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What to do when an adult child shuts you out?

My husband's son wants nothing to do with us, he will be 19 next month. Explaining how this all came to be would take a week, in a nutshell, his mother HATES my husband, always has, even though they've been divorced for over 15 years. She's a drama seeking money whore, to put it lightly. Anyway, we have no access to my stepson, he has asked that we not contact him in any way again. That was the repsonse DH got today after telling him he loves and misses him and what can we do to repair this. This has been SS's mantra for almost 2 years now. FWIW, if we were millionaires, he would still be in our life. Anyway, at what point do you let it go? Do you? Can you?


Asked by gramsmom at 12:48 PM on Aug. 24, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

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This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • As hard as it can be LIVE YOUR LIFE. We cannot control other's choices. He knows very well that you guys love him. Just be there when he's back.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 1:03 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • Well of course you are going to be sad about it. It sounds like his dad has done a good job letting him know he is there for him and loves him thats about all that can be done for now and hopefully he will grow and mature and want to start the relationship they had before.

    Answer by okmommy08 at 12:51 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • You keep climbing those walls as best you can and eventually they will crumble.

    Answer by older at 12:51 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • There's not a lot you can do but just keep showing him that you love him in any way you can and hope someday it changes. Most definitely don't just give up, but there's not really a lot you can do

    Answer by Butterflysky_24 at 12:52 PM on Aug. 24, 2010


    Leave the door open and give him his space. Sorry


    Answer by musicmom08 at 12:54 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • All you can do is respect his wishes. I feel like he will be back. Pray for him.

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 12:56 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • Also, his mother, his mother's sister and our stepson have told us to never contact them (except when she wants money), and they've said it SEVERAL times. We are expected to pay whatever she wants with no authority over what she is spending. When we give him space (we've made it very clear that we love and miss him and our door is always open, and he also knows that his little sister and brother are DEVASTATED that he is not here anymore), she throws that in our face too, it always goes something like this, "I need money for XYZ" DH responds that she needs to consult with him prior to spending money or he will not pay (he pays regular child support, always on time, I'm talking about extras), then her typical response is that he's a crappy father because he never even asks about his son, yet when we do reach out we are told to never contact him again. Sigh. Its impossible and I'm tired of losing sleep over it.

    Comment by gramsmom (original poster) at 1:04 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • Back up, stop giving money to the mom that isn't court ordered.

    That being said, leave the door open for him to contact you, but back slowly away letting him know that the door is open and that he'll always be loved, but let him do things his way as he in an adult now.

    Your husband is going to have to learn to let go. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing that you can do with an adult child. They have to learn on their own that dad isn't the ogre that mom has made him out to be. And you have to live your lives and nurture your relationship together.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 2:25 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • Let him go and cut off the money and he will come back

    Answer by mekarevell at 6:13 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • just tell your hubby to not give up to always be there for him because i think at some point he will need his dad sooner or later he will realize that what he is doing is wrong and will want to contact him. i dont hink your hubby should be giving her the money anymore i think if his son needs money he whoudl be there for him but not for her his son is over 18 and so i think he knows when he needs money for something so i would incourage no more money to her i think if his son needs something he should call him or if he is still giving money for him then then the money should be handed to him so the other female knows that she will not be geting money whenever she please. its goin to be hard for him but just be there for your hubby

    Answer by Alejandra10 at 10:28 AM on Aug. 25, 2010