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What should I do about my non-helpful husband?

My husband hasn't changed at all since we started dating, but I have. He keeps saying he's going to change, and I tell him he hasn't yet and that I don't believe him but he keeps repeating the same thing. I have tried to even give him specific instances where he could change and help out, but he doesn't. He leaves messes after cooking, and he gets on the computer after work and does nothing else. During the evening, he hardly spends any time with our twin girls, but at night he insists that they "need him" and puts them in bed with us. They are only 7 weeks old and I have woken up and seen a baby against his chest or arm so the baby might not be breathing properly. The babies sleep just fine all day when he's not here. I can't sleep with the babies in the bed because I am always aware of where I am and where they are. He acts like some kind of martyr because he has to work all day and then helps with the babies.

 
katythemm

Asked by katythemm at 6:56 PM on Oct. 7, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • I agree with what jon6pat said...men need to be instructed on what to do AND how to do it. I do the same thing with my hubby. I give him a list of what I need him to do. I'm a SAH mom, but, heck, I deserve a break too! He gets to clock out from his job, I don't. And I'm the one who gets up and/or stays up when the kids are sick. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for a wife to ask her husband to help around the house and with the kids...it is his house and they are his kids as well, after all.
    cuby

    Answer by cuby at 10:09 AM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • you may have to learn to accept him as is.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:02 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • men dont change. PERIOD. You have to hope you saw their true colors before you marry them and either accept how they are or walk away...Oh and most men act as though they have done something exceptional when they do an hour of something (caring for their children) that we do for the other 23 hrs of the day
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:05 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • Some think that changing a diaper is a major job they have done.just grin and bear itand hope he willgrow up soon.
    geenabelle

    Answer by geenabelle at 7:11 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • We work all the time. They like to tell themselves that they accomplish a lot , when really they do nothing. For instance, we both work full time, but I get home early and take care of the baby and the house and everything. He has to watch her on Saturdays for two hours, and talks about it all week, like hes a hero.
    LovinMyMikayla

    Answer by LovinMyMikayla at 8:03 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • boy you should of thought of that before you married him. you can't change people they have to change on their won all you can do is accept him for who he is cause now your stuck. do this as soon as possible so that you can accept him sooner and it won't drive you as mad. also i would try to remove the babies while he is asleep and when he wakes tell him they are safer alone and you get better sleep. this is not good for them at all.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:15 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • I can understand your frustration. My hubby thought I was going to do all the housework and cooking when we got married but I showed him how wrong he was. We both work full time and I was NOT going to be doing all the housework while he and my 2 sons sat and watched or enjoyed themselves! I'd made a list of all the chores that needed to be done & we split them up evenly. I flat out told him that if he didn't help out, he could just leave cause I'm not his MOM or slave. Worked out fine, we all do our share & we have quality time together because of it.
    Men will let you do all the work when you don't FORCE them to do something. They're like kids, you have to make them do it or else!
    jon6pat

    Answer by jon6pat at 10:07 PM on Oct. 7, 2008

  • Well, when I tried to give him a list, he ended up not doing practically anything on it! He says that when I tell him to do something he specifically doesn't want to. It's like he's rebelling against me for some reason, like I'm his mother or something.
    katythemm

    Answer by katythemm at 12:22 AM on Oct. 15, 2008

  • Any more advice would be great
    katythemm

    Answer by katythemm at 8:03 PM on Oct. 20, 2008