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My son is 19 yrs.old and I am worried about him he just seems so lost right now and I don''t know how to help him. He has a full time job which is good but no real direction, and he sleeps alot, goes out all night and sleeps till he has to work. help! adult content

I think he suffers from depression,it runs strongly in our family but he refuses help. Instead,he self medicates with pot and alcohol. He got in trouble with the police last year and spent 46 days in jail. He is now on probation so he cannot smoke weed or drink although I think he still drinks alcohol. His father was very abusive to him when he was very young and they have never had a relationship other than the abuse. I left his father when my son was 7. I put my son in all kinds of therapy and on various medicine for ADHD and depression-but he refused all of it and still does. Him and I are close in some ways and so distant from each other at the same time I don't know how to help him.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:22 AM on Aug. 25, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (15)
  • i understand you want to help him hes your son. but you need to set limits. you cant help him if he doesnt wants or admits he has a problem. give him at ime limit to find his own place. he shouldnt be drinking ,smoking weed , or anything else in your house. let him know your there for him but only for moral support . he is an adult.
    stressedoutgran

    Answer by stressedoutgran at 4:36 AM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • i agree withfirst reply
    san78

    Answer by san78 at 6:42 AM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • Teens are just strange creatures! Even at 19- yes legally he is in adult- but the human brain does not stop developing/maturing until we are in our 20's. (for some men I think it takes even longer!) Sometimes tough love is the only answer. If he wants to live w/ you, he needs to submit to random home drugs tests. Unless his job is going to be his career, discuss what his future plans are. Maybe he could go to school part time- I know it's like pulling teeth w/ these kids, but the "nagging" we do just shows we care & expect better from them. And sometimes we have to do the hardest thing of all, watch them fall flat on their face & learn some hard life lessons. Good luck- & stay strong!
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 8:28 AM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • At 19 most kids trouble their parents. just tell him that if he ever feels that the sleeping and depression symptoms are bothing him that you are there for him in anyway he needs... just let him know you are there for him... if he doesnt chose to get help, it wont help him, he has to want to change... and honestly i think most ppl who are that age and not in college (i assume because he works full time) spend their time much like him.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 8:50 AM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • i agree with mrsmom110 i think you need to talk to your son and ask him where he will be in a couple years from now ask him what he is interested and that if he is living in your house he iwll have to do something other than party all night long. tell him to go to school part time or to do something that will benefit his future. teens dont know that eventually their partying years will end and soon he will have to grow up and not even have a plan on his life. talk to him and make sure you give him any help he may need once he figures out that whats his doing now will not benefit him. good luck an di really hope things turn out for your son i knwo us as moms want the best thing for our kids and what them to be happy. have you tried asking him to go to counceling with you maybe you guys can get some family counceling that will bring you guys a lot closer to each other and then maybe your son can figure ou he has a problem
    Alejandra10

    Answer by Alejandra10 at 9:59 AM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • It seems like he is still in control since he's not missing work which is not bad so he's settin limits. You need to continue to talk to him since yall are close and try to get him involve in other activities in his free time that you and him can do together. Just dont start to try and be his friend or be too pushy.
    mekarevell

    Answer by mekarevell at 1:22 PM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • you can still be an addict & have control and have it be a problem. in fact if you look closely he really isn't in control. he is setting himself up for failure. he will get caught with a dirty ua. he will either go back to jail & do more time or get on some type of stronger probation like supervised probation. i hate to say this but maybe he needs to go back to jail & do longer time. talk to his probation officer and see if they offer a class called cognitive intervention. i was once a drug addict. i went to jail several times. i finally stopped after being in jail for so long & having to live in a half way house. probation even helped. i had to do drug tests & had to call in to see what color was being tested that day. random colors. i think that class helped me the most. i would ask the probation officer to stipulate that he takes his medication and is required to see a therapist. then he might actually do what he should
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:48 PM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • to get better. sometimes tough love is the answer but it's hard to have to tell a probation officer that you suspect that your child is abusing drugs and what that might mean to his freedom but you don't something worse to happen.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:50 PM on Aug. 25, 2010

  • bump
    san78

    Answer by san78 at 12:24 PM on Aug. 27, 2010

  • If he is truly depressed, it will likely take him a few years to get it sorted out, if at all. I was never in trouble with the law or into drugs, but I had a few years there where I couldn't hold down a job and was generally miserable. It took a LOT of work to get out of it. I don't think most 19 year olds are able to truly see their mental health issues for what they are, and self-medication is really just easier. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you can be tough but also supportive, and make sure he always knows you love him. If you have to turn him in or cut him loose, then sometimes that is the kindest way to help.
    getrealmama

    Answer by getrealmama at 3:13 PM on Aug. 27, 2010

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