Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

Mom/dad enabling my siblings adult content

I come from a family of 5 kids. parents still married, i am the middle child. Two of my brothers are involved in relationships with women who are chemically dependent, and i am scared my brothers might also using. They do work and often lose jobs but then find a new, lose, new one, so on and so on. My parents are aware and this frustrates them but they do enable by giving my brothers money when, buying them groceries, paying rent, so on and so on. Now my mother acts upset with me when i told her i can no longer help my brothers as they are adults and need to get their lives straight and quit depending on my parents to help them when they mess up time and time again. There are kids involved which makes it hard for my parenst to say no and did involve social services but they canot act on anything unless mother is actually caught red handed using pills. This is very stressful, i feel like cutting contact for awhile .

Answer Question

Asked by DKK2010 at 5:19 PM on Aug. 26, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 7 (198 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Maybe you need to cut contact with the brothers. I don't know that I would with your parents but when they start talking about the brothers change the subject and ask them about themselves. Maybe they will get the idea that you aren't going to talk about them.

    Answer by Cindy18 at 5:23 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • VERY similar situation here. My brother is 21 and has a daughter... and a pillhead girlfriend. He lives with my mom and smokes pot all day (and probably does pills too). Luckily the girlfriend isn't the mother of his daughter. Anyway, he barely works, has no intention of getting a steady job, can't keep one anyway. He sells his Aderol prescription and buys pot and pizza instead of diapers. My mom can't say no to him, can't bring herself to kick him out. My sister is 19 and has a pot dealer boyfriend. My mom pays her car payments. She has been totally sucked dry by those two and it doesn't even phase them.

    I just have to say "to each their own" and let them live their co-dependant lives. I didn't cut contact, but I change the subject when any of them complain about their situations.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 5:25 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • Thats what we've had to do in our family. It's my aunt and uncle. My mom used to get so mad at my grandparents for enabling them, Till they got kicked in the teeth by them time after time after time. You'd think with most people over time and hitting rock bottom living on the streets even getting kicked out by your own children and having to be on the streets that they'd grow up.. I guess the liquor and meth is more important..It's sad but the best you can do is live your life and leave them be, there's nothing that you can do for them. Other than what I'm sure and it sounds like has already been done.


    Answer by bizima4 at 5:27 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • I have similar issue as well. I'm the oldest child. My brother is a year younger and my mom has constantly bailed him out, he got kicked out of his apartment she drove to CA to move him back to NE, his truck got repossesed she paid the payments, he got divorced the 2nd time - she moved him in rent free. Recently he, his gf and their 4 kids got evicted from their townhome and almost had their van repossesed because they chose to your rent and car payment for two months to take the kids to Disneyland...who helped them find a place and paid the van payment - my mom. She moved in to help my brother pay rent in the new home - only to have him kick her out two weeks later. Now my mom is with my sister, her bf and their 9 kids...neither work and there is mom doing this all over with my sister and my mom is not rich by any means. I just throw my hands up at this point.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 5:32 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • I'd cut your brothers and their girlfriends out of your life. Let your parents know you don't want to hear anything about them. If they want to continue to be ard them & enable them that's their decision, but you want no part of it or hear of it. That way your not cutting your parents off bec of your brothers.

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 6:44 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • I can relate. I have an older sister (by 11 years) who has been playing the welfare system for years. I don't know if there is an official personality disorder name for what her deal i, but she is more than capable of holding down a job and supporting herself. My parents are always enabling her. Like instead of making her ride the bus grocery shop (which would take about an hour to get to/from walmart because of the routes) she has my mom drive 45 minutes to get her, 15 minute drive to walmart, wait while she shops, drive back to her appartment, then another 45 minutes for my mom to get back home. Why my mom wont force her to be independant is beyond me. I am sympathetic to the problems getting off of welfare (like not allowing them to have enough money put back for even a deposit on an appartment) and have offered to hold onto additional funds for her when she has them to build savings, but she doesn't want to.

    Answer by karamille at 6:58 PM on Aug. 26, 2010

  • bump

    Answer by san78 at 12:24 PM on Aug. 27, 2010

  • Similar situation here on my husband's side of the family ... enabling at its finest. We've found it best to pull back from the situation.

    Answer by FootballMom85 at 10:19 AM on Sep. 2, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.