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You can't keep AND eat the pie ...

The gras is allways greener on the other side. Make choices and stick to is. Be a good person. Don't cheat. Be loyal. Be nice to your little sister. Wanting what you can't have ... and all of that.... So, what did YOU get from "doing the right thing"?
As for me: So far is got me heartache, 3 years without ANY intimacy (due to partner's sickness), having to take care of household, work, child, husband, garden, personal administration and beeing a 7 hour ride away from any any familymember at all. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leaving him isn't fair. He's the father of my child, she adores him. I still love him, but that love has changed. If he get's to live another 10, 15 or even 20 years ... I don t know if I can do that. I'm scared to wake up one day and can t push away the feeling anymore that I wasted my youth.
What the h**** do I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 7:08 AM on Aug. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • Wow! Ok It has been 7 years no intimacy same reason he is sick, been married now 24 years , His illness has no made things easy he is angry all the time so he is pretty emotionally abusive I stayed first for he kids now they are grown I stay for I love him that is growing thin, I say for leaving is scarier then staying, My Family lives 14 hours away. They pretty much all stopped talking o me anyway for they dont like the way he treats me, Yet they don help either. I hear you I understand! I am in your shoes! The only thing left for us to do is Possibly help each other. For unless someone is living this they just are not going to understand i! Not one person See's your depression, your fears, it is all about him and his illness. God forbid if you have day you do no feel well Rite? There is no real answer for us! There is Just people Like us who have no idea what do !

    Answer by SCMomof2kids at 7:21 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Well, I can say that I wouldn't stay with my Dh if he refused to give me intamacy due to an illness. I can understand that sex would be out of the question, but to me intamcy is also hugs and kisses. I don't stay with people that are assholes 24/7... for any reason.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:26 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Oh man! I am so sorry! Is there any way you can contact Social Services or talk to your dh's Dr or something about getting some sort of help? Maybe someone that can come in and give you a break, even just once a week? It sounds like you've got so much on your plate, and you do deserve a break.

    As far as your dh goes, I don't know what sort of illness he has, and it is admirable that you have stuck it out - but I agree with the pp - even no sex, you should be having intimacy - loving words, loving touches (hugs, kisses, etc). I understand that he needs care, but yet, you should be more than his caregiver to him - you are still his wife,and you deserve to be treated with love and respect by him while you care for him, kwim?

    Also, is there any way that maybe you could move closer to family, or have one of them come down one weekend a month to help you?

    I'm sorry :-(

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 7:37 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • How about taking some online classes and maybe getting into a support group it can be hard to take care of sick people you need some care for yourself. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 8:04 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • You CAN keep and eat the pie until it's gone.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Open the marriage and keep the man you love while getting the intimacy you need while retaining your dignity and honesty. Get some counselling. Sounds like you have some grief issues, a lot of fears, and some resentment and anger built up. Work on those before making life altering decisions so you don't create future regrets. Make some time for yourself. Pamper yourself. Nurture yourself. Become who you are rather than an extension of your husband and the jobs that you do for other people. Talk to your husband, family and freinds. Surround yourself with them. Build up your support network. You don't have to live life alone.


    Answer by isabellalecour at 10:21 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Initially my response is that so much good has come into my life from doing the right things, even when others don't and it's not reciprocated. I can feel good about myself, I have good friends, true friends, I have experienced alot of miracles and don't feel like I don't deserve good things like alot of others, etc. But ultimately, the best things in my life have come from doing the right things for MYSELF while doing a "good" thing for someone else that is harmful to me has brought me alot of pain and heartache, and here is where I think the crux of your problem is. Just because it's the right thing by someone else, obviously doesn't make it the right thing for you. If there is a way that you can change things to do what is right for yourself and him, then that would be the best solution, however, if you must make a choice, choose yourself. By staying with him for your child's sake, is your child losing YOU as a full parent?

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:28 AM on Aug. 16, 2010

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