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18 year old, no job, not in school

My 18 yr old daughter is living at home, is not in school and has no job. She does nothing to help around the house, but leaves plenty of messes. She comes and goes as she pleases, sometimes not coming home for days. She dropped out of school at the beginning of her senior year, but has since gotten her GED.

I am so frustrated and angry with her. When I get home after working all day and she is hanging out, piles of dirty dishes in the sink, her bedroom a mess I get so angry. A part of me wants her to move out because she refuses to do anything or follow any rules. The other part of me is scared to kick her out because she has no drivers license, has never worked, no skills of any kind. What will she do?

I have a 12 year old daughter in the home as well, and I worry constantly about her exposure to this.

Any ideas? How do you emotionally handle this kind of tough love?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:56 PM on Aug. 22, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (27)
  • I'd honestly, and some people might not agree with this, remove her from the home. Your 12 year old does not need any added exposure to her. Motivate her for the next two weeks and if she does not have one, kick her out. There are always fast food places, mall stores, etc hiring. If you want to be super nice, you can find her a small apartment for a month and get her set up, then cut those financial ties. Do not buy her cable, do not buy her internet.

    If she chooses to sit around for a month still, that is on her. You did your part. Whatever you do, do not welcome her back in. It's time for her to grow up.
    Glamourina

    Answer by Glamourina at 11:00 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • I think you are going to have to require that she either gets a job or she goes to some kind of school. You stop giving her spending money, and you may even have to take away the stuff you have provided for her. If she has a cell phone, take it. Whatever is in her room that you have bought, take it. She has to come to understand that we get things by working for them. That's how we have money to pay for what we want. Apparently, she has been given too much in the past and doesn't appreciate where it has come from. Love must be tough, especially in instances like yours.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:03 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • First Id take her to the MVD and have her get her license. Second Id stop giving her money and tell her if she wants whatever she wants she needs to get a job, and Thrid Id give her the talk of either shape up or get out. Sometimes they need what is called Tough Love. My step mom gave into my step sister, she is now 27 and still living with her. Granted she has a job but my step mom says she doesnt contribute to the bills only her own high spending rate. I dont want that for my kids. I didnt turn out like that thank the heavens.I think my sister is low for doing that to her mom.
    Shani527

    Answer by Shani527 at 11:09 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • My mom made me sink or swim. Sounds like your dd needs that kind of treatment. She has to learn sometime, and she isn't going to if you keep providing everything for her. See if she can do job core. Be tough. You are her mom, not her best bud. Sometimes moms have to show tough love in order for the best to come about.

    We as humans learn and grow through trials and adversity. She could use some of that right now.
    PhoenixFire

    Answer by PhoenixFire at 11:10 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • If she were my child, she would either have a job or go to school (preferably both), or she would not be living with me. Especially if she wasnt even helping around the house!
    Morgs7531642

    Answer by Morgs7531642 at 11:25 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • why dosent she have a drivers license? It sounds like maybe you didnt set her up for success and she isnt ready for adult life, no offense. Its time you help her to get ready, youre right I dont think she could survive being thrown out at this point. I would get her motivated to get her drivers license then help her find a job. Or call a military recruiter. YOu can make rules if she is still under your roof like a curfew, and chores she has to do daily Ask her what her goals are and help her achieve them. I reccomend a book called raising strong daughters to help with her and so your 12 year old dosent follow down her path. If she dosent like the rules or wont get a job or cooperate you need to show her how serious you are by saying that fine within 2 months you are out of here if she dosent follow through.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 11:26 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • i would give her a choice, either go to school and/or get a job, or get out. and i would try and push her to get into school so that she will be something successful when she grows up.
    i had a rough teenage life too, dropped out, didnt help around the house, all those things... i really matured and straigtened up out of nowhere about 4 months before my 19th bday.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:28 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • My parents always told me I could have free room and board as long as I was in school. Turns out they really only meant SINGLE and in school. But oh well. I was going to school, working, paying rent.
    coder_chick

    Answer by coder_chick at 11:38 PM on Aug. 22, 2010

  • Why doesn't she have her driver's license? I know the feeling about an older child not wanting to help out around the house. The difference is she works. Give her a time period to get a job or go back to school. Tell her if she doesn't get one that she'll have to move out. This type of influence isn't good to a 12 yr old child.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:45 AM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • How do you emotionally deal with tough love?? You take a deep breath and know that the best thing you can do FOR your daughter is kick her butt to the curb. She needs to stand on her own two feet if she's not in school Stand your ground and straighten your back bone because right now, your daughter is walking all over you.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 7:58 AM on Aug. 23, 2010

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