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2 Bumps

advice...

what to do if you have been married for a few years..and have children with your husband.. but you find yourself thinking about divorce because you are sick of the way you have been treated for the last few years..and although you have forgot all the crap they have put you through..you havent forgiven him. He is trying...but its just not the same anymore. When he gets home from work, he wants to go fishing or do other things..which is fine but he expects me to do everything for him...he drinks everyday and also has another addiction. I have been talkning to a mutual friend of ours for a while and have started having feelings for this guy. although i dont want to marry this guy or anything...i just feel like i deserve better in a way, but at the same time i dont want my kids to have two different homes..I want to try to make it work for the kids..but i have been trying for the last 2 years..and my feelings for him have changed

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:11 PM on Aug. 24, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I would say it is time to seek counseling. Good luck.
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 1:15 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • seek some counseling, you made a vow for better or worse.
    lovinangels

    Answer by lovinangels at 1:16 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • I would try counseling first, to see if it helped. I would also stop talking with the friend I had feelings for, until I had sorted out what my feelings were for my husband.
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 1:17 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • Im sorry you have had such a rough time. Some things just cant be forgiven and sometimes marriages cant be saved. Is he willing to get help for his addictions? If my husband told me he wouldnt get help and he needed it I would atleast seperate from him to show him how serious I was. Do the kids see him drinking? I would have rather lived in a single parent home than live with an alchoholic parent. I can say this from experience but my dad would have violent outbursts drunk. Youre right you do deserve better. hugs
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 1:18 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • It's easy to get in the shape you are in. First, we allow ourselves to start think negative thoughts about our husbands, and then, nest thing we know, our feelings have followed right behind our thinking. Then we become more and more dissatisfied and start to think we deserve better. What you haven't realized is that your negative thoughts and your negative feelings have been picked up on by your husband, which in turn has made him retreat farther and farther away from you and has actually pushed him farther away from you. The addictions may require some outside help, but I can tell you from experience that you can greatly influence his desire to change. First thing that needs to happen is to lose the other guy. Get completely rid of him. Reconnect with the feelings you once had for your husband by remembering all the good things you first loved about him. Tell him that you remember those things. Compliment him, etc.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:18 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • 1)You have to stick with it for your kids. When you got married and had kids, you not only made a commitment to your husband but your kids too. They deserve to be in a mommy/daddy household. And being a single mom is not easier/better than living in a so-so marriage.

    CarrieGemenon19

    Answer by CarrieGemenon19 at 1:20 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • 2) Feelings for your mate will change, because you have changed and he has changed. Thats life. The goal is to change and grow together, but sometimes that doesn't happen- so you have to detour and get back to where you want to be. Maybe he feels the same way about you- that is why he wants to go fishing all the time and is doing other stuff to numb himself. If you have the extra cash- try buying one of these books.....The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger or The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick. OK- I know Dr. Laura has gotten in some trouble lately, and I don't agree with everything she says- BUT! she really does have some good advice. And I'm not christian, but The Love Dare (which I just started last week) makes alot of sense.
    CarrieGemenon19

    Answer by CarrieGemenon19 at 1:21 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • 3) You man needs some help with his addiction. If he is doing something illegal, the kids should not be around that nonsense at all! I suggest you have a 'family business' meeting with him and let him know that in order to save the marriage there are a few things that need to change. a) AA or NA meetings for him. b)Al-anon for you c) date night- you need to spend time together. d) You don't need to tell him this one, but YOU need to stop chatting with this other guy. It's not helping. e) the two of you need to do something constructive together- swing dance lessons, hit the gym together, a cooking class- anything to make you guys a team again.
    CarrieGemenon19

    Answer by CarrieGemenon19 at 1:27 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • It's easy to get in the shape you are in. First, we allow ourselves to start think negative thoughts about our husbands, and then, nest thing we know, our feelings have followed right behind our thinking.


     I agree with NannyB , but if your really unhappy with who your with, and you don't think counseling will help, Id leave.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 1:35 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

  • I have first hand experience with this, so please take what i say with a grain of salt. Sticking it out for the sake of your kids, isn't the way to do it. If he refuses to see things from your side of it, then he's not worth the time, you need to be happy, and obviously you are not. He wants his old life back, but wants you to stay at home and do the 'wife' thing while he's out acting as if he doesn't have a family, etc, not good sweetheart. Counseling will only work if he wants it to, but if he doesn't, it won't work. Yes, talking to him may do a little bit of good, but you have to be sure he's listening, not just hearing you (there is a difference). You are his wife, and if you think he has a problem that will cause danger to you or your children I'd put him in a Rehab/Mental hospital until he is better or at least clean.

    Best of luck to ya.
    MomtoMichael2

    Answer by MomtoMichael2 at 1:38 PM on Aug. 24, 2010

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