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2 Bumps

Damned if you do...

or don't.
Another "Bad Mother" question from the next chapter I got to read tonight. In a home where the father is abusive, alcoholic, workaholic, or otherwise severely imperfect, is the worse mother the one who stays and tries to keep the family together even though it exposes the kids to more of the behavior or leaves and tears the family apart? (neither is not an option)

Answer Question

Asked by NotPanicking at 11:26 PM on Aug. 31, 2010 in Religion & Beliefs

Level 51 (421,174 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • I don't see how this is even a question... I mean, HE is the one tearing the family apart, not her. He is the one who is choosing himself over his family... By leaving, she is choosing the family over him, she's not tearing anything apart, she's keeping her family healthy and safe...

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 11:30 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I think the stronger woman take the kids and leaves.

    By leaving, she will be teaching her children that that behavior is not acceptable and that they should not allow themselves to be treated in such a disrespectful manner. If you stay in an abusive home, what are you teaching your sons and daughters? You are NOT teaching your sons to respect women - or people in general. and you are NOT teaching your daughter to value herself and to not allow men to degrade and use her.

    Leaving is the hardest thing. I hope I never have to experience it myself. BUT, in the long run, it is better for you, the kids and your whole extended family to have this violent or disrespectful person out of their lives.

    Answer by Maureen-MD at 11:33 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • Really there is no right nor wrong answer to this Q. If I had the energy I would explain my answer farther.

    Answer by crazymom21 at 11:34 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I don't see how this is even a question.

    That's the depressing part about this book. It cites 100 years of academic studies (including modern ones, not just pre-wwII type thinking) where it's taught as proper psychotherapy methodology to blame the mother no matter what. There are literally psychologists and psychiatrists out there who will tell patients with fathers that have these issues that all the unresolved issues are their mother's fault, whether she stayed or left.

    Comment by NotPanicking (original poster) at 11:34 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • I didn't mean I don't see how or why YOU are asking this question, I think it's a good one. But I meant I don't see how this would be a question to the woman. For me it's just basic common sense that you take your kids and get out... I would hope that this "it's the mother's fault" type of thinking is dying out in more modern times... But I know it's not, at least not in all circles. It could just be the way I grew up, but I would rather be called a bad mom for leaving than for staying any day!

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 11:41 PM on Aug. 31, 2010

  • Not too many years ago none of this would have mattered women stayed because they had no one to talk to or anywhere to go, but today I just can't see staying. 


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 5:52 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I agree with sabrina's answers on this. I think it's pretty sad that women are STILL fighting their way out of this kind of thinking. It's a warped way of thinking, but after years and years and years of being "submissive", women still have a hard time asserting themselves in this manner.
    Although, once I had my own kids, I found my "mama bear" instinct is quite strong and I stand up for them when in other times I would have remained quiet.
    I can't imagine allowing my kids to be in a situation that is so detrimental to their lives. I as their mother, am responsible for their well being...even if that means protecting them against an abusive father in some form or another.

    Answer by sahmamax2 at 7:43 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • From personal experience I would say it takes more strength to stay. If the women is strong and knows the reason why he has the problems he has she can help him, in time. It takes knowing when to back off and when to hit him right between the eyes with the truth. It also takes knowing what will set him off. Although there times when no matter what you do he will go off. Most times it's not even anything in the house. It's the outside world. Are there men that are just psychotic and need to put away and the women need to go, yes. There many more who have changed who do see the error of their ways. Most times it comes with a second marriage where both are equal.


    Answer by oldermomof5 at 8:37 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I agree with Sabrina and Oldermom. In this case after she has tried all her options then yeah to protect herself and her kids. Everybody needs a scapegoat and the Mommas foot the bill great cause tons of folks dont know their dads.

    Answer by mekarevell at 9:18 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • This question is based on a premise that grossly mis-characterizes "submission," and places the fault in the wrong place. It also assumes that the mother's ONLY option is to leave her husband. This is also false. So on the basis of false premise, I cannot honestly answer this question. Since it begins with a fallacious argument it will only result in a fallacious answer.

    Answer by Gal51 at 12:19 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

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