Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

any ideas how we can break the new to my ten year daughter that her gradfather has three to four month to live or less ?

My father in law has three to four month and has given up wont do chemo or radiation i don't blame him the chemo is what is killing him the most his body is not handling it well

Answer Question
 
terri10556

Asked by terri10556 at 1:52 PM on Aug. 23, 2010 in Health

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I wouldn't tell her until death was imminent. You don't need her freaking out for the next few months wondering if TODAY is the day Grandpa dies.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 1:54 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • My children's grandmother just passed away from leukemia. I told my 7 yr. old dd that her grandma is going to heaven, where she will still be able to see us. She will not be in any more pain, she'll will be happier than ever before and at peace. I also told her, we will all be together in heaven again someday. I guess what you will say will vary based on your beliefs.
    momov4kids

    Answer by momov4kids at 1:56 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • BTW, the doc. gave her 30 days to live, I told my dd, she took it okay, she cried once, asked many questions, but understands that when it's your time, nothing can change that and God knows best. Her Grandma didn't make it 30 days, she lived 2 weeks. We had a chance to talk with her and visit and tell her how much we loved her before she left this world.
    momov4kids

    Answer by momov4kids at 1:58 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • Ask your FIL what he wants you to tell her. He may not want her to know. If they are very close he may wish to tell her himself. Either way, be honest, because a 10 y.o is not stupid. They should have at least a basic understanding of death by now. She should be given the oppertunity and time to adjust to knowing of his impending death and how you tell her and how you act about it will influence her feeling and beliefs. Celebrate the time you have left with him. No one is every truely gone if you remember them fondly and always.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 2:12 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I wouldn't tell her until death was imminent. You don't need her freaking out for the next few months wondering if TODAY is the day e.Grandpa dies.  Sorry but that is bad advice.


    I was 10 when my grandfather died and I wasn't told anything until he died.  I understand that my mother was trying to protect me but I have always felt that I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye.


    My youngest was 10 when my father died.  I kept my children informed every step of the way from his cancer diagnosis to his admittance to palliative care.  We included our children and allowed them to grieve with us and we took them to see their grandfather and let them each have a private moment with him to say their goodbyes.   They coped very well during that difficult time.

    beeky

    Answer by beeky at 2:45 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I agree with beeky.........you could gently prepare her. She is 10 and is old enough to understand to a point. I don't know whether your spiritual, but if you are, tell her he may soon be going home to God or whatever your believe is. I'm sorry for your impending loss. I feel chemo and radiation has killed more people than the cancer, and it prolongs the inevitable............hugs

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 2:58 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I wouldn't tell her anything until he has passed on. Why worry her from now. If you tell her he has 3 or 4 months left to live and he is here another year, she will be worried for an entire year about it!! I know your daughter personally and you know she is a worrier!! Don't tell her anything. Just explain to her that Pop-Pop is very sick and we need to spend time with him and say prayers for him. I will keep your fil in my prayers also that when he goes, he goes peacefully. Give hubby my love and I hope to see you this weekend!
    BaBeezandMe

    Answer by BaBeezandMe at 3:00 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • Don't wait until the last minute whatever you do. One of the worst things my father did was not tell us our mother was coming home to die when she was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer at the age of 37. I think we would have prepared better.
    Izsarejman

    Answer by Izsarejman at 3:01 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I lost my best friend to cancer last spring. Her 10 yr old son and I are really close. She knew she had 8-9 months to live, and chose not to tell him the timeframe, We told him that she was very sick and not likely to get better, and that we needed to enjoy the time we had. I think that he spent his last months with his mom thankful for that time, and not worried about her eminent death.

    I wouldn't tell your DD the time estimation. I would tell her that he's very sick, and he's not going to get better. You don't want her on "death watch," you want her to enjoy what time she has.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 3:49 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • There are books out there that can probably help you in dealing with this kind of situation, esp for after a death. I would say he's sick so she doesn't get a shock, plus she'll pick up on everyone's vibes, and believe me they DO. My Gr-son was 11 when my DD was killed, he cried, and was upset and sad for a while, but kids are more able to handle it than you think. Answer any questions she make ask, and nothing more, they do sense it and she may ask questions so be prepared, but definately no time frame.
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 6:07 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Health
Pee smelling like tuna?

Next question overall (Food & Drink)
Whats for lunch?