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How do I forgive and move on after an attempted infidelity?

Two years ago I caught my husband texting a girl he had met on the internet. I was 20, pregnant with twins, and we had only been married a few months. They weren't friendly messages, his intentions with the girl were clear. I confronted him, he asked for forgiveness and swore it would never happen again, and I attempted to forgive and forget in the name of our family. Our 2nd anniversary is approaching, and I still can't move on. I still check his emails, his phone, and question him everytime I think he's home later than he should be. I want to move on, and not be a wife who holds grudges and waits for a reason to throw his mistakes in his face. How do I forgive and trust him again? How do I move on?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:38 PM on Oct. 7, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • You know honestly you have got to stop trying to control something that you have no control over. You can not control your husband. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless of how well you keep tabs on him. Just ask yourself is there a problem right now at this moment?? If there is doing something about it if there isn't then stop trying to find one. It's normal to try and avoid getting hurt, but if you spend your whole life focusing on what may or may not happen sometime in the future are you really living your life?? Or are you missing your life waiting for something to happen?? If he is going to cheat he is going to cheat nothing you can do about it. Why not deal with it if and when it happens instead of trying to anticipate and control something that you have no control over?? Focus on what is happening now at this moment. Let whatever is going to happen, happen and deal with each moment as it comes.
    norbert

    Answer by norbert at 2:33 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • You trust until he gives you a reason not to, and he clearly has. Once that trust is broken it is difficult to get back, but not impossible. He made a mistake. That doesn't mean you should automatically trust him again. He has to earn that trust back. He needs to be an open book until you are ready to fully trust him again. If you feel like you are ready slowly back off checking up on him. You will slowly start to feel more, and more confidant the more space you give him.


     

    Stephalpha

    Answer by Stephalpha at 1:51 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • in my eyes, intentions still count as cheating. Just because the deed wasn't done doesn't mean he wasn't gonna do it if you didn't find out. Sorry if this doesn't help. I wish I could tell you something better.

    Talk to him openly about how you dont trust him. And dont say "I trust you babe.. Its just because..." you don't need to spare his feelings cuz he didn't spare yours doing what he did. Maybe see a couples therapist, and let him know that its gonna take a while to rebuild your trust.. Which means if u have to check his phone, emails, question his every move.. Install a gps into his car secretly. =P I'd be shook if this happened to my mArriage. But I know I couldn't leave that easily without further investigation. Good luck hun. Just make sure ur twins are taken care of.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:00 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • even the score~`
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:02 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • Please find a counselor--pastor, professional, whatever, and get some marriage counseling. It is worth it for the sake of your marriage and family. Even a Marriage Encounter Weekend would be good.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • I consider that cheating and once a cheater always a cheater. If he was trying to hook up with another girl when you have only been married for a couple of months and your pregnant what makes you think he won't do it now. It sounds like he was not ready to be married or have the resposibility of a child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:40 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • I had a similar situation; it was e-mails and she was an ex. We were married a few months. The e-mails consisted of a bunch of I miss you, I can't wait to see you. We were all in the AF at the time. She was coming to our base for a few weeks for work. If I hadn't seen them when I did, what would have happened? All the while he was emotionally abusing me and always suspicious of me. After that I knew why. I was disgusted with him and felt so betrayed. But, this was 3 1/2 years ago. It took me a while to stop checking up on him. I still do think about it. I'll never forget it. Have I forgiven him... yes. I just decided to let things take their course. I do trust him now, and I trust that he wouldn't do anything to ruin what we have. If he did something, or had intentions on doing something it would all come to light in the long run. You can't live and be happy if you're constantly wondering and worrying.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:58 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • It's going to take a looooooooooong time and alot of commitment from your DH to make you feel safe. See, part of the decision to stay means that it's his job for the rest of your life to reassure you in a way that he didn't have to do before he f'ed up. It's just part of the deal. Go to counseling and start communicating with eachother. You need answers to why it happened and won't happen again...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • ok so your married and you want to stay that way. i'm proud of you. stick with it. you must love him. people are not perfect and neither are you. it helps to remind yourself of that. get this book called " the peace maker" it's the best book ever and it's not too long. it's very easy to read and not complicated at all on how to find that forgiveness for someone. you will be amazed by it. here is the catch if you don't buy it online or can't find it in your local library then you can only buy at the local lds book store. (like deseret book store) anyone can buy and read their books. you must forgive him to find peace in yourself. it's harmful to yourself to hold that inside. i promise this book will help you out so take me up on it.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 3:23 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • trust is something that doesnt come back immediatly. it takes time. i personally wouldve left immediatly pregnant or not (ive been cheated on by every guy ive ever been with except for my hubby) if the feeling isnt gone you may be holding a grudge (or in denial of holding a grudge) if it bothers you that bad maybe you should talk to him and he should try to regain your trust.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on Oct. 7, 2008