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How do you help a child that makes you feel that your help is not wanted?

My daughter, age 20, is getting a discharge from the Airforce here in a few weeks, and does not want to come back home. She is moving to another state with nothing except of what will be following her from her base. How am i suppose to know when to help her, when she barely talks to me on facebook or calls me. We were so close a long time ago when she was small all the way to being an adult. Now she treats me like i am a demon. I am not talking about helping her in financial needs but emotional needs. I am so worried about her and scared for her to just leave her home to go to this other state.

 
Airforce3mom

Asked by Airforce3mom at 2:33 PM on Aug. 20, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 16 (2,773 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Be patient, Mom. Sometimes, we have to sit and watch our children run smack dab into a brick wall and not be able to do a thing to prevent it. I would offer her no advice right now since it appears she has her mind made up. She may end up in some big trouble as a result of her decision, and if that happens, you must be careful not to bail her out in the name of love. There are consequences for choices and she must suffer those for herself. You need to also consider that she may not be moving to where she's going all by herself. There very well could be an attraction that is luring her there, and she just hasn't chosen to tell you that part yet.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:51 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Also, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it's a good thing that she doesn't need you. At 20, she should be able to stand on her own two feet, and that's something to be proud of. At 20 years old, we shouldn't need our parents anymore.
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 2:38 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do. Just be there when she finally admits that she needs you.

    Don't push your help on her or it may cause her to retreat further.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 2:35 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Sadly there isnt to much you can do but let her know if she needs you, you are there. She is demonstrating her independence. She is an adult now and has to make her own choices and will probably have to learn some lessons along the way. Hang in there!
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 2:36 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Step back and let her do what she doing. She's handling things as an adult on her own. Give her her freedom and independence. It doesn't matter what happened over in Germany if she's going to be able to stand on her own two feet. Just step back and let her be until she's ready to come forward and talk.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 2:58 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Did something happen between the time you were close to now?
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 2:35 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • @ JulieJacobKyle: There was something that did happen to her back in July. She had just found out that she was preg, by this guy that she was involved with. They were going to get married and had been talking about having kids together. She had been told a few years ago that she may not be able to have any because she has Endometriosis. In July, she found out that she was preg and about 6-8 weeks along. She has to go and tell her 1st Sgt. so she would have to be put on different work status, and her b/f was there forsomething different. She told him what the news was and he broke up with her right then and there. She tried to end her life that night. For the next 10 days she was over in a hospital in Germany.. over there she lost her baby from some girl who was upset, threw a chair at her and hit her in the stomach. She lost the baby the next day. I am sitting here falling apart as I could not be there. She was then 8 weeks
    Airforce3mom

    Comment by Airforce3mom (original poster) at 2:52 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • @ Julie: she was 8 weeks along as they did tests on her after she arrived there. I felt so hopeless as I could not be there. My daughter has not really talked to me since that time. There is more to her life from a smaller child that has happened to her from her biological father. Won't get into that now.
    Airforce3mom

    Comment by Airforce3mom (original poster) at 2:54 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

  • Ok... so it's nothing you've done and she's just being distant? Maybe she just needs some time to cope with what's going on in her life before she's ready to talk about it. Maybe all she needs is some time and space. We all deal with trauma in different ways.
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 2:58 PM on Aug. 20, 2010

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