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When Do I Tell My Son That His Daddy Isnt His biological father

My son Just turned five.. he has an amazing relationship with my fiance of 3 and a half years.. he has known my son since he was one.. since he was two we have always been a family... his real dad hasnt been in his life AT ALL since he was one.. but i dont want to lie to my son and have him resent us or anything like that in the future.. i know he is kinda too young to understand the whole biological crap.. so how do i tell him.. so he doesnt feel weird or hurt or anything negative.. im really lost on this one..

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SammiGirl07

Asked by SammiGirl07 at 9:04 PM on Aug. 12, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 13 (980 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • wait until he can fully understand the whole thing and know that his real dad isn't his "daddy" but your fiance, while not being his bio dad, is his "daddy"
    nickellmomof2

    Answer by nickellmomof2 at 9:07 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • well i had to kinda tell my DD that, her bio dad only comes around like once a year and her "dad" has been there for her since she was 2. but she kept asking why we all had the same last name and she didnt, so i told her that the man she calls her "friend" also has that name and she got it from him. for now she hasnt asked anything else,
    secondtyme520

    Answer by secondtyme520 at 9:09 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • I would wait until he is older and can understand better. At five he cannot really understand the concept of it and if you tell him now, it may affect their relationship negatively. I would leave things the way they are now and tell him when he can fully undersatnd.
    hsmominky

    Answer by hsmominky at 9:11 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • What an AWESOME husband to be you have. This man has done another mans job, so HE has earned the title DADDY in my eyes. You are truly blessed just as my mom was. Not a day goes by that I think he is my step dad, he is just my dad and I am so lucky. I would tell your soon when he can understand. My dad came into our life when my sister and I were 1 and 2 years of age. Congrats!!
    sta517

    Answer by sta517 at 9:19 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • He should have always been told. He should never have been allowed to call your man daddy. I hope it doesn't come back to hurt you.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 9:21 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • honestly, it should have been talked about all along. he should have never been under the impression that your current DH is his bio dad. my dd is 10 years old and she has always know ( through talking about our family/relatives and history ) that she has another dad. she calls my husband dad and her bio dad by his first name because he is never there. the longer you wait - the worse it will be. kids don't like to be lied to or things hidden from them. they are very smart !
    heather_kygirl

    Answer by heather_kygirl at 9:23 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • you're lucky, you could say he is your daddy, but not your father. something like that. he might understand. i wouldn't try to keep it a secret bc you wouldn't want someone else to tell him about it. that would be something that he would resent for sure. you're doing the right thing by letting him know early on, kids are smarter and understand a lot more than what people think. he may already know and you just didn't know he knew. i am sure he will one day understand how lucky he was to have his daddy when growing up. and prepare your hubby for the 'you're not my dad' stuff, bc it's sure to come out in the teen years lol.
    angevil53

    Answer by angevil53 at 9:24 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • He should know now.

    I've met a handful of people who were raised to believe that 'dad' was their biological father... and found out (told by parents, outed by neighbours, family or other friends, or discovered the paperwork themselves) between 11 and 60.

    The results of 'finding out' that your parents have lied to you (yes, actually, it is a lie --and an intentional, conscious one, just as you are demonstrating via this question) for a decade or 6 is deeply disorienting. It calls into question EVERYTHING else they've ever said. Some kids (even at 42) go nuts. Some get drunk and stay that way. Some stop talking to their parents permanently.

    Why doesn't he already know that his father is somewhere else, and the simple story of how you met this guy? ... you know you've been evasive. You are living in an honesty gap. What is your opinion of lying when your son does it? Who gets to punish you for it?
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 9:35 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • at the age of 5, he will not get what you mean by biological father, if you tell him now you will more than likely just confuse him. when he is old enough to understand he will understand why he didn't know sooner. if you tell him now, you risk ruining their relationship.
    nickellmomof2

    Answer by nickellmomof2 at 9:45 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

  • I was wondering this myself. I am in a bit of a different situation though. My ds father is unknown. I have an idea, but I am not totally sure. He has my last name and my husband is his father in every way that counts. Ethan is 8 now and I know I need to talk to him, but how do you tell your 8 year old you are not sure who his bio father is? I think in your case I would sit down and talk with him now if you think he would be able to understand it. I need to do it with my son too. I think I will do it by next wkend.
    chrissi0103

    Answer by chrissi0103 at 9:48 PM on Aug. 12, 2010

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