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4 Bumps

Changing your mind in an open adoption agreement

If an Amom agrees to an open adoption and then closes it, I understand the anger at her.

Do you feel Bmoms are justified to be angry if the Bmom decides after the fact that she wants a more open adoption and the AMom simply wants to stick to the original agreement.

What if the Bmom was told in advance that she should ask for an open adoption and still didnt.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:18 PM on Aug. 31, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (17)
  • I really think it would be best if whatever is agreed to in the beginning was what had to be adhered to. I suppose the option to ask for it to be changed should always be on the table, but if the answer was "no", then that should be the end of it.

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:23 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • i was thankful that the parents who adopted my middle son were open to having an open adoption. but i knew that they had a right to disreguard that agreement if they so chose. there is nothing that can legally bind adoptive parents at this time to an open adoption. some mothers cannot stand the throught of knowing each year all they have missed. the heartache is too much so they might not want an open adoptino. for me i NEEEDED to know.

    Answer by sati769leigh at 4:23 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I was adopted and I think all adoptions should be open so that when the child reaches 18 they can have contact with their birth family. But I don't think it's a good idea for the birth mother to be active in the child's life. Not until they're adults. When you decide to give up your child he's not really yours anymore. The adoptive mother is his mother now. It's going to be tough for the birth mother whether the adoption is open or closed.

    Answer by L.A.F.outloud at 4:26 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • If that's what the bmom wanted in order for her to be able to adopt her child out, and has given no reason to believe that it is dangerous or harmful to the child, it should be respected. If there are not intentions of it, then parents should find a bmom who wants a closed adoption.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 4:55 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I think the anger and the pain are justified in the event things we're agreed too and then the adoptive parents didn't follow through (unless of course there was really just cause for that). As a birth mother I trusted the people I choose for my son to love him, to support him and to be honest people, falling back on their word proves to me they weren't as good as they said they were.

    However if I had asked for something more that wasn't talked about and they said no, for me I would have expected the disappointment first and then if they did agree that would be a bonus. I would say my feelings would be hurt and I would sad, not angry. But of course that's just me.
    My son's adoptive parents, didn't follow through on their promises and I knew I couldn't do anything about it, but being lied to, and manipulated was hurtful, and yes I was angry. I've moved past it but it doesn't make the hurt or the not knowing easier

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:56 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I feel that BOTH parties should talk when changed are coming about. Not either side should just stop or change the plans. Just because it was "agreed" to be open or "agreed" to this or that doesnt mean that it is "ALWAYS" to be that way. But I feel that if the AParent wants to close the open adoption that she already agree to have open then it needs to be before a judge with cause reason.

    I love my daughters parents, but I so HATE adoption right now.

    Answer by TLW514 at 7:08 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I have been on cafemom for a while and I have seen my share of scenarios where the bmom posts extensive posts about how terrible Amoms are closing the adoption or only sending pics once a year when they are simply wanting to stick with the original agreement. These posts often generate a hornets nest of anger and that is not always presenting both sides. Casual readers dont always know the back story and it looks like another Amom closing an adoption when it is just another Amom wanting to comply with what they originally agreed upon. When Amoms do close adoptions, tha tis bad enough without the additional bad press for those who are only complying with the original agreement.

    Maybe if open adoption agreements will ever become standardized, some of these issues will be less common

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 7:11 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • No I don't think bmom is justified at being angry if the aparents honor the original agreement but don't want to open it further. If the bmom didn't ask for the open adoption she has no justification for being angry at the aparents if they don't want to open the adoption. Doesn't mean she cant be angry, just not at the aparents.

    Answer by onethentwins at 8:39 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I think in good communication younalways have the ability to ask as long as you understand that the answer may be no. Sure you have the right to be upset, you have the right to your thoughts and feelings. So do adoptive parents. But in cases like these, fair or unfair the parents of the child makes the decisions. While my son's bmom can contact us at any time, I am careful to assess what is in the best interest of my child. Because a bmom is not in our home she would not be aware of the compexity of what she may be requesting depending on what is going on. I would like to think of myself as fair, compassionate, and understanding. I want to consider the needs of my son's bmom. But the bottom line is I will do what I know to be in his best interest. There may be times where a bmom's interests and a child's conflict. It wouldn't appear that way, I am sure, to outsiders. But it just may. An example for us is my son went

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:40 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Through a phase where he didn't like the idea he grew in someone else's tummy. Had she called during this time, talking to him would not have helped him. But it has passed and now he would have no issues that I know of talking to her. It is a day by day thing. So while I can give updates and be informative to his bmom, somesituatiins warrent careful consideration. This is tricky stuff to navigate. I try to keep my needs out of the equation. I will say I assess for mental wellness. If she were to call and I saw this as an issue where she was not healthy I would not allow direct contact while actively ill. I get this would be upsetting. But I determine what is in the best interest of my child.

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:48 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

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