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OA Mommas: What if the sibling was a bad example?

For you open adoption mommas. I am all for open adoption for my daughter with her birthmother. The problem is with the birthmother's older son. The son is 4 years older than my oldest and is mean. He is rude. He will push, shove, hit, use foul language, be disrespectful to adults, is angry and I just don't want him around my children. I am feeling very torn about this because I don't want to hurt my daughter's birthmother. I want to invite birthmother over for my daughter's birthday party next month, but she is going to want to bring her son. How do I have an open adoption with the birthmother and yet close out the son? My main job is to protect my children, and I will do so at all costs.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:29 PM on Aug. 13, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (9)
  • maybe you should just be honest and talk to the BM about how her son acts
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 1:32 PM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • I'm in agreement with PURPULbutterfly2...talk to her about your concerns. I'm sure she realizes how he acts and maybe is just hoping that other people just don't notice it (which was the case of a friend of mine whose daughter is this same way).
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 4:07 PM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • I agree with Purpul. Ultimately, the relationship between your DD & her birth mom is the reason for the OA. Of course you want to include her other children & this must tear you up to be thinking of excluding him from the party. Honestly, it would be awkward to exclude him, as she will likely feel "alone" without him there. But I WOULD try to talk to her & see if you both could find a peaceable solution. Is he acting out because your DD is the (perceived by him) favorite child? She is special & getting a party and he's jealous? Or is he acting out on your kids because THEY have a relationship with "HIS" sister & he is jealous of them? Does he have an illness (ADHD, ODD, etc.)? Could anyone in your family act as a "referee" for him that day? Giving him attention and keeping him pre-occupied so as to not get into trouble??? Preferably a male. Maybe your DH? Brother? I'd do everything NOT to make her choose between the kids.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:09 PM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • My DD's bio brother is 5 years older, and if he was not her brother, I would not allow her to be around him. We love him very much, but there are some behavioral and social issues. He has Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD, so as you might expect, he is kind of in his own world and just zones out on his video games. He screams and goes into a rage if anyone tries to take his games away or interrrupts him to get him to visit while we are there. He uses language that we do not use in our family, and he is a very angry little guy because of all he has been through (passed back and forth between family members, and his dad doesn't have time for him). None of this is his fault, but it makes it difficult to visit with him.

    We do always include him because he is her brother. My DH has a younger sister that he never met until he was in his 40s, and we think they'd be closer if they'd had a chance to know each other growing up.

    GL!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 8:09 PM on Aug. 13, 2010

  • It's not often that anyone here agrees with purplebutterfly but in this case....


    Talk to birth mom. She may talk to her son and make him behave, she may leave him with a sitter, she may say screw you love me love my son. I'm hoping for the former. But do ask yourself this, if it were your sister or SIL and the offending child was your childs cousin instead of brother what would you do then? Maybe that would be an honest guide for youself to figure out what to do.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:49 AM on Aug. 14, 2010

  • I agree with talking with the bmom about your concerns about her son and see if she can take some steps to have him behave and if that is not possible leave him home for now.

    confused969

    Answer by confused969 at 11:29 AM on Aug. 14, 2010

  • Purpul, You have arrived!

    Iamgrateful-The lengths that you go to in order to have your DD know her birth family & extended birth family never cease to amaze me! With so many reasons that "others" use to close adoptions, you just pick up your shovel and start digging a new tunnel. Whatever it takes. I am very proud to have you as my friend. I SINCERELY mean that!

    OTT-Good example of the cousins. The old saying, "There's ONE in every family, and TWO in mine!" (LOL!) applies sometimes. Your example gives PERSPECTIVE. Thanks!

    Anon OP-Good luck and I hope the birthday party is a huge success!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:56 PM on Aug. 14, 2010

  • i agree with first
    san78

    Answer by san78 at 6:29 AM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • You just gonna have to tell her. There's no way around it.gl
    mekarevell

    Answer by mekarevell at 2:33 PM on Aug. 27, 2010

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