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2 Bumps

Do I tell her I'm her biological mother?

I had a baby when I was 17 and my parents gave her away without even telling me. One morning I wake up and she's gone. My parents died 11 days later - car accident.

I got a job, saved money and started looking for her when I was 21. I didn't even know where to start because I didn't know where my parents took her.

So now, 11 years later, I found her in NY (I'm from TN). She's 15, she knows she's adopted and she's a perfect young lady.

I met her adoptive parents and they told me I can do whatever I want, they didn't seem to care all that much. They're divorced and the father only sees my daughter 3 times a year.

I got a job in her school in March so I could see her every day. She's smart, beautiful, a good student and a great kid.

I don't know if I should say anything because she might hate me for leaving her. Or I might hurt her. Teenagers are unpredictable.

What do you think I should do?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:16 PM on Aug. 17, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (23)
  • This is a tough one.Your daughter has had a rough life.Lots of people have let her down.You didn't.The circumstances were beyond your control.Maybe you could ask her if she ever thought about seeking her birth mom.then you would know if she was ready to hear it or not.You obviously love her if you did all these things to find her and be able to see her.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 4:21 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • This sounds like a movie!
    I'd have her mom set up a meeting for you two at their house. Don't approach her at school.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 4:22 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • I don't think I would say anything right now. Maybe when she is older. But 15 is a really hard age to have to deal with that kind of information and the decisions that she would have to make, as well. You are in a position to watch her grow up, and I think I would let that be enough for now.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:23 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • How did they "give her away" without you signing the papers? Anyway, that's really beside the point, after all this time, you need to think very carefully before you do anything. My children were adopted and after 11 years, we met their birth mom this spring. My daughters were excited to meet her, at first, but it didn't go very well. Perhaps you could write her a letter for her mother to give to her and find out how she feels about meeting you first. But please, don't just spring it on her with no warning. At 15, she's at a very vulnerable age already.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 4:23 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • I agree with pp's.
    itsallabtthem84

    Answer by itsallabtthem84 at 4:24 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • It's not your place to tell her ... If i was you and i have meet the adoptive parents i would talk to them again and seek there help meaning break the ice and tell her that they have been in contact with you and you would like to meet her the ultimate choice is the childs if she wants to meet you if she does let it be in a place she is use too like her home maybe the adoptive parents could have you come there for the meeting . Good luck..
    MTM

    Answer by MTM at 4:27 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • I would totally tell her. Although I have to admit I don't understand how she was just adopted with you not having any consent over it. I could see it maybe 50 years ago, but not 15 years ago.
    Glamourina

    Answer by Glamourina at 4:32 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • So the adoptive parents are willing? What role do you plan on playing in her life? Do you feel she's safe and well cared for? I think I would also wait a couple years on this for her to mature. I don't know. If the adoptive family would sit with you and have a conversation with her, that might be worthwhile? Ask a psychologist how this should be handled maybe? Good luck.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 4:34 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • Okay, she needs to know but she needs to know in an appropriate manner. Don't tell her on your own. I gew up the rest of the time resentful for living the time out not knowing. I didn't know my dad wasn't the real dad. If mom is ok with it, have her speak to her, then have a meeting with them. This could be a unique situation that could enrich the rest of her life! You never know. It would be wrong to work at her school the whole time without her knowing. If you don't want her to know I'd find another job.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 4:37 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

  • Yeah she might react strongly at first, but then again she might even want to know more and this might be the perfect opportunity. If you explain the reasoning like you did on this post, you could in fact create a new relationship with a daughter you brought into the world but didn't have the opportunity to really get to know at all. It may take her a little time to allow for it all to sink in since you say it's been at least 11 years. but who knows, it could turn out for the best.
    CafeMochaMom1

    Answer by CafeMochaMom1 at 4:38 PM on Aug. 17, 2010

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