of upbringing that he had. They won't lock him up unless he shows signs of being a danger to himself or others, and it doesn't sound like he is, or you wouldn't be there, right?

    Answer by jespeach at 5:06 PM on Oct. 6, 2008

  • cont..

    My husband, and his brother, amaze me. They were both abused, in different ways. With my husband, she was violent and vicious and outwardly cruel. With his brother, she was manipulative to the extreme, laying on such guilt trips that it took him until he was 24 to stand up to her at all. She would force them to steal for her, beating them if they got caught. She would leave them home from 5pm til morning, and beat DH if they ate any of the food in the house. She tore the cord off the coffee maker and whipped him with it. But her specialty was manipulation. She would make both of them feel like awful sons, awful people. She could..cont..

    Answer by jespeach at 5:10 PM on Oct. 6, 2008