Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Are all birth moms hostile to APs?

I just saw some posts where a birth mom tore an AP a new one. Another birth mom said that she was in the "anger phase" of her grief. Do all birth moms go through a time of hostility toward APs?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 PM on Aug. 15, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (39)
  • This is a very small sub section of people answering how they personally feel. Do you know many birth mothers outside of this forum? I know several and not one of them is angry or upset about their decision to place. In fact, they are all pro adoption. When I was going through the adoption process several women approached me to tell me their personal story. What you have to keep in mind is when you see a post on a computer you don't know who is talking. Many people who are not well post on line. There are several women on here I have come to respect and don't get the red flag vibes about. There are others who post where the big huge red flags come blazing with each post. So weed out the stuff that doesn't really ring true for you and toss the rest. It can get heated and even with the regular posters I do like - we don't always agree. The only irksome thing is when birthmothers pick on other birthmothers

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:57 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Was this debate in the birthmoms group? I didn't see it here. Please forgive me for sharing my opinion of what has been going on there (which I've heard through the grapevine). I feel that the birthmoms groups exists for birthmoms. It should be a place where they can vent, rage, whatever they need to do to cope with whatever they are feeling on any given day. They should feel like it is a safe place for them to talk about things that nobody else understands. I have heard that the group is not that for them right now.

    I think it is extremely gracious that the moderators are allowing people other than bmoms and EWCA to be a part of the group. I am concerned that this open door policy may be causing problems for the very people who are supposed to be served by the group.

    I've seen people bring things to this forum from the group (not that you are, OP). I'll get off my soap box now. Good night, ladies!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:18 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • What makes me angry is for people to say "THEY" as though we are all the same. There is no "THEY"! All birth moms are not the same, nor are all adoptive moms. It is silly to assume that is the case. NO, all birth mothers do not go through a period of hostility towards aparents. However, those who do often have some valid reasons for their feelings.

    I have no negative feelings towards my son's adoptive mom. But, she has not given me any reason to dislike or resent her. Nor have I given her any reason to dislike me.

    However, I do get angry sometimes at aparents who are closed minded and ignorant about the possible effects of adoption for birth parents and adoptees. And, I dislike amoms who feel entitled to a child, and have superiority complexes. But, I love those adoptive moms who educate themselves, honor their open adoption agreements, etc.


    Answer by Southernroots at 4:29 PM on Aug. 19, 2010

  • Hmmm...I feel anger but no anger towards Chloe's aparents( I think they are wonderful, amazing people, who so deserved a child) I feel anger with myself. In the end it was my decision so why feel any hate or anger towards Chloe's aparents? I chose them, it wasnt the other way around. Now I will say that some have had bad experiences with their adoptive parents, Chloe's aparents have kept every promise made to me and I feel they are amazing for it so I can not have any ill feelings towards them, and I view most aparents as amazing people. With that said though to say do "all" bmoms go through a stage of hostility towards aparents is just plain ignorance. To assume that all bmoms feel the same is ignorant as well.

    Answer by MissingChloe at 3:50 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • I am part of the grapevine Iamgr8ful refers to.There is off and on discussion about limiting who can belong to birthmom group so that birthmoms and EWCA can feel free to vent.It isn't about being anti-adoptive mom but about a secure place for birthmoms to reveal their feelings about anything.

    Answer by drfink at 10:40 PM on Aug. 18, 2010

  • I have seen, even in this section, posters who have presented information as fact. Even cited where to find those "facts." So I looked at some. Sure it was written. But then when you find out who was behind the so called study, look at how it was actually done....not so factual or ethical. Doesn't mean you can't give out that information still. I do not appreciate scare tactics in either direction. Scaring a woman with not so factual "facts" is unnecessary. And whose agenda does it really serve?  It may make you feel better to give out "facts" but ultimately the woman and child live with the consequences of any decisions made.  In any decision a woman faces: moving, jobs, educational opportunities, staying at home vs. working, parenting, family planning....everyone thinks their two cents is worth more than the woman who is actually having to make a choice.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:06 AM on Aug. 19, 2010

  • Well, I didn't realize that these posts of "I saw it in the birth mom's group" were still going on. What's odd to me is that you don't see "I saw it in the Foster/Adopt group" or "I saw it in the Foster Parent group" or even the MANY Adoption groups. It seems that these sorts of posts that purposely reference the birth moms group are meant to be disparaging to the group itself as a whole and/or the specific mom in question, meanwhile trying to gain support for the OP who likely was involved in the post itself. Otherwise a curious or even concerned person might just ask a question w/o referencing the birth mom's group.

    Do people really get so offended that they need to bring things to the Q&A section? Seriously...

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:11 PM on Aug. 20, 2010



    Answer by drfink at 4:38 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • As an adoptive mom, I can't comment on how a birth mom feels. I do know that not all of them express anger toward their children's APs. The only time my DD's bmom was a little snarly with me was when she had started using again and I didn't notice that she had lost weight (I think she was a little hurt that I didn't say something about it). My DS's bmom has never expressed hostility toward me. Whether or not they ever felt that way, I do not know. Maybe it's something that some women experience while they are working through their grief. Maybe in some cases it is justified. I'll be interested to see any answers you may get from bmoms.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:14 PM on Aug. 15, 2010

  • I think it is only natural that they all go through a stage where they are like that. I don't have experience with BM and AP but I am a Foster Parent and I know how hard it is to deal with Birth Parents when we see them at visits and etc. They get hostile thinking abotu someone else raising their children, even when they know that they were failing at it.

    Answer by hsmominky at 9:15 PM on Aug. 15, 2010