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Is what hes doing ok because of what I did?

Over a year ago I had an affair. It last a month and then was over on my part. I decided to end the affair. 7 months ago my husband found out. We have gone through everything possible we tried seperation, talking about divorce, wanting to make things work. Well now we argue every other day. I can be sitting here on CafeMom then all of sudden he flips out and thinks about the affair and starts calling me names, saying he hates me, and he shouldn't have ever married me, and that im such a slut and the list goes on. I have packed my bags to leave more than 10 times this past month. Id probably leave now and do a 3 day drive with my son to my parents house but we don't have the money. We go to couples therapy and he doesn't take any advice into consideration. I am at my wits end. I feel he is wrong for how he is treating me but he says I deserve it and its all my fault. Is what hes doing ok? Should I accept it?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on Aug. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • no! your obviously unhappy so move on to a better life find the $ and start driving. hugs

    Answer by miritrose at 9:56 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • If he decided to stay then he has to forgive you and stop rubbing it in your face. It's very hard to do, but if he can't do that then it'll never work. Just because you were very wrong does not give him the right to disrespect you.

    Answer by kaylan010 at 9:56 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • I would sit down and have it out because even as you messed up it cannot go on hash it out and both of you should decide if its going to be better together or apart.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:00 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • I say that he needs to get past this whole thing but if he cant then you need to leave cuz this isnt good for you or for your son.

    Answer by noahsmommy12908 at 10:01 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • Its not oka,y sometimes people cant get over their spouse having an affair. If he isnt taking any of the advice he is getting in therapy theres not much you can do but put up with it or leave.

    Answer by okmommy08 at 10:02 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • its not ok but its normal. Make him feel important again. Make him feel like he is the only one you think about now. Like he is the best thing in your life. Make him feel like he matters. Make him feel like he felt when you first got married. make him feel needed.

    Answer by Tes...Jacksmami at 10:05 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • ask him point blank "do you want to be together?" and if he says yes then tell him "I need you to forgive me. We need to work towards putting it in the past and rebuilding our marriage and loving eachother and if you can't do that we need to go our seperate ways and move on because thisisn't working" you can understand why he's angry you can understand why he is doing what he is doing that doesnt make it okay but what you did is excruiciatingly painful. My guess is he thinks he has all the time in the world to get over it. He doesn't. It's now or never. So tell him "I know it still hurts and I'm STILL sorry. I know you're still angry and I'm STILL sorry but I can't live this way. I can't keep reliving a mistake i've tried to make right everyday of my life, so i need you to forgive me for us or we need to move on." thats all there is to it

    Answer by katiekruschke at 10:06 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • What he's doing is wrong regardless of what you did. Why do you have to leave? Kick him out if he's going to treat you like this and not try to make things work. You're trying to make things work

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 10:09 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • honestly it's gotta be hard for him to find that trust again....i'm not sure i ever could....just the fact that he's trying says something really good about him.....i like what Tes's not ok, but its normal...but you also can't expect him to live with you and trust you after that.....he'll probably always be wondering where you are, what you're doing....from here, probably his next stage is to try to control your every move....I would say if he can't forgive and move on, then it sounds like you both need to move on to other stages in your life, apart....

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 10:12 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • What you done is not right. However, what he is doing is not right either. You two have to choose whether or not you want to be together. If you do then you have to be able to let go of the past and move forward. Maybe you should seek counseling again and see what happens. Have you watched Fireproof together? It is a really good movie and it puts things into prespective.

    Answer by hsmominky at 10:13 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

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