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How can i be my hubbys best friend if he doesnt want me to be or doesnt let me in?

somewhere in my relationship there is a disconnect. my hubby (we have been together 4 years) is very much a loner. he grew up in a house with MANY other kids (his grandmother raised him and all his cousins etc) so he was never really taught or allowed to express true emotions that he is feeling. he loves me and can tell me that, but he doesnt know how to express his own unhappiness or problems that he may have with me etc. i feel like he holds a lot in bc he doesnt want to hurt my feelings or feel like he is leaning on me, thats what his sense of being a "man" is. and when he does, he doesnt know how to say things tactfully so that it doesnt come out wrong. ( like saying "thats bullshit" instead of saying y he thinks something i said was a problem"). he wont feel like a man if he expresses his real feelings all the time. how can i get him to confide in me. i try talking about it with him, but its hard for him. what can i do?


Asked by Anonymous at 2:28 PM on Aug. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • 1. If your husband is pretty much a loner by nature, he may be perfectly content keeping his own counsel about a lot of things. It's probably not realistic to expect him to suddenly become much more verbal about those things this late in life. He may just be really short and to the point about things.

    2. If/when he does talk, try to remember that he DOESN'T always express himself well, and try not to take tactless things personally Asking questions to get him to expand his answer may help. Also, if sometihng really hurts your feelings, try telling him what specificly did it, and try to work out a way he can say what he needs to and not hurt your feelings

    Answer by laurelsmama at 2:38 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • well, i can say my hubby thought it was the same. until he did something so stupid that he had to confront me about it. then that is when i said when have i ever given you a reason or the thought that you couldn't come to me. don't let it get worse. try finding something that the two of you can do together, just the two of you. no kids, no work, no responsibility. he may not open up, but it will at least give you that bonding time so perhaps eventually he will let you in. some marriage couseling might also do some good.

    Answer by xtwilightx at 2:33 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • I would not push this issue. As time passes, he will open up to you more as he realizes that he can trust you with his feelings. As a whole, men are not as emotional as are we women. They are usually quite content to live and let live and to come home in the evening to a haven of quiet and comfort. If there's anything you really need to know, he will tell you, but it will usually come in the form of an angry outburst. Anger is the emotion of choice for men, so learn to listen carefully to what he says when he is angry and you will be able to discern what the real problem is. Too often, women expect their husbands to relate to them the same way their sisters and girlfriends do. Men are just not capable of doing that, and by demanding it of them, wives actually drive their husbands farther and farther away and into their little cubby holes. So be careful about that.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:34 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • Hmm that's a tough one. Maybe counseling would work. That way he could learn how to express himself. Maybe suggest marriage counseling so you guys can learn how to communicate to eachother. Good luck!

    Answer by twinmama2five at 2:32 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • you can't. you can only show him you love him, and trust him enough for him to trust you. some people aren't talkytalky with their feelings. i know my dh isn't. he'd rather make a joke than tell me how he really feels....until its something he's personally passionate about. then you can't shut him up.
    i think what you have to realize is you and he are different individuals. you both deal with things differently. sometimes accepting one's partner for who/what he/she is, is the best avenue to take.

    Answer by dullscissors at 2:33 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • My hubby is a loner. He can be blunt with me but over time he has learned to be thoughtful about what he says. I used to feel lonely with him when he was quiet. But then I started to pay attention to what he is interested in. He sure has opened up to me since then. He goes on and on about bears in Yellowstone, survival skills, shopping, tv shows, etc...if I bring up emotions he is only game for this talk for so long. But now I am his best friend by being who he needs me to be not him being who I need. Men are different then women. You can't expect a man to talk to you about stuff your girlfriends do!

    Answer by bjane01 at 3:05 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • yeah try counseling to help communicate with each other better always be the best wife you can just tell him your there for him & that you love him & i think he will come around when he is ready & you can show him that he can trust you in talking to you about his feelings

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 4:30 PM on Aug. 16, 2010

  • has HE told you all these things about himself... his inability to properly communicate, his feeling like less of a man, etc.... or are you playing amateur therapist trying to find a way to make yourself feel better about his lack of ability to be respectful of and intimate with you? not trying to be mean, but i'm sensing the latter... he's a grown man and everyone is capable of understanding proper communciation - they just have to decide it's necessary. instead of trying to approach him as the wounded soul, expect him to communicate and stop painting this picture that allows him to continue bad behavior and habits. you don't have to start battles, but don't allow him to talk disrespectfully to you, don't assume he is hiding his feelings - work on the assumption that he is grown enough to talk about things that bother him - don't create problems where there may be none. initiate conversations that require sentences

    Answer by figaro8895 at 6:59 PM on Aug. 16, 2010