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What things should I be doing if I'm preparing to leave my husband?

He's extremely verbally abusive, and I truly believe (through 3 years of research, not just a random accusation) that he is bipolar. He refuses to get help, won't go to couples therapy or even individual therapy, and he isn't changing-- no matter how many times he apologizes and says he will. I won't let my son (8 months old) grow up in this crazy, emotional rollercoaster type environment. He has never changed a diaper, fixed or fed a bottle, got up during the night... I bet he's held our son for a total of 18-20 hours in the past 8+ months. ((continued below))

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:29 PM on Oct. 7, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I don't mind him being in our son's life, but I want it to only be when I'm there. He could come visit him at our home anytime, but I DO NOT want him to ever be alone with him. What steps should I be taking now to be sure that I've covered all of my bases before leaving? I'm thinking about buying a "nanny cam" (hidden camera) so that I'll have proof of the crazy moodswings and verbal abuse. Any tips, please!?!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • You should be looking into saving money up for an apartment and for bills to sustain your style of living. You should also document everything down on paper that happens. I would also seek the advise of a domestic violence couenslor. They will also help you along the way. If there are things that you are both financially responsible for you need to figure out who is going to pay for what.
    awife1life3kids

    Answer by awife1life3kids at 3:35 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • don't let him find it--or you'll really see violence,sorry to say. go to your local court house,get papers started giving you sole custody. try saveing some money--the more you have the better. get all you legal papers together(birth certificates,s.s.cards,insurance cards,shot records) it wouldn't hurt to put these things at a friends house along with some clothes and personal belongings--incase you need to leave in a hurry. it would help if you knew where you plan to go. good luck.
    pam228

    Answer by pam228 at 3:44 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • find your state legal aide department. They have sources to help you out. I did. The state of Colorado put me in a d.v. shelter, help me find a job and daycare. Plus paid for my divorce. If you can't find it ask your local law enfrocement to get you in touch with the d.v. shelter and they can also help you. out. Good Luck Sweetie, No mom or child needs to go though that crap.
    mommawombat

    Answer by mommawombat at 4:00 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • i would also reccomend that you have copies of his pay stubs so he can't lie about income. document everything in a notebook. if he leaves any kind of sings of abuse, take pictures of it. Examples like holes in walls, trashed belongings, letters from people who have seen the abuse and would be willing to helpif you need to leave in the middle of the night.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:03 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • You sound like you're definitely going to leave him, and my heart goes out to you. But I'm wondering if you've thought of just seperating for a period of time - giving him some choices - to go to a psychiatrist and get some help. Is there someone you can live with while you try to negotiate with him? It sounds like you've tried everything, but making some requests after you move out might be more effective than saying them at home. I've never personally divorced, but a wonderful woman's voice rings in my head; she has been divorced twice, and she says, "One might think that divorce is the answer but it's always more messy and painful that you expect. It doesn't solve all the problems." Best wishes to you... write on my chatterbox if you want to talk about it anymore with me - I'd love to hear back from you.
    Maureen
    maureen-3boys

    Answer by maureen-3boys at 4:07 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • H.A.W.C. is an mazing organization its full name is help for abused woman and children and they will give u the list of every thing u need as well as a place to stay while u get back on your feet and conseling and go to court with you for restaing orders they are a place that only cares about saftey they will not judge you nor will they doubt u
    jajamama

    Answer by jajamama at 4:11 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • Also check out the National Domestic Violence Holtine at 1-800-799-7233 or www.ndvh.org and have them give you a check list of things to do and set aside for the move. They may be able to get you in touch with the right folks to make your transition easier. I know they will have the number of your local dv shelter. Be safe.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:11 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

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