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4 Bumps

Stay or go?

DH and I have been married for nearly 13 years and we've certainly had our ups and downs. I'm at a point that I just can't see it anymore, its just blah. I guess I've stayed so long primarily to keep the family together and in the hopes that "some of those feelings" would come back. Can't help but feeling like I want to see what's out there. Not a cheater, so affair is not a option.

For those of you have have come close to or serious considered divorce for similar reasons and then chose to stay, how do you feel about that decision now? Do you feel like you are still missing out or realize you made the right choice?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:07 PM on Aug. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I was married for 13 years, and finally left. Our marriage was a sham - it was about him being controlling and me being miserable. I tried to stay for the kids, and realized that I was bordering on suicidal because I was so unhappy and alone. I decided I couldn't raise my kids that way. It was the best decision I ever made, no regrets. Later I found a man that I fell in love with, we've been happily married for 6 years now. I finally found out what being in a real marriage is all about, and it's amazing.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 5:19 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • it depends on my mood and whats going on in life. When we are fighting over the same old crap I wonder if i should have left long before now. when he is being lazy and ignoring our son or me i seriously think about leaving. But when he is on the rare occasion being the husband he was before the house and kid, or the father i wish he would be all the time then i think i made the right choice. I guess i'm kind of in the same boat you are. I just don't know if i have made the right one.
    wildwiccan83

    Answer by wildwiccan83 at 5:19 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • If your reason for leaving is "to see what is out there" I think that is a very selfish attitude. I think staying and working at least until your child is in college would be a better idea. Why rip apart your kids life and make them have to live in two homes because you are curious. I think you need to perhaps seek counseling and work on some other plan of action.

    sahlady

    Answer by sahlady at 5:20 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • IF your marriage is just "blah" but your husband is otherwise a good man, father and provider, then I think you should sit down with him and come up with ways you can "revive" what you once had! Maybe a vacation, scheduling frequent date nights, doing things na going places you went when you were dating--even back to the original places if feasible.

    Otherwise, if you think you've fallen out of love, or don't want to try anymore, you have options, but ask yourself, can you really do better--and with kids in tow? If the answer is yes, then go for it--everyone deserves to live happily ever after! :o)
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 5:55 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I think all marriages go through ups & downs. Even if you meet someone else & marry again, you'll probably go through periods when life is blah & you wonder what else is out there.

    I've been married 22 yrs. Of course there've been times when life was dull, I wondered what I was doing & if this was all there was to life. My husband & I've worked hard to keep (or at times get back) the excitement in our marriage. If you don't work at it, it won't matter who you're with real life sets in & you wonder what else is out there & what you're missing.

    If you have a family, I'd definitely try to work on it. My parents divorced after 25 yrs & my in-laws after 33 yrs. All of them acted like teenagers, putting boyfriends, girlfriends, dating & other things before family. Both families basically disintegrated. My kids have grandparents they don't know & 4 uncles & aunts they don't know well, so we're both committed to our marriage.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 5:58 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • i have been married for 9 years my husband and i got married very young he was 18 and i was 19 i have been through the ups and downs but tell u the truth we have made changes and talked about everything even leaving each other but i made it. i think you two need to spend alone time go out to dinner , go dancing, watch a movie. something. bring the flame back, talk honestly about sex how he likes it and what u like too. just put everything out there rediscover each other u never know what u can find.
    jimenez123415

    Answer by jimenez123415 at 6:00 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • Of course first I would say for the both of you to talk about it and see if it can be fixed! But sometimes after being together for a while you both kind of change I guess and get lost and if you have talked about it before many times and seemed to get nowhere then at some point you do deserve to be happy and live a happy life but before taking that step, know that it is definitely the step you want to take because there will be no turning back afterwards.. Best of luck to you.
    sippincoffee

    Answer by sippincoffee at 6:43 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • i agree with the women who are saying that if he is a good husband but the spark is just gone. you don't just walk away from that. it's not greener on the other side. now if he is abusive emotionally or physically then you leave. marriages can get stale and down right boring. maybe what you guys need to do is more romantic things that you both enjoy doing. i find that when i'm down on my husband i suggest we do something we both enjoyed doing together or had fond memories of having once done. like ice skating or sushi. we love sushi. i often look at our wedding pics to stir up feelings or role playing to spice up our sex life that can boost your intimacy a lot. just hanging out a lot more should help and being sweeter or telling each other why you guys fell in love with eachother in the first place. good luck. it sucks being single. thats why everybody wants somebody.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:17 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • Marriage is work...it is something that you have to work at everyday but it is so worth it. It sounds like that maybe life is getting to you. Have you sat down and talked to your DH about the way you feel? Is he a good husband? Father? Friend? Have you considered counseling? I would highly recommend Counseling, reading the book The Five Love Languages and watching FIreprooof/doing the love dare. I think it may help. Good Luck.
    hsmominky

    Answer by hsmominky at 10:38 PM on Aug. 23, 2010

  • I agree marriage is work. My grandparents were married for 40 yrs before my Grandfather died, and the reason it worked for them was because they did this thing called TALKING, communication is key, if you don't talk, you will end up walking out and regretting it in the end. If you haven't tried talking to him, I would and soon. If it is the same thing day in and day out, you will get bored. In the beginning all things are lovey and all that jazz, but after a while, you will get bored, you will get the "what if's" and you will want to walk. Try Date nights, even if it's just watching a movie at the house or reading a book TOGETHER, it will give you an idea of whether or not it worth sticking around.. Try having a few hours, on the weekends, where you and he can just "hang" (veg, etc) on the couch and try to reconnect.

    Best of Luck.

    Oh btw, Counseling is an option, but so is doing it yourself.
    MomtoMichael2

    Answer by MomtoMichael2 at 1:13 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

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