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Why do adoptive parents "close" their adoption after agreeing to an open adoption?

I am an adoptive mother, and I keep reading on this board about situations where adoptive parents close their adoption after agreeing to an open adoption. No judgement, just wondering why parents would change the terms? And if your answer is "best interest of the child", please explain in detail. Curious minds want to know.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:35 PM on Oct. 8, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (59)
  • I guess it would be because some birth mothers won't let them adopted unless they agree to a open adoption, After the adoption is complete they go to a close it.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:49 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • I am an adoptive mother, but not privately, I adopted children waiting in foster care. I do know a lot of adoptive mother's who did private adoptions though. I think some do it bc the birth family is so messed up in that situation that it disrupts family life and leaves the child at risk. In some of those situations I can understand. Others unfortunately do it bc they are insecure about their place as the parent and view the birthmother as a threat. I'm sure there are lots of different scenarios but I'd say those two are the most common. I definitely think that they should continue open unless there is a real risk to the child or family, which is occassionally the case.
    mommy9

    Answer by mommy9 at 6:30 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • Unfortunately, at least in our state, open adoption agreements are not enforceable by law. And yes, some adoptive parents agree to an open adoption just to get parental rights terminated...in essence, taking advantage of birth parents. In our case, we agreed to open adoptions that are only as open as we decide them to be, and for as long as we see fit. We have two adopted children and both birth-mothers are incredibly unstable, but in completely different ways. Contact is one-way so that they do not have our address and phone numbers...we felt it too risky. We have to build our family and make sure that our children know they are safe and stable. We will not allow our lives to be disrupted by people who choose not to take care of themselves. As my husband says, "We will not ride someone else's rollercoaster."

    kerijo143

    Answer by kerijo143 at 6:52 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • Our very open adoption was changed from that to semi-open (stopped all visits and correspondence except for updates/pictures twice a month). This happened because we were having so many problems with the B-Family. It started with the B-Gma trying to control every aspect of everything and the B-Mom freaking out at us when we asked the B-Mom if we could just do a few visits with just us and her (including DD) because we wanted to get to know her better without her mom there. This happened 1-1/2 years after finalization and we tried to make things better and tried to compromise to no avail. Finally, after being verbally threatened and accused of so many untrue things by B-Mom and B-Mom's fiance, we gave up and changed to "semi-open." This was back in January. We are right now seriously considering trying to start things up again, but honestly are scared of what reaction we will get from B-Mom.

    ...........
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 7:36 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • .............

    We didn't change the open adoption for any reason other than it was best for our family at that time. We didn't go into the adoption ever thinking we would do this because we truly feel an open adoption is best for the adoptee, but the stress that our family was being caused because of the months and months and months (over a year worth) of problems was just too much...we needed a break. We needed to allow ourselves to step back and get our feelings, thoughts, and emotions together. We also needed to allow the BMom time to mature and take control of things in her life which she needed to take control of.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 7:36 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • You're never going to hear from aparents who closed for no good reason. They just wont admit to it. You are never going to hear from the ones who are just plain cruel and insecure and decide to just cut of bmom when she did nothing "wrong". It's just too hard to put a handful of pictures in an envelope once a year & mail them to an adoption agency right?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:40 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • Anonymous...that is a little rough, don't ya think? People have there own reasons for closing an adoption after the fact. I think some adoptive parents are so desperate for a child, that they will agree to anything just so they can have the baby. Is it wrong? Maybe, maybe not, but that's not up to anyone to decide who is NOT in there shoes. Our daughter's BM wanted to make sure she could have access to pictures and updates, should she want them. We told her of course, and I'm actually really sad about the fact that she has never contacted the lawyer for anything from us. I would love for her to know how wonderful her daughter is and how thankful we are to be raising her.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 11:43 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • The BM was only 17, and did what she thought was best for our daughter, and is trying to move on with her life. Keep in mind that it is a very emotional process to adopt a child, for both sets of parents. I think adoptive parents have every right to be nervous about there place in the child's life, and how having contact with the BM would be a bit unsetteling for them. As for changing the terms of the adoption, it might be causing more stress on the child and a litlte confusing to keep an open adoption ongoing. Everyone has there own reasons, some may not be the answers we would like, but basically I think everyone has the right to determine if the adoption will remain open or closed.
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 11:43 PM on Oct. 8, 2008

  • Not "harsh" at all if you are the person on the other end waiting for pictures. If the aparents can't handle it they need to re think adoption then. You can't erase bmom as much as you may want to. So you come up with excuses that it for the "good of the child" when in fact its the insecurity of the adoptive parents. How sad for the child that the aparents who do this can't understand that love has no bounds; there's enough to go around. It's all pretty simple really but you want to make it so complicated. Why is it always the adoptive parents whose feelings and wishes come first and the birthmom always last, if at all? Oh yeah, they paid the money.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 AM on Oct. 9, 2008

  • Previous poster, can you explain how it would be confusing to maintain an open adoption? Confusing to who?

    How can everyone have the right to determine if the adoption will remain open or closed when the adoptive parents have all the rights? What the natural parents want is no matter to some adoptive parents. Some want the child all to themselves. However, their child already had two parents and it seems that they're too insecure to accept this reality.

    I'm curious to hear from more adoptive parents, as my child's adoptive parents are giving me a 3 year warning that the adoption will close. I'm baffled by their heartlessness.

    I agree with the anonymous poster also. Many close it for selfish insecure reasons. You think they'd admit that?

    orangeorbie

    Answer by orangeorbie at 12:40 AM on Oct. 9, 2008

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