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boyfriend says mean things during arguments, how should i take this?

so i know my boyfriend is one of the worst communicators i know and during an argument, it shows. he gets bent out of shape no matter what the argument is about, he gets mad at me even when he is at fault and says some pretty mean things in order to win the argument, only to cool down and beg for forgiveness saying that he was angry and didnt mean most of what he said. and he will then sit down and calmly talk about whatever issues that have been going on like i want. but why must we go through a knock down drag out fight with him pointing out all of my flaws and name calling in order for him to express himself? I am at the point now where i can no longer forgive and forget it. do i just cut him off and take the kids and move after 4 years of being together? or do i try to give him (another) chance to learn how to communicate his needs without being disrespectful about it?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:01 PM on Aug. 28, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • No.You get thru this,Together.You are going to have good times and bad times together.He may need Anger Management.I've been thru it before,and it helped me with my anger and taught me how to communicate when you have a disagreement.I used to say horrible things to my SO.Especially when I was drinking.When I got sober ,I did and said things that I didn't mean.At times,I was trying to hurt him before he hurt me.But I got help.He has to admit that he has a problem.Once he does,then get the help he needs.Good luck mama!!!
    bvannkissy

    Answer by bvannkissy at 2:10 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • Some ground rules may help. For example, if he isn't calm enough to articulate what he means/how he feels, he needs to walk away and cool off, then come back when he is calmer(or you can, and tell him why). One rule I have is that I will never say anything, no matter how angry I am, that could hurt DH, or that I would not say to him when we were getting along. If I can't find a nice way to say it, it can wait until I've found one. Having disagreements is healthy in a relationship, as long as you are both able to remain respectful and considerate of the other's feelings. Throwing insults or saying hurtful things is no way to get your point across. Maybe it's time for you two to sit down and talk about WHY he feels it is necessary to fight and all BEFORE he is willing to discuss things calmly, instead of just sitting down and discussing things calmly from the start. CONT
    preacherskid

    Answer by preacherskid at 12:07 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • I would take it that the man has serious anger issues and needs to go to counseling in order for me to continue a relationship with him. That is how I would take it.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 12:08 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • My fiance started trying to do this a while back and as soon as he started calling names I walked away from the argument. It made him mad that I walked away but I calmly told him that we are adults and that if he was going to start name calling then I would walk away until he was calm enough to express himself without being hurtful. It has helped a lot and we now have a no name calling policy. All couples have arguments but the end result should be a compromise not hurt feelings. I hope this helps:)
    worriedmommy600

    Answer by worriedmommy600 at 12:10 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue is supposedly very good. There is a workbook to go with it.. Both people have to be willing to work on the relationship though. Just one idea........
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 12:07 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • CONT It could be that he feels attacked or hurt by your approach, and feels like he needs to be defensive about it for some reason, or maybe he has always won arguments that way and thinks it's acceptable to do so.
    preacherskid

    Answer by preacherskid at 12:08 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • I would be grateful if my SO would actually argue with me let alone apologize for saying something mean lol... He is an ignorer.. Maybe you should lay down the line and tell him to fight fair or try going to a class or counseling. It really helps
    ladybugky88

    Answer by ladybugky88 at 12:55 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • Get out...
    kkleywegt41

    Answer by kkleywegt41 at 2:52 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • sounding like major anger issues
    3xangel

    Answer by 3xangel at 11:48 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

  • He does it because he can't stand to be wrong. Me and DH never fight. Not to say that we don't disagree from time to time. But we never raise our voices, call each other names, etc.. To do that is very immature. If I were you I'd leave. But really the decision is yours. My mother has put up with fighting all her life. Now there is no love left. But she stays because she's afraid of being alone.

    I think you have some hard decisions to make. Reflect on what you want your life to be like. And what you'll be teaching your children by staying or leaving.
    SalemWitchChild

    Answer by SalemWitchChild at 12:04 PM on Aug. 28, 2010

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