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How to ask SO for an open relationship.

My SO and I have been together for six yrs. He's a fabulous father to our 4 1/2 yr old son, and tries very hard to take care of us. He is more of my best friend then a lover, I have lost all interest in him sexually. I have recently found out that someone I have been in love w/ for 15 yrs has always felt the same about me. I'm trying to figure out how to maintin a relationship and stable home environment for my son, and still be able to be w/ the love of my life. Any ideas? (and dont just say leave the SO, becuase that is easier tsaid then done.)

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:06 PM on Aug. 16, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • Oh wow honey.It's hard to not be able to be with the one you love.But be prepared to be bashed.Good luck with your question.Hope you find the answers you need.
    WeAre138

    Answer by WeAre138 at 1:09 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • umm no. Your SO sounds like a good man and deserves the full attention of his SO (you). Honestly since you are the one that wants to have another realtionship with soemones else then you need to tell your SO and let him decide what he wants to do.

    This is one of those cases where you want your cake and to eat it too and sometimes that just doesn't happen
    kanakake

    Answer by kanakake at 1:10 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Just go ahead and sneak around behind his back. It won't be any different than having lusted after another man for the whole time you've been with him. Then if he catches you, you will just have to accept whatever he decides to do. Hopefully, he will decide to take the boy. Please do use some good strong birth control, though while you are sneaking around with the new/old guy!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:10 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Wow. Well....you need to be honest with you SO first off. It is only fair to him that he knows how you are feeling. Yes, it will probably hurt him, but you would be hurt if he came to you with the same issue. Second, if an open relationship is something you really would want to try, you would have to understand that means he (SO) is open to date other people also. You are going to have to sit down with him and have an honest, adult, conversation about how you are feeling. And if he is not willing to go along with the open relationship, you are going to have to make a decision....stay with him and DO NOT CHEAT, or leave him and be with who you want. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but it is one that you are going to have to have if that is truly what you want.
    fallnangel93

    Answer by fallnangel93 at 1:12 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • get a divorce
    DarkFaery131

    Answer by DarkFaery131 at 1:12 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • You just found out that after 15yrs someone else feels that same about you and you want to dump the father of your son? Have you tried to see a therapist and rekindle your sex life with him? More importantly, why did you have a kid with someone that you have no sexual interest? Or was it just convenient to have a sperm donor at that time because your clock is ticking? Sounds kind of selfish to me. Although the grass appears to be greener, it's not always the case. You should really try and make it work at home first before you cross lines that you can't go back. Lastly, have you considered what and how this will affect your son? Nope, bet you haven't thought that one through!
    NikkiVan1

    Answer by NikkiVan1 at 1:13 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Honestly, I dont understand why you think your husband would allow an open relationship. I mean, I dont know him so maybe he will, but most men would never allow their wife to be sexual with another man and be okay with it.. If youre seriously in love with another man, then the best thing you can do is be with him. Its not fair to your husband to be put 2nd especially when he is good to you (so you have said in the question).. I guess you have to decide if you truly want to be with your husband, if so, work on your sex life and try to enjoy and be thankful for what you have. If not, then I would say its time to move on.... GL to you.
    xxMasonsMommaxx

    Answer by xxMasonsMommaxx at 1:13 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Research polyamoury. It's more common than you think; however, it has to be ok from both sides. While I'm sure you'll get quite a bit of bashing here because most people feel that you should only love one person, I'm a firm believer that it's impossible to only love one person and for one person to be your everything. Above all else with an open relationship there has to be trust and honesty, completely open honesty. I would do your research first, understand what you are really asking for, then find people who have polyamorous relationships and discuss with them how they make it work, how they started with it, etc. I would also stay away from the person you're "inlove" with. I would work on your marriage because without a strong marriage it won't work. Open relationships also go both ways, you have to be willing to share him.
    Cassarah

    Answer by Cassarah at 1:14 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • I would start by asking him if he is happy with your sexual relationship.  Hopefully that would open the door and you could take it from there.  Just be sure to pick your moment, that is very important.  You want privacy and no distractions or interruptions that way you will have his undivided attention.  But be ready to accept that he may not want that kind of a relationship and your request may have him considering leaving you. 

    beeky

    Answer by beeky at 1:16 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • There's no such thing as a stable open relationship. Even if he does go for it, it might last for a while, but it's just a disaster waiting to happen. I've got a couple friends that claim to be "poly" (so he's got multiple gf's who each have multiple so's)... and they're SOOOO happy in the beginning... but he's had more breakups (and painful ones) than anyone I know. I really feel bad for the kids involved in these relationships too. They don't understand all the people coming and going from their lives. Even if you don't respect your DH enough to be faithful and honest to him, please think of the effects a divorce or "open" relationship will have on your child.

    If nothing else, PLEASE use lots of protection. Condoms + diaphram + bcp.
    coder_chick

    Answer by coder_chick at 1:17 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

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