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3rd Part of Adoption Question

I never wanted to adopt an older child, such as a teenager because I saw what it did to a few people in my family. One child was so terrible my cousin wanted to give her back to the agency. You never know how your own child will turn out. However, it is tough when a child rebels simply because you aren't their natural parent. My assumption is ( I am not an expert) the younger the child the better the chances of bonding. There isn't a gurantee. How can you fix dealing with an older child that hate the fact you adopted them?Would an adoption go through in court in this siutation? My cousin is suffering severley with child and I am just curious how this adoption was approved.

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Asked by Godswk at 9:31 PM on Aug. 15, 2010 in Adoption

Level 9 (282 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • I believe if the child does not want to be with the famioly, and vice versa, it is very sad YES but the system is flawed and the system has failed.
    You DOn't have the background with an older child to fall back on. ALl teens go through differing stages, and you don't have the memory of the sweet compliant little 4 year old to hold on to, it is a huge committment and I believe some people can handle it very well (and vice versa)

    Answer by txdaniella at 9:57 PM on Aug. 15, 2010

  • As a foster/adopt parent, OP, I commend you for your genuine concern for your cousin. Sometimes family support is lacking and the challenge of raising an adopted foster child becomes very lonely. Support your cousin AND her child. How? Learn about RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and attachment parenting. An older child will have more "baggage", experienced more abuse/neglect (in & out of the system), and have "bigger feelings" about their situation. However, they still need unconditional love, patience, & understanding. If the love was easy, it wouldn't be UNconditional.

    Even though her parents may have rightfully had their rights terminated, it doesn't change how she feels about them. She may still dream of having her family back together. Even if your cousin is more "qualified" to raise her, she may feel that she's betraying her birth family. It keeps her at war with herself. Hope this helps.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:34 PM on Aug. 15, 2010

  • gotta tell you something. older children are still children and they are hurt damaged children at that. it takes someone very very special to be able to raise older children. they dont usually actually hate thier adoptive parents. they are dealing with a ton of horrible pain and abandonment issues. ,most families that brave adopting older kids need to have support services and therapy in place to help the situation

    Answer by sati769leigh at 8:49 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • I agree with sati, that your cousin may need to check into post-adoption services. They can offer her things like additional counseling, respite care, and if warranted, an in-home support person. There is help available for her and her DD.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:10 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Has she looked into counseling for the child and for her? I think that can help all involved because any kid who is placed is going to have emotional things to work out, maybe big, maybe small, but this sounds like s/he would appreciate having someone to talk to who is trained in helping kids get through these kinds of challenges.

    Answer by TwoBrownDogs at 8:21 PM on Aug. 18, 2010

  • Srry to hear that. She just has to keep working with the kid and maybe they can get the proper help in

    Answer by mekarevell at 2:26 PM on Aug. 27, 2010

  • We are going through huge issues right now and it has been over 6 years and ours is an older teen and we have gone through tons of support it is TOUGH at times-REACH out for that support believe me from one who believes in their teen (not saying it is easy AT ALL) and one who is going through it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    Answer by lifeisajoy at 12:57 AM on Nov. 17, 2010

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