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what do I do about my adult daughter?

Its been 10 years since she ran away. She thought we were too strict and I have a sister that gave her anything she wanted so why go home, right? All contact was cut off from her and my siblings. Now she wants back in and is writing notes to me telling me that I missed her children being born and growing up, that we should be going shopping and doing mother daughter things. It was her choice, definitly not mine, my door has always been open for her. Yet she cant seem to keep her mouth shut. We ran into one of our friends the other day and they told us they saw her, she had nothing good to say about us yet she wants us to stop being mad at her??? she is 30 years old, she needs to grow up and be an adult. There was no abuse given to her, yet she feels there was. we are willing to forgive her for taking herself out of our lives yet how long do I have to wait for the same from her?

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cmrbored

Asked by cmrbored at 10:21 AM on Aug. 18, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 5 (81 Credits)
Answers (3)
  • I feel for you as parents.Children want it their way and there are rules and guidelines that need to be followed.If she chose not to follow those and moved out, that was her choice. You did the best you could.The truly sad part is you are missing out on your grandchildren.To really drive the point home and that things aren't fixed yet,let her know maybe that you would like to set up a visitation schedule for your grandkids. Until she is ready to apologize,and yes I'd let her know you've heard what she is saying about you to others and it has to stop before you are willing to let her back in.It doesn't sound like she's learned her lesson yet, and her children don't have a very good role model by observing her current behavior.Let me tell you she will probably have the same problems with her children.They live by example and what they see they do.

    I think you and your daughter should maybe see a counselor before letting her in
    Lifes-A-Dance

    Answer by Lifes-A-Dance at 10:31 AM on Aug. 18, 2010

  • if she feels that she was abused. you need to listen to her about WHY she feels that way. you should at least try to let your child back into your life. if it doesnt work out - at least you can say you tried.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 10:33 AM on Aug. 18, 2010

  • I would respond to her notes with one telling her that it was her choice to leave and it has been her choice not to return until now. Thus it was her choice that you have missed the birth of her children and their growing up years. You can also accept her back into your lives any time you choose to. You also have the right to draw some boundaries around your acceptance. One of those stipulations could be that she has to stop talking trash about you. Some people like to have their cake and eat it, too. You can't force her to be an adult, but she can't force you to do anything either. You have to decide what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to give. Then you have to establish enforceable boundaries around those decisions. There's probably some blame to be owned on both sides of this issue, but you need to be careful not to give the impression that you are willing to own hers.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:36 AM on Aug. 18, 2010

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